Had a really bad day at work today.
Maybe hormones but also maybe built up stress from this week and a couple other shifts over the past few weeks.
Almost started penning my resignation when I got home.
It's frustrating that I have to do jobs that are literally not my job. It doesn't help that my boss is incompetent in this area of practice that him being here to fill in short-staffing is just more work for us. It's to the point I'd rather we be short-staffed than have to work with him - and I'm not the only staff that thinks this way. There's no responsibility or accountability with him and the way he does things is so sloppy, I still have to go "clean up" after - which defeats the exact purpose of him being there in the first place.
The whole situation is just a huge mess. At this point in time, I just want to quit. But also, I don't want it to be a rash decision that I will regret after.
It's disappointing.



I started this post at the start of August and interestingly enough, I still feel exactly the same way about things now. Maybe I am hitting the quarter-life crisis. Not knowing where all this is going, not knowing where I'm going.

Finally have had a breather since my manager got back from his 1-month holiday. Not complaining that he was away for a month he deserves, but more about the way it was handled. I was doing extra hours, extra responsibilities, more work for an entire month. In short, to be crude, I was doing more shit for the same pay. At least I know my manager has enough faith in me to keep the place running smoothly for an extended period of time. But lately I've been feeling very unappreciated and undervalued by the owner/boss of the business for what I have been doing/have done for his business. I discovered some issues with my pay and am honestly very unhappy that this has been going on since I've been registered(close to 2 years now). Did the math and if we go according to legal minimum rates, I should be getting a pretty decent payout. And the most disappointing bit is that my pay isn't even based on what I do, it's the legal base minimum rate plus a dollar or 2 more on top.

Honestly, hand on heart, I owe this place my entire current career, I would be nowhere without them. But right now, I'm not sure if being loyal and complacent is the best option for me now. I filled in for the manager for the month that he was away, completed some of his responsibilities on top of all of mine and "babysitting" and I have never been so stressed in my life. If that's what my career progression looks like then I have to get out. Fast.

I was playing with the idea of quitting before I went on my Europe trip but now I just want out. Travelling was me escaping from all this. Now I don't even have the desire to travel to get out. After all that happened during the month where I had to step up and the pay issues I uncovered just...it's enough. On top of that, I've had to take some work home and do it in my own personal time on occasion.

If I can't be appreciated for the work I do and the value I add to the business then either I'm doing something very wrong, or it's time to quit. I don't care if my pay is going to raised from 1 Jan next year. I don't believe I'm even being paid for my value NOW. Rather, I'm just another worker who needs to be paid the minimum legal wage with some candy on top to make the boss feel like he's being generous. To be fair, my boss is a very nice man, he would buy everyone coffee etc. but I don't think he knows how to be a good boss. Instead of a coffee treat, I prefer my work to be valued and hopefully rewarded equally. There is pretty much zero leadership and zero communication. All the staff aren't told what is going on or what the boss even wants. We're just running in circles everyday like mindless workers. My manager knows how hard I work for this place and right now, why do I even bother? It's not like he knows what I do exactly anyway.

Someone can argue that my pay is pretty good for someone still somewhat fresh out of school but considering it took 5 years of hard study and expensive registration exams to become a PROFESSIONAL, this is shit. I know people have to do overtime, work on the weekends, after-hours etc in the corporate world. But I'm paid by the hour. Not a packaged salary. I don't get any bonuses to speak of, what hours I work are literally what I'm paid for, no more no less. I could go work in retail or in the supermarket without having to study and be paid close to what I'm earning right now.

Just to compound the whole work issue, someone who I thought was a friend turns out to not be one at all. When she needed a favour, I always had her back. The one time I asked for help when I knew she had to capacity to, she "forgot to reply" my text, and in the end, the answer was no she couldn't help anyway. I'm just very disappointed and betrayed to be honest. I thought we were close. I thought I could count on her. Not long ago she took almost a month to reply my text asking if she wanted to catch up. Catch-up did not happen. This time it's been 4 days and counting. You know what, if I'm not important enough for you to even reply a text asking if you're free to meet up, you're not worth my time. And this said friend has been active on facebook and is always on her phone so, I don't think there's really any excuse other than I'm not important enough. It's disappointing, it hurts, but it's time to move on.

I've really gotten so isolated ever since I finished school. Because of work, I stopped going to church, the people I meet related to my work - none of them are my peers. The friend I always hung out with turns out to not really be a friend at all. I don't love my work. I'm just tired thinking about having to deal with people and playing mind games about who's better and doing what's socially acceptable/correct. I'm so tired just having to please everyone all the time. Simply put, it feels like I'm stuck in a rut.

I started reading The Bubz Guide to Being Unstoppable written by Lindy Tsang, or Bubzbeauty, a Youtuber I've been following since I moved Down Under. Started reading again because I just needed some inspiration/motivation to try and get a move on. So far it's been really good, a few interesting revelations and viewpoints that I would not have thought of. Meanwhile, trying to find..a passion. All those years of focussing on studying and then working have killed my personal life entirely. Ever since the move down under, on the surface it seems like I've got everything going for me but in truth, I've lost everything I treasured. It seems like everything I've built has once again fallen apart. It's just not the same. I don't know if it's because I've subconsciously built walls around me or I just can't relate with the culture here. I thought I made friends but it turns out I didn't. I thought I found a stable job but it turns out to be one I don't love.

To be fair, a lot of the unhappiness has had to do with me and my attitude toward all of this. Which is also the reason why I say I'm not ready for a relationship yet. If I'm not happy in who I am, I can't expect/rely on a partner to make me happy. That's how a relationship can break down. A healthy relationship is two independently happy people choosing to walk together. On that same thought, if I'm unhappy, and my partner is happy, I don't want to be dragging down someone else into a relationship that will ultimately end in a lot of resentment because of me. Only I have the power to make myself happy. And that's the journey. Work in progress.



Don't know if it's hormones or I've just been grumpy the whole week but the week ended on a bad note. I was so close to flipping yesterday it's not even funny.
Decided to update my resume today and seriously questioning what I have even achieved in my 2.5 years working full-time. Every day's been running around in circles. Spent my morning googling what professions I can consider transitioning to, how to get there, if further study would help me get anywhere but here etc. But it seems like it's a dead end because it's such a specific line of study. Read a statistic on a forum(posted 2016) that 82% of the profession were considering leaving the profession. If that isn't a sign of something wrong, I don't know what is. And as forums go, the discussion goes back and forth with people saying we're whiners and we don't deserve the pay we get for what we do/we shouldn't be complaining, misunderstanding what we do etc and it just goes to show the disrespect that we have, even from the general public. It's sad really. There isn't even a representative agency for the regular everyday professional, the guild only represents owners' interests to the government and that's why the rest of us are fed the bull crap we sadly accept. I'm definitely reaching breaking point and am totally ready to leave for good because I've had enough. There were articles about signs you should quit and scarily enough I match almost all of them now. But what's even scarier is that probably every job in this profession is more or less the same and will end in similar outcomes.
I made this really stupid mistake yesterday and I can't get over it yet. It's really been bugging me but it's too late to do anything about it. I was tired and distracted but I have no excuse to have made such a stupid mistake as I did. Honestly, I feel like I'm doing a shit job and don't have the confidence to do my job well enough now. I can't drag myself to work and pretend to be ok with it for very much longer. A couple nights ago I couldn't sleep wondering how much longer I could stay in this and deal with this shit that I got myself into. Why/who am I working so hard for, how much longer can I pretend I care? I initially promised myself 3 years, maybe 5 years max. Oh how I have grossly overestimated myself. 1.5 years and I'm ready to get out for good. Except I can't just quit with no backup plan involved.
But for now, some revision is probably due.



Been back from Europe for 10 days now and reality has finally kicked in.

Got yelled at by a doctor over the phone today - a rude reminder why I have to quit this profession and find something else to do. I do not get paid enough to deal with this shit. Sure, I have met a lot of great people but there is literally shit around every corner you turn. The day I manage to leave the profession, I might just provide some detail about what shit goes on behind the raised bench top, because people need to know and the conversation needs to start. According to surveys, our stress levels are on par with those of doctors and significantly higher than the general population. I don't think I've fully realised how angry a person this job has made me become, till today. The emotional impact is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot express how thankful I am for getting this job from the minute I graduated. But I do not see myself doing this very same thing in 10 years. There must be some other way. Poor working conditions, low remuneration, useless union, disrespect from other professionals, ludicrously demanding customers..what else? Sounds like a great reward for 5 years of intense studying and undergoing rigorous testing. I'm sure I've said it before but this profession's been going in circles. It hasn't changed in the last 10 years, it's not going to change now. If there's a good time to jump ship, it's NOW.

I have been trying to be in a good mood since I've got back and trying to convince myself that it's not THAT bad. After today's incident, absolutely nothing has changed and I still need to get out. It's horrible when one incident in your day ruins your entire day and it can be directly related to a single person. They probably don't even realise that they've ruined someone else's day, because we're all selfish. I'm past the point of shedding any tears about this sort of thing, all there is is anger and dissatisfaction. My tears are worth more than this whole situation. I'm worth more than this.



It's been a long night. Finally got some peace to myself.

Attended my friend's hen's party tonight and I realised how tired I am of spending time with strangers. Gets even more awkward when it comes to money.

If anyone reads this and cares to give me an opinion, please let me know if you think I'm over calculative, I would really like to know so I don't do it again in the future.

Dinner reservation was at 6, I only made it at 6.45 because of work commitments. A dish was pre-ordered for me by a friend and a bowl of rice. Dish $37,  Rice $3. I ended up sharing that with another friend and legit had maybe 4-5 pieces of pork belly plus rice. Bill comes, someone splits it and suddenly we're meant to pay $50-60pp.  I don't mind paying for the bride's share of things, but she can't have consumed at least $60-90 worth of food on her own. There were 14 people at the table, other people ordered drinks and a couple dishes to share etc. In my point of view, I literally had max 5 little pieces of pork belly and you want me to contribute $50-60..??? And then I got the weird look around the table amongst the people I don't actually know personally for mentioning that fact and for asking who I have to transfer money to. It's not like I had cash so it's not like I could spit up a single cent. It's not that I don't want to pay but first of all, why should I have to pay for your meal and drinks too when I don't even know you...?? There were other people throwing cash on the table that made me look even more like a miser but seriously..was I being too calculative? They probably just took the whole total and split it evenly which is what we would normally do if we actually shared ALL the food. But how can you demand 3 people who had one dish of pork belly to share, 2 bowls of rice and my poor friend had to eat all the leftovers, to pay $50-60pp for food and drinks we didn't even consume...?? We're not high rollers, we earn peanuts but that's beside the point. But was I being too calculative???

Actually honestly, I didn't really want to turn up when I saw the guest list. Usually I would just find some reason to avoid such a gathering but it's a good friend, I turned up for her because it's her night and she would like me to be there too.

