I'm not one of those "I just graduate, now unemployed"...not YET.

It was a super hectic and chaotic day in short. Everything was over so fast so quickly. I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep so I just woke up and chilled. My gown pickup time was from 2pm so I had the morning to basically do anything I needed to do. The makeup took way longer than I planned because the stupid eyelashes didn't want to stick. I found an ingenious way of sticking on false eyelashes on youtube. Instead of sticking them above your lashes, cut them up into smaller sections and stick them UNDER your real lashes. This way, it looks super natural and you don't even need mascara so no worries about smudging anything. Got super frustrated too because my mum used my gel eyeliner pencil to draw her eyebrows one morning when she was in a rush. It's not the auto kind so you actually have to buy a sharpener. I bought a sharpener in advance only to realise my pencil was too big to fit in the sharpener that I bought-.- Anyway, makeup took up too much time, luckily the hair was not a big mess so I didn't have to fiddle with it. Ended up getting to the place at 2.30pm. Was supposed to go together with the whole family but they were running late too, so I ended up going alone first. Got gowned up and everything, and then managed to find 2 other friends for pictures.

The ceremony itself felt a lot shorter than I expected! Didn't end up falling asleep so all was good. LOL when I went up on stage, when they call your name, you're meant to doff the hat. I tried to do it and couldn't find the top of the hat and was literally grasping thin air hahahahaha. All this on huge screens above the stage >< In the end I just gave up hahahahaha.

Anyway, my mum actually bought flowers for me, for the first time ever. AND THEN SOMEONE STOLE THEM. What happened was...flowers and gifts are not allowed to be taken into the hall. I'm not sure what the plan was but everything was left outside on a long table. After the ceremony, when my brother went to retrieve my flowers...it was gone D: The staff offered us a replacement bouquet instead so..we just made do. Ohwell, whoever stole my flowers...I wonder if they went home and realised they took someone else's. Shame on you. ): Actually looking back the photos, there wasn't even a proper photo of the bouquet my mum got for me ): Apparently she picked the flowers out herself ): Sigh.

The queue for professional photos was supersuper long after the ceremony so in the end I had no time to find my friends to do a group photo. It was just people everywhere and queues everywhere, it was just crazy. Had to rush to return the gown as well because there was a fine if you returned it late.

Rushed home to change and then had teppanyaki for dinner - it was so good!

Now that I've been through the ceremony, got my papers, taken my pictures, real life has resumed. It's like it never happened and yet it did.

Thank you God for the good weather, for my family especially my mum who have withstood my countless periods of tears, frustration and joy over the past 4 years. It wasn't the easiest journey but I've made it and I couldn't have made it without you. I've met amazing people along the way and had really enjoyable overseas trips that I never thought I would have had (bankok! sg! fiji! bali!).

This is it for now, but who knows, if I study again, there may be another round ;P



It's been a good week! 



Now that the exam is over, life has resumed to the usual, work, home, chill..and pretend to study(oops!)

About the exam..hm..fingers crossed I passed. The passing is very uncertain because it isn't based on your overall score but rather the category of questions. So there are a few categories and you have to get various scores in the various categories to pass. So if you fail in one category, you basically fail the whole paper. So yes, fingers tightly crossed everything goes fine :X

I was supposed to go get a haircut today so there's enough time for the hair to settle down before graduation but I got a text saying there was a blackout and I have to reschedule...In the end I decided to reschedule for Sunday with a different stylist because I don't want to risk cutting it less than a week before it. Gahhh this timing thing is not working out for me at all..The stylist that people raved about and that I booked with for today doesn't work on Sundays so I just decided to settle with whoever...hopefully it will be alright LOL. It made me start questioning if I really wanted to cut bangs again after the 2-3 years of having hair to flip HAHA. But I need shorter fringe so I can tie my hair properly for work...I don't know...now I have until Sunday to change my mind.

The weather has been CRAP this week. It started on Sunday (what a day) where apparently a cold front was hitting combined with the moisture in the air = rain ..said the weather forecast. So we have been stuck with gloomy gloomy skies ):

OH, my power button died on Sunday too (seriously, what a day...). I was saying I guess it's time to get a new phone. After all, I can't get any updates anymore because my phone model is "too old". I can't even download the new banking app because it isn't supported on my current iOS which..cannot be updated any further. But phone plans or phones are not as cheap anymore..it's at least $15 more per month I have to pay :/ Carefully considering what I should do...

Ciao!



This shall be a really quick one. 



Recently, it's all been just work work work work work (haha got the joke?)