And then after dinner and a short detour to dessert, we had a karaoke booking where no one wanted to sing. I mentioned it a couple times that no one was singing(and tried to encourage more participation) and this girl(I don't know her) remarked that she was singing with me - she didn't have the annoyed tone but I feel like maybe I did offend some of the people I didn't know...?

I don't know...this EQ thing is honestly tiring. I have to over-exert EQ at work, I'm pretty much dead the moment I get off work. Or have I just got mild social anxiety...? I don't think I have low self confidence/esteem but this sort of "handling people matters" business is really puzzling to me. And I really second guess everything I say after I go home. Guess who's not sleeping tonight because of all these thoughts....

Who am I kidding, I should just move to the mountains and be a hermit in solitude so I don't have to care about what other people think about what I said/did.



Blogging because I've got a lot on my mind. It's been months and months since I've posted but in all honesty, I've stopped sharing because I don't want to be airing my private life for the world to see, and for it to maybe bite me from the back one day. 



Honestly, I feel like I've had a shit week.

Turned up to work every single day this week feeling underpaid, overworked and just shit in general. Every day of my work week this week I wondered how long I can keep this up. Was talking to a colleague at work about leave and holidays. She mentioned long service leave after working for 10 years at the same company, and I just could not fathom doing this for another 10 years. I would literally go crazy I think. Barely 6 months in and I'm already considering getting out. Initially I was thinking I'l do this for another 2-5 years and take my time to think through what I really want and transition when it's time but that means I have to bear with this for another couple of years. It's probably not the job or the people..it's just the whole profession in general. I don't think I'm cut out for it or I just don't love it enough. Maybe it's the "being stuck in the same position with no progression or new challenges but more shit and same pay". There is no incentive to stay in this other than it being a full time job with really nice colleagues. But on the other hand, I have to be thankful to have a full time job that's so near home and colleagues that I enjoy working with. Conflicted and just confused in general about where this or where I'm heading to. I think 6 months in, I've really lost any direction I did have because now there is no end goal. There is no "end result" coming out of this. And honestly that's pretty bleak-looking. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic about this all, but it says something if an increasing percentage of graduates are leaving the profession after barely starting in it. Have been pretty grumpy the whole week so I really have to get in the right headspace this weekend to be ready to face another week head-on.

On a sidenote, you really know you're getting old when you have to write down what you need to get done on the weekend so you don't forget :P



I've really abandoned this blog for so long. I realise as time passes, the more I want to keep things to myself and not publish anything on my social sites. Couldn't find my physical diary today so here I am..on the digital version - which shows how long I haven't written in either. 



Finally some summer-like weather has arrived! 



Update update! A lot has happened since my last post - both in my personal life and also with the whole Trump presidency.

Glad to announce I passed that major oral exam and am almost at the finishing line which I still feel very unprepared to pass/reach. Funny thing was that I received the results(yes by snail mail..) the same day Trump presidency was announced. Huge weight lifted off, glory be to God for His provision. 4 weeks before the exam I was so close to having a meltdown but somehow I made it through. Now that I'm actually going to have to face real work and real responsibilities soon, I must say it feels pretty daunting. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying this honeymoon period of no responsibilities. In a month's time, everything's going to be different and I'll have to check my own work and be responsible for my own mistakes :/

But for now as I said, still the honeymoon period, just enjoying while I still can. This morning I even went shopping because I had this particular pair of jeans in mind that I saw when I went shopping last night. Ended up coming home with 3 pairs of jeans and 2 shirts. Oops. So much for I am just going to check out that one pair of jeans again.....ohwell, hole in pocket already burned.

It's really hard to accept that the year is almost over. 1 year ago I was dreading the full time working
while studying and now that I'm actually done it feels weird. It's like I've lost any inspiration to do something that I have nothing to do when I get home nowadays. I finished watching scarlet heart ryeo ..maybe I should start another drama hahaha. The easy carefree life LOL. I have met my friend quite a few times now since we were done with the exams so that was good.

As I'm typing this post up I'm waiting for my streak of hair to bleach. Been wanting to do this since the end of May after graduation but it never happened and it just got postponed again and again till now. Hopefully it works out fine and I will have a tiny pink streak HAHAHA. Because of work I can't have super crazy hair if not it looks very unprofessional so I guess this may be the craziest my hair will ever get. If not now then it will probably never happen again. The cost of doing this though, I may as well buy a good quality hair extension and just clip it in. But for the sake of trying it out and just having real crazy hair, I decided to go ahead with it. Anyway, I may update on how it goes...we'll see. If it didn't work or I messed it up then you probably won't hear from me in another long while hahaha.

I'm out.



Hello world, I'm back.

Simply put, the past few weeks have been nothing short of a  whirlwind of madness. Looking back now it still doesn't feel real. I don't know how I would have made it through without Him. The week of my exam I felt sick in the stomach every morning and the thought of food just disgusted me. The night before the exam I got woken up with a panic attack in the middle of the night. By His grace I survived it so hopefully I pass as well so I don't have to go through all that again.

Got a lot on my mind tonight. So many things have been just thrown at me today, where should I start...
Someone I came to be quite close to at work just told me today that they'll be leaving in 5-6 weeks for a job closer to home. I guess I was expecting something like this to happen in the near future. It was either him leaving first or me leaving. But I honestly didn't expect it to be this soon. I guess goodbyes are always unexpected no matter how prepared you are.
The past few days I've also been getting questions about what my plans are for next year. I was told I would be offered a position to stay on but in another location 100+kms each way which adds up to 2-3hours drive a day - the hours that the person mentioned above was doing. At this point in time, I don't even feel like I'm in the position to negotiate pay, which after deducting petrol and time costs would leave me earning peanut shells from the peanuts that I would already be earning. Considering the time involved, car maintenance, care mileage etc. I don't know if it's worth it. On the other hand, it means I don't have to start job hunting again in an already super competitive market; and if I plan to go back to study in the near future it won't be as awkward to just lift off and go. In a way it's also more forgiving that I don't know everything there is to know.
Have also been starting to thing about study and future career options. 5 years out of high school with a paper in my hand, I'm still in no better position than I was 5 years ago. Average pay per hour in my current profession is about $32 an hour and it is unlikely to increase dramatically even with experience and there is little opportunity for career advancement if any, meaning once you get in, you've basically hit the ceiling in a crashing tower. It's getting increasingly difficult to stay in business and the profit margins are shrinking with each government cut. At the current rate I'm going,  it's not going to be enough for me to become self-sustaining/independent. Correction, it will be impossible for me to ever move out and own a place of my own, a car, or even to be able to support myself sufficiently. Being in this profession means I'll have to work weekends, late nights and public holidays for peanuts, plus deal with crazy and difficult people. Me not being a people-person naturally might just mean I would burn out really early. I don't know. Options are open. We'll see.
But for now..I need to pass the exam first.



It is getting precariously close to my exam and my brain is refusing any information input.
Terrible terrible time to not be able to focus and remember.
Wasted my entire weekend reading with everything going in and then going straight out again. Had work today and then went to the library after for 3.5hours and pretty much same thing again. Everything goes in and comes out. Studying is such a struggle right now.
Pure frustration in trying to just sit down and focus to get information in ARGHHH. I don't even have that much time left and there's a lot to cover. But for now, I think my brain is entirely gone so..early night. The battle starts again tmr..



MY.BRAIN.IS.SO.TIRED.

I've had the week off since Monday and have spent the past few days cramming. Been heading off to the uni library since they open till midnight and trying to be productive for the entire 6-7 hours I park myself there. I really should just go live there now.

Today/yesterday was particularly unproductive. It's got to that point again where I've finished covering the information, now I need to memorise it and the more I read the more I forget. Don't even know what's wrong with me. I actually went there a bit earlier than usual today, did an hour's worth of half-assed work and almost fell asleep. Persevered for another hour and in the end decided to head home for my first proper dinner since Monday lol. Decided to then head back again to the library to see if I could get any work done while the library was still open. Well I read stuff..but the reading didn't make the stuff jump from the page into my head. Sigh, feeling really unaccomplished today. Tired and unaccomplished. Have to now survive a full weekend of work starting later today and then a full on seminar on 2 days next week. And then back to more intense cramming. Really haven't learnt my lesson about starting to study earlier and more consistently LOL. All those years of education haven't given me good studying habits hahahah.

Alright in the interests of surviving the weekend, enough ranting, I'm off to bed...



Another quick one.

Deactivated my fb account and just knocked out really early last night. Completely wacked out by 10pm last night..was amazing. Needless to say, no studying got done last night for which I will feel eternally guilty..I can't help but feel screwed at this point in time. Trying desperately to work out when I can and should start taking leave to study.

Feel like a fool really. I should have started way earlier than now. Shouldn't have trusted so naively. It was and is so stupid of me to not have noticed anything.



Quick break because I feel my brain is quite fried atm.
Decided to hop off to the library today because studying at home has just become so very unproductive. Only problem is I have to move the car every 2 hours because parking is limited.
It has finally hit me about how much work I have to do and how much I really need to start getting into my head albeit a bit late. Really should have started earlier but that's what you always say when it's too late. Only can move forward from here really..I got my confirmation email yesterday as well so the shit is getting real..and if I don't study harder, shit will hit the fan.

It's really back to the vicious cycle of having to force myself to study and then feeling guilty when I'm not studying. No idea how I'm meant to finish studying :/ but ohwell, here goes nothing



It is one of those late nights..the ones I used to have the night leading up to an exam. Except
This time, it's 6 weeks in advance.
It's one of those times where you go to bed telling yourself you need rest for energy for the next day, go to bed and end up tossing and turning. I wouldn't go as far to say it was a panic attack but the panic and stress is really starting to sink in now. The past few days have just been terrible. If  I'm not studying I feel guilty, if I am studying, nothing is going in. And it seems like such an insurmountable pile of information and content that I have to unfortunately know by heart at the end of the next 6 weeks or so.

I'm tired..I'm yawning now but the moment I turn off the lights and jump in bed I know I'm wide awake again feeling guilty about not studying more.
It's like I've absolutely forgotten how to study and the stress of it all has never set in this early before it's crazy. It's back to the I'm-staring-at-the-book-but-not-really-reading scenarios. Gah.





Nothing keeps you awake better than anger. Not even a triple shot coffee.







Long time no blog.

Well nothing interesting has really happened over the past month so I haven't attempted to blog at all. It's just the past few days that have been eventful. Not necessarily in the good way.

Had a terrible day at work yesterday. I think it was one of the worst so far. It was crazy person after crazy person and it all just had to occur at the same time. And on the weekend when you don't have the regular people in charge who know what's going on. Of course, Murphy's law. There was this ongoing problem that someone had and the son was calling and everyone of course had to be serving a customer (me included) and I had to answer the phone and explain things. To be honest I think I got to the point of even being rude to the guy on the phone because we've already done what we can within our capacity, you're creating a ton of problems and making us fix this and that the way you want it. We know very clearly what we are doing and have done, it's then on your end to make sure things work out on your side. And then this other couple came in and another complicated story arised where none of us knew how to do the correct thing. All this while the lady boss is on duty. Because of course it had to be super busy and everything just HAD to go wrong. In the afternoon this young couple came back to return something because it expired at the end of the month and it wasn't something that was going to be used regularly - got a refund and everything, which put a huge question mark on the stock management when the boss wasn't there. I was so frustrated I told this girl who was quitting I wish I could quit too.

I'm so tired of working now, and after yesterday I'm starting to think I'm really not cut out for this. I hate dealing with these crazy people. I know I shouldn't take it personally but to handle crazy people and the pressure to be on the ball for 6.5 hours every week is just so exhausting. Every saturday I get home dead, and it's one of my shorter shifts in the week, and no-one can say anything about it either. My face was completely black by the end of the morning and I think I probably burned my chances of getting hired for next year. Initially at the start of my shift, she was asking me questions about work and exams and all, and then the craziness happened and after that it was zero conversation really.

Looking back now, I really shouldn't have behaved like that and said that to the other girl (hopefully no one else heard me.....). If I can't handle the stress now, how am I supposed to manage it next year, and myself at that. I think it was also the frustration of not knowing things when I'm there almost every day of the week -.- Felt stupid, useless and just frustrated with the whole bloody situation.

It's also the holiday season now, one lady's going on annual leave (she has...relations and strings are pulled without her having to pull them herself lol), another lady's taking leave because she's moving house, one girl is quitting. The next 2 weeks are going to be nuts for me. Don't know why I agreed but I'm working tomorrow through to Sunday, seminar on monday and tuesday, wednesday day off, thursday back to work till sunday and then who knows what's happening the week after. And I'm meant to study on top of this. What?!!

Mega big sigh. Really sick of all this.

Oh and I also went whale watching today but that's a post for another day. Still feeling too ARGH to talk about anything else other than venting about yesterday's happenings.



I think my brain's really fried. Or my mental state's really fried.

Had 2 full on days in uni starting at 8am and ending at 5pm. Had 2 days off and then it's back to work again tomorrow.

I desperately want to get out again. It's that urge to go run free. Literally.

Have someone coming over on holiday next week and was planning to go horse riding with them next week. Tried to book the horse-riding since yesterday but I haven't got any confirmation with them yet. Finally decided to email them directly to make sure they get it and hopefully we get confirmation soon. I'm actually quite excited to go. Get some air, go see the beach(mornington peninsula), see the bush, get some refreshed motivation to start the whole cycle again.

Woke up with weird balancing issues this morning. Slept early last night and ended up sleeping in this morning because I was that tired..Anyway, I couldn't even walk straight this morning, even now I'm still feeling not quite right for some reason. Last night I was feeling a bit off too and I thought maybe it was because I had been staring at the computer screen for too long. I don't know :/ It seems like it could be a migraine but then it's not unilateral so it can't be a migraine...or am I just falling sick D: Or getting old..hmmmm. Better make a mental note to myself to sleep early tonight, if not I might just crash at work HAHA.

Will update again soon. Hopefully.




I'm not one of those "I just graduate, now unemployed"...not YET.

It was a super hectic and chaotic day in short. Everything was over so fast so quickly. I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep so I just woke up and chilled. My gown pickup time was from 2pm so I had the morning to basically do anything I needed to do. The makeup took way longer than I planned because the stupid eyelashes didn't want to stick. I found an ingenious way of sticking on false eyelashes on youtube. Instead of sticking them above your lashes, cut them up into smaller sections and stick them UNDER your real lashes. This way, it looks super natural and you don't even need mascara so no worries about smudging anything. Got super frustrated too because my mum used my gel eyeliner pencil to draw her eyebrows one morning when she was in a rush. It's not the auto kind so you actually have to buy a sharpener. I bought a sharpener in advance only to realise my pencil was too big to fit in the sharpener that I bought-.- Anyway, makeup took up too much time, luckily the hair was not a big mess so I didn't have to fiddle with it. Ended up getting to the place at 2.30pm. Was supposed to go together with the whole family but they were running late too, so I ended up going alone first. Got gowned up and everything, and then managed to find 2 other friends for pictures.

The ceremony itself felt a lot shorter than I expected! Didn't end up falling asleep so all was good. LOL when I went up on stage, when they call your name, you're meant to doff the hat. I tried to do it and couldn't find the top of the hat and was literally grasping thin air hahahahaha. All this on huge screens above the stage >< In the end I just gave up hahahahaha.

Anyway, my mum actually bought flowers for me, for the first time ever. AND THEN SOMEONE STOLE THEM. What happened was...flowers and gifts are not allowed to be taken into the hall. I'm not sure what the plan was but everything was left outside on a long table. After the ceremony, when my brother went to retrieve my flowers...it was gone D: The staff offered us a replacement bouquet instead so..we just made do. Ohwell, whoever stole my flowers...I wonder if they went home and realised they took someone else's. Shame on you. ): Actually looking back the photos, there wasn't even a proper photo of the bouquet my mum got for me ): Apparently she picked the flowers out herself ): Sigh.

The queue for professional photos was supersuper long after the ceremony so in the end I had no time to find my friends to do a group photo. It was just people everywhere and queues everywhere, it was just crazy. Had to rush to return the gown as well because there was a fine if you returned it late.

Rushed home to change and then had teppanyaki for dinner - it was so good!

Now that I've been through the ceremony, got my papers, taken my pictures, real life has resumed. It's like it never happened and yet it did.

Thank you God for the good weather, for my family especially my mum who have withstood my countless periods of tears, frustration and joy over the past 4 years. It wasn't the easiest journey but I've made it and I couldn't have made it without you. I've met amazing people along the way and had really enjoyable overseas trips that I never thought I would have had (bankok! sg! fiji! bali!).

This is it for now, but who knows, if I study again, there may be another round ;P



It's been a good week! 



Now that the exam is over, life has resumed to the usual, work, home, chill..and pretend to study(oops!)

About the exam..hm..fingers crossed I passed. The passing is very uncertain because it isn't based on your overall score but rather the category of questions. So there are a few categories and you have to get various scores in the various categories to pass. So if you fail in one category, you basically fail the whole paper. So yes, fingers tightly crossed everything goes fine :X

I was supposed to go get a haircut today so there's enough time for the hair to settle down before graduation but I got a text saying there was a blackout and I have to reschedule...In the end I decided to reschedule for Sunday with a different stylist because I don't want to risk cutting it less than a week before it. Gahhh this timing thing is not working out for me at all..The stylist that people raved about and that I booked with for today doesn't work on Sundays so I just decided to settle with whoever...hopefully it will be alright LOL. It made me start questioning if I really wanted to cut bangs again after the 2-3 years of having hair to flip HAHA. But I need shorter fringe so I can tie my hair properly for work...I don't know...now I have until Sunday to change my mind.

The weather has been CRAP this week. It started on Sunday (what a day) where apparently a cold front was hitting combined with the moisture in the air = rain ..said the weather forecast. So we have been stuck with gloomy gloomy skies ):

OH, my power button died on Sunday too (seriously, what a day...). I was saying I guess it's time to get a new phone. After all, I can't get any updates anymore because my phone model is "too old". I can't even download the new banking app because it isn't supported on my current iOS which..cannot be updated any further. But phone plans or phones are not as cheap anymore..it's at least $15 more per month I have to pay :/ Carefully considering what I should do...

Ciao!



This shall be a really quick one. 



Recently, it's all been just work work work work work (haha got the joke?)



Haha, it seems like every post begins with 'it's been a while'.

I guess it's way different from how in the past something interesting happened every so often and I could blog about it..back to the sec/high school days. Maybe because now things are not very interesting anymore? I mean, it's now pretty much work, home, study, chill. It's just hard to actively find something to blog about because I literally..don't do anything interesting on my days off, and if anything interesting happens at work, it's not exactly the most ethical thing to share or complain about.

Anyway, I just signed up for the first written exam which is in May..on a Sunday, bright and early - starts at 9am but have to be there at 8.15am. So for now till then, it's cram cram cram. May is going to be a super busy month it seems. I have 2 assignments due on the 2nd, graduation ceremony on the 24th, exam in between that, seminar at the end of May. It seems like I'll never get any peace LOL. I better study like crazy so I pass the exam on the first round, if not it's almost $600 down the drain D:

I went out to get some documents bound today so it would be easier to flip. It was so dumb of me because it's a 600+ page document and they had to come up with a new version last month and I already printed the previous edition. Had to print the whole thing over again. The first time I printed it, it was halfway through the index when the printer ran out of ink and I had to run out to buy toner. I've spent so much money just on printing the law and buying adhesive tabs and the references itself. This is working out to be a lot more expensive than anticipated...

Thankfully the one thing that has been good so far is the weather. We're heading toward winter soon but it's still 25 degrees with blue skies and sunny days. What not to be thankful for?



It seems I only blog on my off-days now..

It was my friend's birthday today..yesterday(it's past midnight now) so I decided to go surprise her. Bought a card and 2 small cakes and turned up at her doorstep randomly. Having a car around makes things possible!

Talking about car, I don't think I have mentioned this at all, but we got a new baby. A mazda3 maxx in deep crystal blue!! Technically it's not my car. It's a family car but at my disposal haha. Loving it very much still. The GPS is really good, it shows which lane you should keep too, what the signboards on the freeways say etc. Audio is fantastic, 3 speakers on the dashboard, perfect for blasting anything and everything. Driving-wise..it's pretty much the same as the next car on the street. The engine is a bit noisy though although they did channel a bit of a sports car sound to it..if that makes sense. I can't decide if choosing deep crystal blue was a mistake or not though. Saw another model in that colour at the dealership and fell in love. It's like a midnight blue-black colour..sometimes it looks black(especially under the shade) but it's blue too. It's..a complicated colour to explain. But my point was, the first time it rained and the car was parked outdoors, my heart broke LOL. Shattered by the millions of raindrops. It was once nice and shiny and beautiful and now it's quite...dirty. And visibly dirty at that, because of the colour of the paint D:

I've also been spending too much money online. It's a love-hate relationship...I'm terrible when shopping online, it's like my money rains down from the heavens or something. Is it normal for working people to calculate how much they're spending in work hours...like something costs XX, that's XX hours of work?!! Because I do it....all the time......CONTROL. Control..

Contacted Apple yesterday too because when I applied online for replacement chargers (for the recall), I only received 1 out of 2 (I applied for those 2 separately), and now the status for both of them are marked as "closed". WHY. Started this online chat thing from their support site, the person asked me how can I help you, I replied, person disappeared-.- only to email me back not long after saying they've recorded the case and and happy to continue helping me when I contact them again. If not for the extra "safe" plus I got from the new mac I might have flipped. How hard can counting and posting according to serial numbers be so hard for an established organisation?!! If I can get a mac delivered to my house so quickly after ordering online, I don't see why it doesn't happen for the chargers. Surely there's a system in place, it can't be that hard to post according to what you receive. What's worse, I can't apply for another one using those serial numbers..because it's just not allowed-.- I honestly can't be bothered dropping in to an apple store because finding parking in that shopping centre is 100% nightmare, especially now where I think there still is some construction going on for more shops/parking.