Haha, it seems like every post begins with 'it's been a while'.

I guess it's way different from how in the past something interesting happened every so often and I could blog about it..back to the sec/high school days. Maybe because now things are not very interesting anymore? I mean, it's now pretty much work, home, study, chill. It's just hard to actively find something to blog about because I literally..don't do anything interesting on my days off, and if anything interesting happens at work, it's not exactly the most ethical thing to share or complain about.

Anyway, I just signed up for the first written exam which is in May..on a Sunday, bright and early - starts at 9am but have to be there at 8.15am. So for now till then, it's cram cram cram. May is going to be a super busy month it seems. I have 2 assignments due on the 2nd, graduation ceremony on the 24th, exam in between that, seminar at the end of May. It seems like I'll never get any peace LOL. I better study like crazy so I pass the exam on the first round, if not it's almost $600 down the drain D:

I went out to get some documents bound today so it would be easier to flip. It was so dumb of me because it's a 600+ page document and they had to come up with a new version last month and I already printed the previous edition. Had to print the whole thing over again. The first time I printed it, it was halfway through the index when the printer ran out of ink and I had to run out to buy toner. I've spent so much money just on printing the law and buying adhesive tabs and the references itself. This is working out to be a lot more expensive than anticipated...

Thankfully the one thing that has been good so far is the weather. We're heading toward winter soon but it's still 25 degrees with blue skies and sunny days. What not to be thankful for?



It seems I only blog on my off-days now..

It was my friend's birthday today..yesterday(it's past midnight now) so I decided to go surprise her. Bought a card and 2 small cakes and turned up at her doorstep randomly. Having a car around makes things possible!

Talking about car, I don't think I have mentioned this at all, but we got a new baby. A mazda3 maxx in deep crystal blue!! Technically it's not my car. It's a family car but at my disposal haha. Loving it very much still. The GPS is really good, it shows which lane you should keep too, what the signboards on the freeways say etc. Audio is fantastic, 3 speakers on the dashboard, perfect for blasting anything and everything. Driving-wise..it's pretty much the same as the next car on the street. The engine is a bit noisy though although they did channel a bit of a sports car sound to it..if that makes sense. I can't decide if choosing deep crystal blue was a mistake or not though. Saw another model in that colour at the dealership and fell in love. It's like a midnight blue-black colour..sometimes it looks black(especially under the shade) but it's blue too. It's..a complicated colour to explain. But my point was, the first time it rained and the car was parked outdoors, my heart broke LOL. Shattered by the millions of raindrops. It was once nice and shiny and beautiful and now it's quite...dirty. And visibly dirty at that, because of the colour of the paint D:

I've also been spending too much money online. It's a love-hate relationship...I'm terrible when shopping online, it's like my money rains down from the heavens or something. Is it normal for working people to calculate how much they're spending in work hours...like something costs XX, that's XX hours of work?!! Because I do it....all the time......CONTROL. Control..

Contacted Apple yesterday too because when I applied online for replacement chargers (for the recall), I only received 1 out of 2 (I applied for those 2 separately), and now the status for both of them are marked as "closed". WHY. Started this online chat thing from their support site, the person asked me how can I help you, I replied, person disappeared-.- only to email me back not long after saying they've recorded the case and and happy to continue helping me when I contact them again. If not for the extra "safe" plus I got from the new mac I might have flipped. How hard can counting and posting according to serial numbers be so hard for an established organisation?!! If I can get a mac delivered to my house so quickly after ordering online, I don't see why it doesn't happen for the chargers. Surely there's a system in place, it can't be that hard to post according to what you receive. What's worse, I can't apply for another one using those serial numbers..because it's just not allowed-.- I honestly can't be bothered dropping in to an apple store because finding parking in that shopping centre is 100% nightmare, especially now where I think there still is some construction going on for more shops/parking.

Sigh. As for the study status. Well today's update on that is Nada. Zilch. Reading the law will do your head in if you're not reading it with a clear and alert mind. Seriously. It's written in such a roundabout way with so many unnecessary words that just makes comprehension even more challenging. Because having to sit down and read the law is not challenging enough. I'm not going to lie, it's interesting when you actually sit down and get into it but the actual task of having to get into it is so unappealing atm. The language used doesn't help increase it's charm either.

It's going to be a long day....






It's been quite a restful pseudo-weekend for me but the weather has been so unrelenting. Yesterday was so hot which meant last night was unbearable. Today it started cooling down and it looks like it could start raining any time soon.