Sigh. As for the study status. Well today's update on that is Nada. Zilch. Reading the law will do your head in if you're not reading it with a clear and alert mind. Seriously. It's written in such a roundabout way with so many unnecessary words that just makes comprehension even more challenging. Because having to sit down and read the law is not challenging enough. I'm not going to lie, it's interesting when you actually sit down and get into it but the actual task of having to get into it is so unappealing atm. The language used doesn't help increase it's charm either.

It's going to be a long day....






It's been quite a restful pseudo-weekend for me but the weather has been so unrelenting. Yesterday was so hot which meant last night was unbearable. Today it started cooling down and it looks like it could start raining any time soon.

Between watching videos and working on my cross-stitching project, I have managed to do zero study. Oops. I'm starting to think I was too ambitious when I bought that cross-stitching set on eBay..I wanted to do something big but I had no idea it would take me this long. It's been months and I haven't even finished a sixth of the whole thing haha. When I've finished a third of it, I'll post a celebratory picture LOL.

Had an extended chat with a friend about work and it seems she really has it bad. The people you work with really do play a big part in how happy you are at your job. It's quite surprising to see some people be so mean when years before, they had been in the exact same position, going through similar things. Isn't that just human nature..we just forget when we think we're all that. Hopefully things do improve for her though. You really get to know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the food chain in the crazy society. Life has so far gone study study study and now work work work.

Sigh.



I'm on a roll, or so it seems.
It's been a really long day. And it's so hot as well. Summer's almost over and yet today hit a top of 39 degrees I think?!! Like what....

Spent my day running between workplaces, plastering on the smile that I have just for work purposes. It took the longest time for me to get home today too. The jam was just UGH. It was weird that there even was a jam considering it wasn't peak hour and there weren't any accidents on the way at all.

There are those good days, where the smile I have on my face at work isn't an artificial one and I actually know what I'm doing/talking about. I got home around 8 today, had dinner, did the dishes, went straight to do my online discussion thing and then here I am blogging because I can't be bothered to find that 1 reference I can't seem to find. It's always when you're trying to find something then you can't find it. Murphy's law is real y'all. Nothing special is going on my life really, I guess this is what work life is like..LOL I could fall asleep in my chair right now. I must say though..I'm so sick of tuna and crackers for lunch. No joke, I just couldn't down my entire lunch today. Ate half and decided to chuck the rest. Or maybe I'm just fedup with going to that place. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm off to washup and then to bed it is :D



It's clearly not my day today..I should just go home and curl up into a ball.

It's only midday and already so much is not going my way fml.

For starters, I'm back "there" again. Yes, that place 1.5 hours away from home. This morning on the drive here, I got confused with the GPS and made a wrong turn. My ETA predicted would mean I was going to be late so I called in to inform them, only just to make ANOTHER wrong turn. When I finally got the car park and parked, the entrance from the basement to the shops was SEALED because they just painted the ground and it was still wet. So already late as I was I had to search for another entrance. When I got to the place, I was told I was meant to be in the other workplace and I had to bump into the lady boss as well. I pretty much spent my morning running errands between the 2 places -.- . Remind me again why I slogged for 4 years....

Back to the madness.
Ciao



It's back to...THAT place again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.
After chatting with a senior (whose position I took over), the same thing happened to him too. Why send us all the way there to do stocktake or put stock away. If we were replacing someone higher up in position, why are we doing these menial tasks 1.5 hours away from the place we are supposed to be working at? Isn't it a bit of stretch to send us so far away just to put away stock or do stocktake? Like how is that even cost effective?!! The whole hierarchy of the place is just..weird. I don't understand why the manager there orders me around when technically I'm not shop staff. I mean, if you have a shortage of staff because you need someone to put stock away or count your stock then you need to go hire someone else. I didn't study 4 crazy years to put stock away. I wouldn't need a university degree to be able to do that. I don't have to be that smart to know I'm being exploited for cheap labour (although I'm pretty expensive to be putting away stock for hours on hand). I can't believe the manager could walk out smiling when she finished work before me. Like why am I even being rostered there when you don't even need me -.-

I've also found out my pet peeve of all time. I really really hate it when someone tells me to do something, I do it, and then the same person comes up to me and says THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S DONE, DO IT THIS OTHER WAY. And of course they could not have told me that in the first place. Of course not. Because I was supposed to read their minds and do things their way. Like I get there's some procedures or standard you have to follow but seriously, if you're not going to tell me what they are, then don't expect me to know what they are..like why even!?!?!?

A lot of things and people baffle me and piss me off to no end these days. I don't even know why I bother anymore.



Ok, I had to sit down and think really hard what the itinerary was for the last half of the trip and here goes.











Tired is an understatement.

Just had another shitty day.

And I think it's been enough to put me off this profession. I always knew I didn't want to stay but in my mind it was always "come on, only x years to go". Am I happy? Not in the least.
I'm so sick of the facade I have to put on, in front of customers, in front of the other people I work with. Tired of having to smile and pretend I'm feeling great when I'm feeling shit inside. I'm tired of it all. I feel like I've been sucked so dry my mind is like the desert. Empty. Desolate. Lost.

And it's at this point I'm thinking, I'm done with this profession. That's it. On the train ride back today I was seriously considering just quitting right now and just going to study something else or take the year off to think about what I want while working part time. But it also means I've wasted 4 years of my life. But this is the strongest I have felt it yet.

I remember spouting some generic rubbish about wanting to help people in an interview. I don't want to help anyone anymore. I need to help myself first.

The whole day was shitty, right from the start to the end. Usually if I have a shitty day, it's just one thing that makes the whole day suck but today was just terrible.

2 shifts now, I've had to travel 3 hours return journey to another workplace because the boss said the S workplace was understaffed while we were overstaffed. I'm not even paid a single cent to travel there mind you, and not to mention, it has a reputation for being a dodgy area.

I had to juggle between an impatient/rude doctor and an impatient customer. And then the manager had to keep unloading jobs for me to do like take stock according to this list, can you serve this customer, can you go up to the tills, can you check if that man is alright, can you put this stock away, that needs to be double priced, extra stock can't just be stacked behind blah blah you get the gist. In short, my whole day after the stupid phone call was pretty much can you do this/that. And the doctor was just wth. I had to call like 3 times until I was finally able to speak to her only to find out she didn't know what was going on as well. Had to put the doctor on hold because who am I to make any decision and I had to check with my supervisor. And I suspect the doctor wasn't very happy because she put down the phone before I even "finished" per se. Like wth, it's your patient, get your shit right. All this shit. On my first day at this other workplace. WTH? I don't know anything and am doing things super slow because..surprise, it's my first time there?!! Why am I the one expected to run errands and do all the "chores". I even had to close shop today which involves rolling all the display stuff outside the shop or in the doorway of the shop inside. Myself. There were so many it was just wth. Felt like the biggest idiot today, running around like a headless chicken to fend for myself. Didn't help that customers came to ask me where things were when I served them (I had to serve them -.-) and all the disapproving looks I got when I didn't know where anything was. One does not simply learn where everything is in that kind of sized shop in 7.5 hours. NO WAY. Too slow? Well I'm fucking sorry, I've never worked there before.

I do sound like I'm whining huh. Got home, had a good long cry and now let's hope shit doesn't happen again when I go there next friday.






Have 10 minutes of my lunch break left and here I am blogging because..it's been a while.
Life has been crazy..it's like I've lost all freedom whatsoever. Had to cover someone at work yesterday because she was sick..so I lost 1 off day and am having fun coming to work 6 days this week. Ok granted on the weekend I do half day shifts. Getting home everyday with aching feet. Either I'm becoming a granny and also I need to get a new pair of shoes for work. Literally I get home and refuse to get up from any seat lol. Need work clothes too if not the laundry will never get done..

There are so many deliveries today at work that we need to mark off and then put away, but at least it's something to do.

I know I said I was going to post part 2 of the tassie adventures and it's not up yet..I've typed up half of that part 2 and realised it was going to be a lot longer than I initially thought. Ohwell we'll see how that goes..

These days it's just a cycle of work, go home, do some cross stitch, watch my kdrama(empress ki - it's good so far!). Not much of a life really. Sigh.



Having nothing to do is both a blessing yet detriment in disguise. At first, the freedom is great, and then it starts to feel like a lone ranger trudging in the desert. I feel like I need something to accomplish and yet I don't feel like wanting to start doing anything at all. Signs of becoming a bum. I don't miss the crazy studying and the crazy catching up on lectures, but now that I have the time, I have no idea where to start. Now that I've got what I set out to do, why is it that I feel so...empty? Sigh first world problems indeed.

I read this article today on "why we'll always be closest to the people who knew us when we were young and reckless" and I have to say it speaks a lot of truths. Back then, we were really crazy. Of course we still are now but nothing compared to our yesteryears. Back then, we had everything going on in our lives. Everything, except worry about what the future holds. It was fun back then.



Just finished applying to graduate.

Does it feel real?

No, not really.

After all, it was just a tiny online application that I just had to check the details of and make payment for. It has been 4 years. Already. 4 years of increasing madness as it moved toward the exams. I think it was no secret but I was expecting to fail or have a borderline pass for 2 of my subjects. God is good. By His grace, I passed both and did quite alright. I had never walked out of exams feeling the way I did with those 2 papers. It was a mixture of 'shit I failed that' and 'I don't care anymore'. It's been a long way coming. Every obstacle felt like an unwavering fortress. Am I ready for the workforce? Hmm, we'll see.

It was quite funny because the results were accidentally disclosed early. And then by the time I found out, they were disabled again (results are release online) so I had to play the waiting game. I was feeling surprisingly calm when the text was sent out last night, and then after that was just the joy that I didn't fail anything. So I wouldn't have to go crazy again, round 2. I will have more than enough on my plate next year tyvm.

Started watching 'Healer', next drama will probably be empress ki or maybe scholar who walks the night. I have a thing for medical dramas and historical dramas for some reason, but for now, Healer will do. It is getting more exciting at the part where I'm watching though. I'm just not hooked..yet. There are some dramas that you just NEED to keep watching. There are also others that I started and didn't finish, and I don't miss them at all. Haven't found one that has got me hooked for a while now, so will try my luck LOL.

Also, been dabbling in the creative side because I have to find something to do. Took out the brushes again and bought some crayola watercolour paints because..crayola is awesome. HAHA. Wanted to try watercolour modern calligraphy and it's definitely easier when I saw it on youtube..my hands have a mind of their own so we'll see how that turns out. Also tried this watercolour gem thing that's pretty cool and super easy to do, just that it requires a lot of patience. Found the idea on the net so why not just try it right.

Meanwhile, time for me to back into my crevice with my pringles and Healer :P








I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.



So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)



My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.



2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.

Had a really bad day at work today.
Maybe hormones but also maybe built up stress from this week and a couple other shifts over the past few weeks.
Almost started penning my resignation when I got home.
It's frustrating that I have to do jobs that are literally not my job. It doesn't help that my boss is incompetent in this area of practice that him being here to fill in short-staffing is just more work for us. It's to the point I'd rather we be short-staffed than have to work with him - and I'm not the only staff that thinks this way. There's no responsibility or accountability with him and the way he does things is so sloppy, I still have to go "clean up" after - which defeats the exact purpose of him being there in the first place.
The whole situation is just a huge mess. At this point in time, I just want to quit. But also, I don't want it to be a rash decision that I will regret after.
It's disappointing.

I started this post at the start of August and interestingly enough, I still feel exactly the same way about things now. Maybe I am hitting the quarter-life crisis. Not knowing where all this is going, not knowing where I'm going.

Finally have had a breather since my manager got back from his 1-month holiday. Not complaining that he was away for a month he deserves, but more about the way it was handled. I was doing extra hours, extra responsibilities, more work for an entire month. In short, to be crude, I was doing more shit for the same pay. At least I know my manager has enough faith in me to keep the place running smoothly for an extended period of time. But lately I've been feeling very unappreciated and undervalued by the owner/boss of the business for what I have been doing/have done for his business. I discovered some issues with my pay and am honestly very unhappy that this has been going on since I've been registered(close to 2 years now). Did the math and if we go according to legal minimum rates, I should be getting a pretty decent payout. And the most disappointing bit is that my pay isn't even based on what I do, it's the legal base minimum rate plus a dollar or 2 more on top.

Honestly, hand on heart, I owe this place my entire current career, I would be nowhere without them. But right now, I'm not sure if being loyal and complacent is the best option for me now. I filled in for the manager for the month that he was away, completed some of his responsibilities on top of all of mine and "babysitting" and I have never been so stressed in my life. If that's what my career progression looks like then I have to get out. Fast.

I was playing with the idea of quitting before I went on my Europe trip but now I just want out. Travelling was me escaping from all this. Now I don't even have the desire to travel to get out. After all that happened during the month where I had to step up and the pay issues I uncovered just...it's enough. On top of that, I've had to take some work home and do it in my own personal time on occasion.

If I can't be appreciated for the work I do and the value I add to the business then either I'm doing something very wrong, or it's time to quit. I don't care if my pay is going to raised from 1 Jan next year. I don't believe I'm even being paid for my value NOW. Rather, I'm just another worker who needs to be paid the minimum legal wage with some candy on top to make the boss feel like he's being generous. To be fair, my boss is a very nice man, he would buy everyone coffee etc. but I don't think he knows how to be a good boss. Instead of a coffee treat, I prefer my work to be valued and hopefully rewarded equally. There is pretty much zero leadership and zero communication. All the staff aren't told what is going on or what the boss even wants. We're just running in circles everyday like mindless workers. My manager knows how hard I work for this place and right now, why do I even bother? It's not like he knows what I do exactly anyway.

Someone can argue that my pay is pretty good for someone still somewhat fresh out of school but considering it took 5 years of hard study and expensive registration exams to become a PROFESSIONAL, this is shit. I know people have to do overtime, work on the weekends, after-hours etc in the corporate world. But I'm paid by the hour. Not a packaged salary. I don't get any bonuses to speak of, what hours I work are literally what I'm paid for, no more no less. I could go work in retail or in the supermarket without having to study and be paid close to what I'm earning right now.

Just to compound the whole work issue, someone who I thought was a friend turns out to not be one at all. When she needed a favour, I always had her back. The one time I asked for help when I knew she had to capacity to, she "forgot to reply" my text, and in the end, the answer was no she couldn't help anyway. I'm just very disappointed and betrayed to be honest. I thought we were close. I thought I could count on her. Not long ago she took almost a month to reply my text asking if she wanted to catch up. Catch-up did not happen. This time it's been 4 days and counting. You know what, if I'm not important enough for you to even reply a text asking if you're free to meet up, you're not worth my time. And this said friend has been active on facebook and is always on her phone so, I don't think there's really any excuse other than I'm not important enough. It's disappointing, it hurts, but it's time to move on.

I've really gotten so isolated ever since I finished school. Because of work, I stopped going to church, the people I meet related to my work - none of them are my peers. The friend I always hung out with turns out to not really be a friend at all. I don't love my work. I'm just tired thinking about having to deal with people and playing mind games about who's better and doing what's socially acceptable/correct. I'm so tired just having to please everyone all the time. Simply put, it feels like I'm stuck in a rut.

I started reading The Bubz Guide to Being Unstoppable written by Lindy Tsang, or Bubzbeauty, a Youtuber I've been following since I moved Down Under. Started reading again because I just needed some inspiration/motivation to try and get a move on. So far it's been really good, a few interesting revelations and viewpoints that I would not have thought of. Meanwhile, trying to find..a passion. All those years of focussing on studying and then working have killed my personal life entirely. Ever since the move down under, on the surface it seems like I've got everything going for me but in truth, I've lost everything I treasured. It seems like everything I've built has once again fallen apart. It's just not the same. I don't know if it's because I've subconsciously built walls around me or I just can't relate with the culture here. I thought I made friends but it turns out I didn't. I thought I found a stable job but it turns out to be one I don't love.

To be fair, a lot of the unhappiness has had to do with me and my attitude toward all of this. Which is also the reason why I say I'm not ready for a relationship yet. If I'm not happy in who I am, I can't expect/rely on a partner to make me happy. That's how a relationship can break down. A healthy relationship is two independently happy people choosing to walk together. On that same thought, if I'm unhappy, and my partner is happy, I don't want to be dragging down someone else into a relationship that will ultimately end in a lot of resentment because of me. Only I have the power to make myself happy. And that's the journey. Work in progress.

Don't know if it's hormones or I've just been grumpy the whole week but the week ended on a bad note. I was so close to flipping yesterday it's not even funny.
Decided to update my resume today and seriously questioning what I have even achieved in my 2.5 years working full-time. Every day's been running around in circles. Spent my morning googling what professions I can consider transitioning to, how to get there, if further study would help me get anywhere but here etc. But it seems like it's a dead end because it's such a specific line of study. Read a statistic on a forum(posted 2016) that 82% of the profession were considering leaving the profession. If that isn't a sign of something wrong, I don't know what is. And as forums go, the discussion goes back and forth with people saying we're whiners and we don't deserve the pay we get for what we do/we shouldn't be complaining, misunderstanding what we do etc and it just goes to show the disrespect that we have, even from the general public. It's sad really. There isn't even a representative agency for the regular everyday professional, the guild only represents owners' interests to the government and that's why the rest of us are fed the bull crap we sadly accept. I'm definitely reaching breaking point and am totally ready to leave for good because I've had enough. There were articles about signs you should quit and scarily enough I match almost all of them now. But what's even scarier is that probably every job in this profession is more or less the same and will end in similar outcomes.
I made this really stupid mistake yesterday and I can't get over it yet. It's really been bugging me but it's too late to do anything about it. I was tired and distracted but I have no excuse to have made such a stupid mistake as I did. Honestly, I feel like I'm doing a shit job and don't have the confidence to do my job well enough now. I can't drag myself to work and pretend to be ok with it for very much longer. A couple nights ago I couldn't sleep wondering how much longer I could stay in this and deal with this shit that I got myself into. Why/who am I working so hard for, how much longer can I pretend I care? I initially promised myself 3 years, maybe 5 years max. Oh how I have grossly overestimated myself. 1.5 years and I'm ready to get out for good. Except I can't just quit with no backup plan involved.
But for now, some revision is probably due.

Been back from Europe for 10 days now and reality has finally kicked in.

Got yelled at by a doctor over the phone today - a rude reminder why I have to quit this profession and find something else to do. I do not get paid enough to deal with this shit. Sure, I have met a lot of great people but there is literally shit around every corner you turn. The day I manage to leave the profession, I might just provide some detail about what shit goes on behind the raised bench top, because people need to know and the conversation needs to start. According to surveys, our stress levels are on par with those of doctors and significantly higher than the general population. I don't think I've fully realised how angry a person this job has made me become, till today. The emotional impact is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot express how thankful I am for getting this job from the minute I graduated. But I do not see myself doing this very same thing in 10 years. There must be some other way. Poor working conditions, low remuneration, useless union, disrespect from other professionals, ludicrously demanding customers..what else? Sounds like a great reward for 5 years of intense studying and undergoing rigorous testing. I'm sure I've said it before but this profession's been going in circles. It hasn't changed in the last 10 years, it's not going to change now. If there's a good time to jump ship, it's NOW.

I have been trying to be in a good mood since I've got back and trying to convince myself that it's not THAT bad. After today's incident, absolutely nothing has changed and I still need to get out. It's horrible when one incident in your day ruins your entire day and it can be directly related to a single person. They probably don't even realise that they've ruined someone else's day, because we're all selfish. I'm past the point of shedding any tears about this sort of thing, all there is is anger and dissatisfaction. My tears are worth more than this whole situation. I'm worth more than this.

It's been a long night. Finally got some peace to myself.

Attended my friend's hen's party tonight and I realised how tired I am of spending time with strangers. Gets even more awkward when it comes to money.

If anyone reads this and cares to give me an opinion, please let me know if you think I'm over calculative, I would really like to know so I don't do it again in the future.

Dinner reservation was at 6, I only made it at 6.45 because of work commitments. A dish was pre-ordered for me by a friend and a bowl of rice. Dish $37,  Rice $3. I ended up sharing that with another friend and legit had maybe 4-5 pieces of pork belly plus rice. Bill comes, someone splits it and suddenly we're meant to pay $50-60pp.  I don't mind paying for the bride's share of things, but she can't have consumed at least $60-90 worth of food on her own. There were 14 people at the table, other people ordered drinks and a couple dishes to share etc. In my point of view, I literally had max 5 little pieces of pork belly and you want me to contribute $50-60..??? And then I got the weird look around the table amongst the people I don't actually know personally for mentioning that fact and for asking who I have to transfer money to. It's not like I had cash so it's not like I could spit up a single cent. It's not that I don't want to pay but first of all, why should I have to pay for your meal and drinks too when I don't even know you...?? There were other people throwing cash on the table that made me look even more like a miser but seriously..was I being too calculative? They probably just took the whole total and split it evenly which is what we would normally do if we actually shared ALL the food. But how can you demand 3 people who had one dish of pork belly to share, 2 bowls of rice and my poor friend had to eat all the leftovers, to pay $50-60pp for food and drinks we didn't even consume...?? We're not high rollers, we earn peanuts but that's beside the point. But was I being too calculative???

Actually honestly, I didn't really want to turn up when I saw the guest list. Usually I would just find some reason to avoid such a gathering but it's a good friend, I turned up for her because it's her night and she would like me to be there too.

And then after dinner and a short detour to dessert, we had a karaoke booking where no one wanted to sing. I mentioned it a couple times that no one was singing(and tried to encourage more participation) and this girl(I don't know her) remarked that she was singing with me - she didn't have the annoyed tone but I feel like maybe I did offend some of the people I didn't know...?

I don't know...this EQ thing is honestly tiring. I have to over-exert EQ at work, I'm pretty much dead the moment I get off work. Or have I just got mild social anxiety...? I don't think I have low self confidence/esteem but this sort of "handling people matters" business is really puzzling to me. And I really second guess everything I say after I go home. Guess who's not sleeping tonight because of all these thoughts....

Who am I kidding, I should just move to the mountains and be a hermit in solitude so I don't have to care about what other people think about what I said/did.

Blogging because I've got a lot on my mind. It's been months and months since I've posted but in all honesty, I've stopped sharing because I don't want to be airing my private life for the world to see, and for it to maybe bite me from the back one day. 

Honestly, I feel like I've had a shit week.

Turned up to work every single day this week feeling underpaid, overworked and just shit in general. Every day of my work week this week I wondered how long I can keep this up. Was talking to a colleague at work about leave and holidays. She mentioned long service leave after working for 10 years at the same company, and I just could not fathom doing this for another 10 years. I would literally go crazy I think. Barely 6 months in and I'm already considering getting out. Initially I was thinking I'l do this for another 2-5 years and take my time to think through what I really want and transition when it's time but that means I have to bear with this for another couple of years. It's probably not the job or the people..it's just the whole profession in general. I don't think I'm cut out for it or I just don't love it enough. Maybe it's the "being stuck in the same position with no progression or new challenges but more shit and same pay". There is no incentive to stay in this other than it being a full time job with really nice colleagues. But on the other hand, I have to be thankful to have a full time job that's so near home and colleagues that I enjoy working with. Conflicted and just confused in general about where this or where I'm heading to. I think 6 months in, I've really lost any direction I did have because now there is no end goal. There is no "end result" coming out of this. And honestly that's pretty bleak-looking. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic about this all, but it says something if an increasing percentage of graduates are leaving the profession after barely starting in it. Have been pretty grumpy the whole week so I really have to get in the right headspace this weekend to be ready to face another week head-on.

On a sidenote, you really know you're getting old when you have to write down what you need to get done on the weekend so you don't forget :P

I've really abandoned this blog for so long. I realise as time passes, the more I want to keep things to myself and not publish anything on my social sites. Couldn't find my physical diary today so here I am..on the digital version - which shows how long I haven't written in either. 

Finally some summer-like weather has arrived! 

Update update! A lot has happened since my last post - both in my personal life and also with the whole Trump presidency.

Glad to announce I passed that major oral exam and am almost at the finishing line which I still feel very unprepared to pass/reach. Funny thing was that I received the results(yes by snail mail..) the same day Trump presidency was announced. Huge weight lifted off, glory be to God for His provision. 4 weeks before the exam I was so close to having a meltdown but somehow I made it through. Now that I'm actually going to have to face real work and real responsibilities soon, I must say it feels pretty daunting. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying this honeymoon period of no responsibilities. In a month's time, everything's going to be different and I'll have to check my own work and be responsible for my own mistakes :/

But for now as I said, still the honeymoon period, just enjoying while I still can. This morning I even went shopping because I had this particular pair of jeans in mind that I saw when I went shopping last night. Ended up coming home with 3 pairs of jeans and 2 shirts. Oops. So much for I am just going to check out that one pair of jeans again.....ohwell, hole in pocket already burned.

It's really hard to accept that the year is almost over. 1 year ago I was dreading the full time working
while studying and now that I'm actually done it feels weird. It's like I've lost any inspiration to do something that I have nothing to do when I get home nowadays. I finished watching scarlet heart ryeo ..maybe I should start another drama hahaha. The easy carefree life LOL. I have met my friend quite a few times now since we were done with the exams so that was good.

As I'm typing this post up I'm waiting for my streak of hair to bleach. Been wanting to do this since the end of May after graduation but it never happened and it just got postponed again and again till now. Hopefully it works out fine and I will have a tiny pink streak HAHAHA. Because of work I can't have super crazy hair if not it looks very unprofessional so I guess this may be the craziest my hair will ever get. If not now then it will probably never happen again. The cost of doing this though, I may as well buy a good quality hair extension and just clip it in. But for the sake of trying it out and just having real crazy hair, I decided to go ahead with it. Anyway, I may update on how it goes...we'll see. If it didn't work or I messed it up then you probably won't hear from me in another long while hahaha.

I'm out.

Hello world, I'm back.

Simply put, the past few weeks have been nothing short of a  whirlwind of madness. Looking back now it still doesn't feel real. I don't know how I would have made it through without Him. The week of my exam I felt sick in the stomach every morning and the thought of food just disgusted me. The night before the exam I got woken up with a panic attack in the middle of the night. By His grace I survived it so hopefully I pass as well so I don't have to go through all that again.

Got a lot on my mind tonight. So many things have been just thrown at me today, where should I start...
Someone I came to be quite close to at work just told me today that they'll be leaving in 5-6 weeks for a job closer to home. I guess I was expecting something like this to happen in the near future. It was either him leaving first or me leaving. But I honestly didn't expect it to be this soon. I guess goodbyes are always unexpected no matter how prepared you are.
The past few days I've also been getting questions about what my plans are for next year. I was told I would be offered a position to stay on but in another location 100+kms each way which adds up to 2-3hours drive a day - the hours that the person mentioned above was doing. At this point in time, I don't even feel like I'm in the position to negotiate pay, which after deducting petrol and time costs would leave me earning peanut shells from the peanuts that I would already be earning. Considering the time involved, car maintenance, care mileage etc. I don't know if it's worth it. On the other hand, it means I don't have to start job hunting again in an already super competitive market; and if I plan to go back to study in the near future it won't be as awkward to just lift off and go. In a way it's also more forgiving that I don't know everything there is to know.
Have also been starting to thing about study and future career options. 5 years out of high school with a paper in my hand, I'm still in no better position than I was 5 years ago. Average pay per hour in my current profession is about $32 an hour and it is unlikely to increase dramatically even with experience and there is little opportunity for career advancement if any, meaning once you get in, you've basically hit the ceiling in a crashing tower. It's getting increasingly difficult to stay in business and the profit margins are shrinking with each government cut. At the current rate I'm going,  it's not going to be enough for me to become self-sustaining/independent. Correction, it will be impossible for me to ever move out and own a place of my own, a car, or even to be able to support myself sufficiently. Being in this profession means I'll have to work weekends, late nights and public holidays for peanuts, plus deal with crazy and difficult people. Me not being a people-person naturally might just mean I would burn out really early. I don't know. Options are open. We'll see.
But for now..I need to pass the exam first.

It is getting precariously close to my exam and my brain is refusing any information input.
Terrible terrible time to not be able to focus and remember.
Wasted my entire weekend reading with everything going in and then going straight out again. Had work today and then went to the library after for 3.5hours and pretty much same thing again. Everything goes in and comes out. Studying is such a struggle right now.
Pure frustration in trying to just sit down and focus to get information in ARGHHH. I don't even have that much time left and there's a lot to cover. But for now, I think my brain is entirely gone so..early night. The battle starts again tmr..

MY.BRAIN.IS.SO.TIRED.

I've had the week off since Monday and have spent the past few days cramming. Been heading off to the uni library since they open till midnight and trying to be productive for the entire 6-7 hours I park myself there. I really should just go live there now.

Today/yesterday was particularly unproductive. It's got to that point again where I've finished covering the information, now I need to memorise it and the more I read the more I forget. Don't even know what's wrong with me. I actually went there a bit earlier than usual today, did an hour's worth of half-assed work and almost fell asleep. Persevered for another hour and in the end decided to head home for my first proper dinner since Monday lol. Decided to then head back again to the library to see if I could get any work done while the library was still open. Well I read stuff..but the reading didn't make the stuff jump from the page into my head. Sigh, feeling really unaccomplished today. Tired and unaccomplished. Have to now survive a full weekend of work starting later today and then a full on seminar on 2 days next week. And then back to more intense cramming. Really haven't learnt my lesson about starting to study earlier and more consistently LOL. All those years of education haven't given me good studying habits hahahah.

Alright in the interests of surviving the weekend, enough ranting, I'm off to bed...

Another quick one.

Deactivated my fb account and just knocked out really early last night. Completely wacked out by 10pm last night..was amazing. Needless to say, no studying got done last night for which I will feel eternally guilty..I can't help but feel screwed at this point in time. Trying desperately to work out when I can and should start taking leave to study.

Feel like a fool really. I should have started way earlier than now. Shouldn't have trusted so naively. It was and is so stupid of me to not have noticed anything.

Quick break because I feel my brain is quite fried atm.
Decided to hop off to the library today because studying at home has just become so very unproductive. Only problem is I have to move the car every 2 hours because parking is limited.
It has finally hit me about how much work I have to do and how much I really need to start getting into my head albeit a bit late. Really should have started earlier but that's what you always say when it's too late. Only can move forward from here really..I got my confirmation email yesterday as well so the shit is getting real..and if I don't study harder, shit will hit the fan.

It's really back to the vicious cycle of having to force myself to study and then feeling guilty when I'm not studying. No idea how I'm meant to finish studying :/ but ohwell, here goes nothing

It is one of those late nights..the ones I used to have the night leading up to an exam. Except
This time, it's 6 weeks in advance.
It's one of those times where you go to bed telling yourself you need rest for energy for the next day, go to bed and end up tossing and turning. I wouldn't go as far to say it was a panic attack but the panic and stress is really starting to sink in now. The past few days have just been terrible. If  I'm not studying I feel guilty, if I am studying, nothing is going in. And it seems like such an insurmountable pile of information and content that I have to unfortunately know by heart at the end of the next 6 weeks or so.

I'm tired..I'm yawning now but the moment I turn off the lights and jump in bed I know I'm wide awake again feeling guilty about not studying more.
It's like I've absolutely forgotten how to study and the stress of it all has never set in this early before it's crazy. It's back to the I'm-staring-at-the-book-but-not-really-reading scenarios. Gah.



Nothing keeps you awake better than anger. Not even a triple shot coffee.



Long time no blog.

Well nothing interesting has really happened over the past month so I haven't attempted to blog at all. It's just the past few days that have been eventful. Not necessarily in the good way.

Had a terrible day at work yesterday. I think it was one of the worst so far. It was crazy person after crazy person and it all just had to occur at the same time. And on the weekend when you don't have the regular people in charge who know what's going on. Of course, Murphy's law. There was this ongoing problem that someone had and the son was calling and everyone of course had to be serving a customer (me included) and I had to answer the phone and explain things. To be honest I think I got to the point of even being rude to the guy on the phone because we've already done what we can within our capacity, you're creating a ton of problems and making us fix this and that the way you want it. We know very clearly what we are doing and have done, it's then on your end to make sure things work out on your side. And then this other couple came in and another complicated story arised where none of us knew how to do the correct thing. All this while the lady boss is on duty. Because of course it had to be super busy and everything just HAD to go wrong. In the afternoon this young couple came back to return something because it expired at the end of the month and it wasn't something that was going to be used regularly - got a refund and everything, which put a huge question mark on the stock management when the boss wasn't there. I was so frustrated I told this girl who was quitting I wish I could quit too.

I'm so tired of working now, and after yesterday I'm starting to think I'm really not cut out for this. I hate dealing with these crazy people. I know I shouldn't take it personally but to handle crazy people and the pressure to be on the ball for 6.5 hours every week is just so exhausting. Every saturday I get home dead, and it's one of my shorter shifts in the week, and no-one can say anything about it either. My face was completely black by the end of the morning and I think I probably burned my chances of getting hired for next year. Initially at the start of my shift, she was asking me questions about work and exams and all, and then the craziness happened and after that it was zero conversation really.

Looking back now, I really shouldn't have behaved like that and said that to the other girl (hopefully no one else heard me.....). If I can't handle the stress now, how am I supposed to manage it next year, and myself at that. I think it was also the frustration of not knowing things when I'm there almost every day of the week -.- Felt stupid, useless and just frustrated with the whole bloody situation.

It's also the holiday season now, one lady's going on annual leave (she has...relations and strings are pulled without her having to pull them herself lol), another lady's taking leave because she's moving house, one girl is quitting. The next 2 weeks are going to be nuts for me. Don't know why I agreed but I'm working tomorrow through to Sunday, seminar on monday and tuesday, wednesday day off, thursday back to work till sunday and then who knows what's happening the week after. And I'm meant to study on top of this. What?!!

Mega big sigh. Really sick of all this.

Oh and I also went whale watching today but that's a post for another day. Still feeling too ARGH to talk about anything else other than venting about yesterday's happenings.

I think my brain's really fried. Or my mental state's really fried.

Had 2 full on days in uni starting at 8am and ending at 5pm. Had 2 days off and then it's back to work again tomorrow.

I desperately want to get out again. It's that urge to go run free. Literally.

Have someone coming over on holiday next week and was planning to go horse riding with them next week. Tried to book the horse-riding since yesterday but I haven't got any confirmation with them yet. Finally decided to email them directly to make sure they get it and hopefully we get confirmation soon. I'm actually quite excited to go. Get some air, go see the beach(mornington peninsula), see the bush, get some refreshed motivation to start the whole cycle again.

Woke up with weird balancing issues this morning. Slept early last night and ended up sleeping in this morning because I was that tired..Anyway, I couldn't even walk straight this morning, even now I'm still feeling not quite right for some reason. Last night I was feeling a bit off too and I thought maybe it was because I had been staring at the computer screen for too long. I don't know :/ It seems like it could be a migraine but then it's not unilateral so it can't be a migraine...or am I just falling sick D: Or getting old..hmmmm. Better make a mental note to myself to sleep early tonight, if not I might just crash at work HAHA.

Will update again soon. Hopefully.


I'm not one of those "I just graduate, now unemployed"...not YET.

It was a super hectic and chaotic day in short. Everything was over so fast so quickly. I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep so I just woke up and chilled. My gown pickup time was from 2pm so I had the morning to basically do anything I needed to do. The makeup took way longer than I planned because the stupid eyelashes didn't want to stick. I found an ingenious way of sticking on false eyelashes on youtube. Instead of sticking them above your lashes, cut them up into smaller sections and stick them UNDER your real lashes. This way, it looks super natural and you don't even need mascara so no worries about smudging anything. Got super frustrated too because my mum used my gel eyeliner pencil to draw her eyebrows one morning when she was in a rush. It's not the auto kind so you actually have to buy a sharpener. I bought a sharpener in advance only to realise my pencil was too big to fit in the sharpener that I bought-.- Anyway, makeup took up too much time, luckily the hair was not a big mess so I didn't have to fiddle with it. Ended up getting to the place at 2.30pm. Was supposed to go together with the whole family but they were running late too, so I ended up going alone first. Got gowned up and everything, and then managed to find 2 other friends for pictures.

The ceremony itself felt a lot shorter than I expected! Didn't end up falling asleep so all was good. LOL when I went up on stage, when they call your name, you're meant to doff the hat. I tried to do it and couldn't find the top of the hat and was literally grasping thin air hahahahaha. All this on huge screens above the stage >< In the end I just gave up hahahahaha.

Anyway, my mum actually bought flowers for me, for the first time ever. AND THEN SOMEONE STOLE THEM. What happened was...flowers and gifts are not allowed to be taken into the hall. I'm not sure what the plan was but everything was left outside on a long table. After the ceremony, when my brother went to retrieve my flowers...it was gone D: The staff offered us a replacement bouquet instead so..we just made do. Ohwell, whoever stole my flowers...I wonder if they went home and realised they took someone else's. Shame on you. ): Actually looking back the photos, there wasn't even a proper photo of the bouquet my mum got for me ): Apparently she picked the flowers out herself ): Sigh.

The queue for professional photos was supersuper long after the ceremony so in the end I had no time to find my friends to do a group photo. It was just people everywhere and queues everywhere, it was just crazy. Had to rush to return the gown as well because there was a fine if you returned it late.

Rushed home to change and then had teppanyaki for dinner - it was so good!

Now that I've been through the ceremony, got my papers, taken my pictures, real life has resumed. It's like it never happened and yet it did.

Thank you God for the good weather, for my family especially my mum who have withstood my countless periods of tears, frustration and joy over the past 4 years. It wasn't the easiest journey but I've made it and I couldn't have made it without you. I've met amazing people along the way and had really enjoyable overseas trips that I never thought I would have had (bankok! sg! fiji! bali!).

This is it for now, but who knows, if I study again, there may be another round ;P

It's been a good week! 

Now that the exam is over, life has resumed to the usual, work, home, chill..and pretend to study(oops!)

About the exam..hm..fingers crossed I passed. The passing is very uncertain because it isn't based on your overall score but rather the category of questions. So there are a few categories and you have to get various scores in the various categories to pass. So if you fail in one category, you basically fail the whole paper. So yes, fingers tightly crossed everything goes fine :X

I was supposed to go get a haircut today so there's enough time for the hair to settle down before graduation but I got a text saying there was a blackout and I have to reschedule...In the end I decided to reschedule for Sunday with a different stylist because I don't want to risk cutting it less than a week before it. Gahhh this timing thing is not working out for me at all..The stylist that people raved about and that I booked with for today doesn't work on Sundays so I just decided to settle with whoever...hopefully it will be alright LOL. It made me start questioning if I really wanted to cut bangs again after the 2-3 years of having hair to flip HAHA. But I need shorter fringe so I can tie my hair properly for work...I don't know...now I have until Sunday to change my mind.

The weather has been CRAP this week. It started on Sunday (what a day) where apparently a cold front was hitting combined with the moisture in the air = rain ..said the weather forecast. So we have been stuck with gloomy gloomy skies ):

OH, my power button died on Sunday too (seriously, what a day...). I was saying I guess it's time to get a new phone. After all, I can't get any updates anymore because my phone model is "too old". I can't even download the new banking app because it isn't supported on my current iOS which..cannot be updated any further. But phone plans or phones are not as cheap anymore..it's at least $15 more per month I have to pay :/ Carefully considering what I should do...

Ciao!

This shall be a really quick one. 

Recently, it's all been just work work work work work (haha got the joke?)

Haha, it seems like every post begins with 'it's been a while'.

I guess it's way different from how in the past something interesting happened every so often and I could blog about it..back to the sec/high school days. Maybe because now things are not very interesting anymore? I mean, it's now pretty much work, home, study, chill. It's just hard to actively find something to blog about because I literally..don't do anything interesting on my days off, and if anything interesting happens at work, it's not exactly the most ethical thing to share or complain about.

Anyway, I just signed up for the first written exam which is in May..on a Sunday, bright and early - starts at 9am but have to be there at 8.15am. So for now till then, it's cram cram cram. May is going to be a super busy month it seems. I have 2 assignments due on the 2nd, graduation ceremony on the 24th, exam in between that, seminar at the end of May. It seems like I'll never get any peace LOL. I better study like crazy so I pass the exam on the first round, if not it's almost $600 down the drain D:

I went out to get some documents bound today so it would be easier to flip. It was so dumb of me because it's a 600+ page document and they had to come up with a new version last month and I already printed the previous edition. Had to print the whole thing over again. The first time I printed it, it was halfway through the index when the printer ran out of ink and I had to run out to buy toner. I've spent so much money just on printing the law and buying adhesive tabs and the references itself. This is working out to be a lot more expensive than anticipated...

Thankfully the one thing that has been good so far is the weather. We're heading toward winter soon but it's still 25 degrees with blue skies and sunny days. What not to be thankful for?

It seems I only blog on my off-days now..

It was my friend's birthday today..yesterday(it's past midnight now) so I decided to go surprise her. Bought a card and 2 small cakes and turned up at her doorstep randomly. Having a car around makes things possible!

Talking about car, I don't think I have mentioned this at all, but we got a new baby. A mazda3 maxx in deep crystal blue!! Technically it's not my car. It's a family car but at my disposal haha. Loving it very much still. The GPS is really good, it shows which lane you should keep too, what the signboards on the freeways say etc. Audio is fantastic, 3 speakers on the dashboard, perfect for blasting anything and everything. Driving-wise..it's pretty much the same as the next car on the street. The engine is a bit noisy though although they did channel a bit of a sports car sound to it..if that makes sense. I can't decide if choosing deep crystal blue was a mistake or not though. Saw another model in that colour at the dealership and fell in love. It's like a midnight blue-black colour..sometimes it looks black(especially under the shade) but it's blue too. It's..a complicated colour to explain. But my point was, the first time it rained and the car was parked outdoors, my heart broke LOL. Shattered by the millions of raindrops. It was once nice and shiny and beautiful and now it's quite...dirty. And visibly dirty at that, because of the colour of the paint D:

I've also been spending too much money online. It's a love-hate relationship...I'm terrible when shopping online, it's like my money rains down from the heavens or something. Is it normal for working people to calculate how much they're spending in work hours...like something costs XX, that's XX hours of work?!! Because I do it....all the time......CONTROL. Control..

Contacted Apple yesterday too because when I applied online for replacement chargers (for the recall), I only received 1 out of 2 (I applied for those 2 separately), and now the status for both of them are marked as "closed". WHY. Started this online chat thing from their support site, the person asked me how can I help you, I replied, person disappeared-.- only to email me back not long after saying they've recorded the case and and happy to continue helping me when I contact them again. If not for the extra "safe" plus I got from the new mac I might have flipped. How hard can counting and posting according to serial numbers be so hard for an established organisation?!! If I can get a mac delivered to my house so quickly after ordering online, I don't see why it doesn't happen for the chargers. Surely there's a system in place, it can't be that hard to post according to what you receive. What's worse, I can't apply for another one using those serial numbers..because it's just not allowed-.- I honestly can't be bothered dropping in to an apple store because finding parking in that shopping centre is 100% nightmare, especially now where I think there still is some construction going on for more shops/parking.

Sigh. As for the study status. Well today's update on that is Nada. Zilch. Reading the law will do your head in if you're not reading it with a clear and alert mind. Seriously. It's written in such a roundabout way with so many unnecessary words that just makes comprehension even more challenging. Because having to sit down and read the law is not challenging enough. I'm not going to lie, it's interesting when you actually sit down and get into it but the actual task of having to get into it is so unappealing atm. The language used doesn't help increase it's charm either.

It's going to be a long day....




It's been quite a restful pseudo-weekend for me but the weather has been so unrelenting. Yesterday was so hot which meant last night was unbearable. Today it started cooling down and it looks like it could start raining any time soon.

Between watching videos and working on my cross-stitching project, I have managed to do zero study. Oops. I'm starting to think I was too ambitious when I bought that cross-stitching set on eBay..I wanted to do something big but I had no idea it would take me this long. It's been months and I haven't even finished a sixth of the whole thing haha. When I've finished a third of it, I'll post a celebratory picture LOL.

Had an extended chat with a friend about work and it seems she really has it bad. The people you work with really do play a big part in how happy you are at your job. It's quite surprising to see some people be so mean when years before, they had been in the exact same position, going through similar things. Isn't that just human nature..we just forget when we think we're all that. Hopefully things do improve for her though. You really get to know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the food chain in the crazy society. Life has so far gone study study study and now work work work.

Sigh.

I'm on a roll, or so it seems.
It's been a really long day. And it's so hot as well. Summer's almost over and yet today hit a top of 39 degrees I think?!! Like what....

Spent my day running between workplaces, plastering on the smile that I have just for work purposes. It took the longest time for me to get home today too. The jam was just UGH. It was weird that there even was a jam considering it wasn't peak hour and there weren't any accidents on the way at all.

There are those good days, where the smile I have on my face at work isn't an artificial one and I actually know what I'm doing/talking about. I got home around 8 today, had dinner, did the dishes, went straight to do my online discussion thing and then here I am blogging because I can't be bothered to find that 1 reference I can't seem to find. It's always when you're trying to find something then you can't find it. Murphy's law is real y'all. Nothing special is going on my life really, I guess this is what work life is like..LOL I could fall asleep in my chair right now. I must say though..I'm so sick of tuna and crackers for lunch. No joke, I just couldn't down my entire lunch today. Ate half and decided to chuck the rest. Or maybe I'm just fedup with going to that place. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm off to washup and then to bed it is :D

It's clearly not my day today..I should just go home and curl up into a ball.

It's only midday and already so much is not going my way fml.

For starters, I'm back "there" again. Yes, that place 1.5 hours away from home. This morning on the drive here, I got confused with the GPS and made a wrong turn. My ETA predicted would mean I was going to be late so I called in to inform them, only just to make ANOTHER wrong turn. When I finally got the car park and parked, the entrance from the basement to the shops was SEALED because they just painted the ground and it was still wet. So already late as I was I had to search for another entrance. When I got to the place, I was told I was meant to be in the other workplace and I had to bump into the lady boss as well. I pretty much spent my morning running errands between the 2 places -.- . Remind me again why I slogged for 4 years....

Back to the madness.
Ciao

It's back to...THAT place again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.
After chatting with a senior (whose position I took over), the same thing happened to him too. Why send us all the way there to do stocktake or put stock away. If we were replacing someone higher up in position, why are we doing these menial tasks 1.5 hours away from the place we are supposed to be working at? Isn't it a bit of stretch to send us so far away just to put away stock or do stocktake? Like how is that even cost effective?!! The whole hierarchy of the place is just..weird. I don't understand why the manager there orders me around when technically I'm not shop staff. I mean, if you have a shortage of staff because you need someone to put stock away or count your stock then you need to go hire someone else. I didn't study 4 crazy years to put stock away. I wouldn't need a university degree to be able to do that. I don't have to be that smart to know I'm being exploited for cheap labour (although I'm pretty expensive to be putting away stock for hours on hand). I can't believe the manager could walk out smiling when she finished work before me. Like why am I even being rostered there when you don't even need me -.-

I've also found out my pet peeve of all time. I really really hate it when someone tells me to do something, I do it, and then the same person comes up to me and says THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S DONE, DO IT THIS OTHER WAY. And of course they could not have told me that in the first place. Of course not. Because I was supposed to read their minds and do things their way. Like I get there's some procedures or standard you have to follow but seriously, if you're not going to tell me what they are, then don't expect me to know what they are..like why even!?!?!?

A lot of things and people baffle me and piss me off to no end these days. I don't even know why I bother anymore.

Ok, I had to sit down and think really hard what the itinerary was for the last half of the trip and here goes.









Tired is an understatement.

Just had another shitty day.

And I think it's been enough to put me off this profession. I always knew I didn't want to stay but in my mind it was always "come on, only x years to go". Am I happy? Not in the least.
I'm so sick of the facade I have to put on, in front of customers, in front of the other people I work with. Tired of having to smile and pretend I'm feeling great when I'm feeling shit inside. I'm tired of it all. I feel like I've been sucked so dry my mind is like the desert. Empty. Desolate. Lost.

And it's at this point I'm thinking, I'm done with this profession. That's it. On the train ride back today I was seriously considering just quitting right now and just going to study something else or take the year off to think about what I want while working part time. But it also means I've wasted 4 years of my life. But this is the strongest I have felt it yet.

I remember spouting some generic rubbish about wanting to help people in an interview. I don't want to help anyone anymore. I need to help myself first.

The whole day was shitty, right from the start to the end. Usually if I have a shitty day, it's just one thing that makes the whole day suck but today was just terrible.

2 shifts now, I've had to travel 3 hours return journey to another workplace because the boss said the S workplace was understaffed while we were overstaffed. I'm not even paid a single cent to travel there mind you, and not to mention, it has a reputation for being a dodgy area.

I had to juggle between an impatient/rude doctor and an impatient customer. And then the manager had to keep unloading jobs for me to do like take stock according to this list, can you serve this customer, can you go up to the tills, can you check if that man is alright, can you put this stock away, that needs to be double priced, extra stock can't just be stacked behind blah blah you get the gist. In short, my whole day after the stupid phone call was pretty much can you do this/that. And the doctor was just wth. I had to call like 3 times until I was finally able to speak to her only to find out she didn't know what was going on as well. Had to put the doctor on hold because who am I to make any decision and I had to check with my supervisor. And I suspect the doctor wasn't very happy because she put down the phone before I even "finished" per se. Like wth, it's your patient, get your shit right. All this shit. On my first day at this other workplace. WTH? I don't know anything and am doing things super slow because..surprise, it's my first time there?!! Why am I the one expected to run errands and do all the "chores". I even had to close shop today which involves rolling all the display stuff outside the shop or in the doorway of the shop inside. Myself. There were so many it was just wth. Felt like the biggest idiot today, running around like a headless chicken to fend for myself. Didn't help that customers came to ask me where things were when I served them (I had to serve them -.-) and all the disapproving looks I got when I didn't know where anything was. One does not simply learn where everything is in that kind of sized shop in 7.5 hours. NO WAY. Too slow? Well I'm fucking sorry, I've never worked there before.

I do sound like I'm whining huh. Got home, had a good long cry and now let's hope shit doesn't happen again when I go there next friday.




Have 10 minutes of my lunch break left and here I am blogging because..it's been a while.
Life has been crazy..it's like I've lost all freedom whatsoever. Had to cover someone at work yesterday because she was sick..so I lost 1 off day and am having fun coming to work 6 days this week. Ok granted on the weekend I do half day shifts. Getting home everyday with aching feet. Either I'm becoming a granny and also I need to get a new pair of shoes for work. Literally I get home and refuse to get up from any seat lol. Need work clothes too if not the laundry will never get done..

There are so many deliveries today at work that we need to mark off and then put away, but at least it's something to do.

I know I said I was going to post part 2 of the tassie adventures and it's not up yet..I've typed up half of that part 2 and realised it was going to be a lot longer than I initially thought. Ohwell we'll see how that goes..

These days it's just a cycle of work, go home, do some cross stitch, watch my kdrama(empress ki - it's good so far!). Not much of a life really. Sigh.

Having nothing to do is both a blessing yet detriment in disguise. At first, the freedom is great, and then it starts to feel like a lone ranger trudging in the desert. I feel like I need something to accomplish and yet I don't feel like wanting to start doing anything at all. Signs of becoming a bum. I don't miss the crazy studying and the crazy catching up on lectures, but now that I have the time, I have no idea where to start. Now that I've got what I set out to do, why is it that I feel so...empty? Sigh first world problems indeed.

I read this article today on "why we'll always be closest to the people who knew us when we were young and reckless" and I have to say it speaks a lot of truths. Back then, we were really crazy. Of course we still are now but nothing compared to our yesteryears. Back then, we had everything going on in our lives. Everything, except worry about what the future holds. It was fun back then.

Just finished applying to graduate.

Does it feel real?

No, not really.

After all, it was just a tiny online application that I just had to check the details of and make payment for. It has been 4 years. Already. 4 years of increasing madness as it moved toward the exams. I think it was no secret but I was expecting to fail or have a borderline pass for 2 of my subjects. God is good. By His grace, I passed both and did quite alright. I had never walked out of exams feeling the way I did with those 2 papers. It was a mixture of 'shit I failed that' and 'I don't care anymore'. It's been a long way coming. Every obstacle felt like an unwavering fortress. Am I ready for the workforce? Hmm, we'll see.

It was quite funny because the results were accidentally disclosed early. And then by the time I found out, they were disabled again (results are release online) so I had to play the waiting game. I was feeling surprisingly calm when the text was sent out last night, and then after that was just the joy that I didn't fail anything. So I wouldn't have to go crazy again, round 2. I will have more than enough on my plate next year tyvm.

Started watching 'Healer', next drama will probably be empress ki or maybe scholar who walks the night. I have a thing for medical dramas and historical dramas for some reason, but for now, Healer will do. It is getting more exciting at the part where I'm watching though. I'm just not hooked..yet. There are some dramas that you just NEED to keep watching. There are also others that I started and didn't finish, and I don't miss them at all. Haven't found one that has got me hooked for a while now, so will try my luck LOL.

Also, been dabbling in the creative side because I have to find something to do. Took out the brushes again and bought some crayola watercolour paints because..crayola is awesome. HAHA. Wanted to try watercolour modern calligraphy and it's definitely easier when I saw it on youtube..my hands have a mind of their own so we'll see how that turns out. Also tried this watercolour gem thing that's pretty cool and super easy to do, just that it requires a lot of patience. Found the idea on the net so why not just try it right.

Meanwhile, time for me to back into my crevice with my pringles and Healer :P




I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.

So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)

My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.

2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.

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