Between watching videos and working on my cross-stitching project, I have managed to do zero study. Oops. I'm starting to think I was too ambitious when I bought that cross-stitching set on eBay..I wanted to do something big but I had no idea it would take me this long. It's been months and I haven't even finished a sixth of the whole thing haha. When I've finished a third of it, I'll post a celebratory picture LOL.

Had an extended chat with a friend about work and it seems she really has it bad. The people you work with really do play a big part in how happy you are at your job. It's quite surprising to see some people be so mean when years before, they had been in the exact same position, going through similar things. Isn't that just human nature..we just forget when we think we're all that. Hopefully things do improve for her though. You really get to know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the food chain in the crazy society. Life has so far gone study study study and now work work work.

Sigh.



I'm on a roll, or so it seems.
It's been a really long day. And it's so hot as well. Summer's almost over and yet today hit a top of 39 degrees I think?!! Like what....

Spent my day running between workplaces, plastering on the smile that I have just for work purposes. It took the longest time for me to get home today too. The jam was just UGH. It was weird that there even was a jam considering it wasn't peak hour and there weren't any accidents on the way at all.

There are those good days, where the smile I have on my face at work isn't an artificial one and I actually know what I'm doing/talking about. I got home around 8 today, had dinner, did the dishes, went straight to do my online discussion thing and then here I am blogging because I can't be bothered to find that 1 reference I can't seem to find. It's always when you're trying to find something then you can't find it. Murphy's law is real y'all. Nothing special is going on my life really, I guess this is what work life is like..LOL I could fall asleep in my chair right now. I must say though..I'm so sick of tuna and crackers for lunch. No joke, I just couldn't down my entire lunch today. Ate half and decided to chuck the rest. Or maybe I'm just fedup with going to that place. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm off to washup and then to bed it is :D



It's clearly not my day today..I should just go home and curl up into a ball.

It's only midday and already so much is not going my way fml.

For starters, I'm back "there" again. Yes, that place 1.5 hours away from home. This morning on the drive here, I got confused with the GPS and made a wrong turn. My ETA predicted would mean I was going to be late so I called in to inform them, only just to make ANOTHER wrong turn. When I finally got the car park and parked, the entrance from the basement to the shops was SEALED because they just painted the ground and it was still wet. So already late as I was I had to search for another entrance. When I got to the place, I was told I was meant to be in the other workplace and I had to bump into the lady boss as well. I pretty much spent my morning running errands between the 2 places -.- . Remind me again why I slogged for 4 years....

Back to the madness.
Ciao



It's back to...THAT place again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.
After chatting with a senior (whose position I took over), the same thing happened to him too. Why send us all the way there to do stocktake or put stock away. If we were replacing someone higher up in position, why are we doing these menial tasks 1.5 hours away from the place we are supposed to be working at? Isn't it a bit of stretch to send us so far away just to put away stock or do stocktake? Like how is that even cost effective?!! The whole hierarchy of the place is just..weird. I don't understand why the manager there orders me around when technically I'm not shop staff. I mean, if you have a shortage of staff because you need someone to put stock away or count your stock then you need to go hire someone else. I didn't study 4 crazy years to put stock away. I wouldn't need a university degree to be able to do that. I don't have to be that smart to know I'm being exploited for cheap labour (although I'm pretty expensive to be putting away stock for hours on hand). I can't believe the manager could walk out smiling when she finished work before me. Like why am I even being rostered there when you don't even need me -.-

I've also found out my pet peeve of all time. I really really hate it when someone tells me to do something, I do it, and then the same person comes up to me and says THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S DONE, DO IT THIS OTHER WAY. And of course they could not have told me that in the first place. Of course not. Because I was supposed to read their minds and do things their way. Like I get there's some procedures or standard you have to follow but seriously, if you're not going to tell me what they are, then don't expect me to know what they are..like why even!?!?!?

A lot of things and people baffle me and piss me off to no end these days. I don't even know why I bother anymore.



Ok, I had to sit down and think really hard what the itinerary was for the last half of the trip and here goes.











Tired is an understatement.

Just had another shitty day.

And I think it's been enough to put me off this profession. I always knew I didn't want to stay but in my mind it was always "come on, only x years to go". Am I happy? Not in the least.
I'm so sick of the facade I have to put on, in front of customers, in front of the other people I work with. Tired of having to smile and pretend I'm feeling great when I'm feeling shit inside. I'm tired of it all. I feel like I've been sucked so dry my mind is like the desert. Empty. Desolate. Lost.

And it's at this point I'm thinking, I'm done with this profession. That's it. On the train ride back today I was seriously considering just quitting right now and just going to study something else or take the year off to think about what I want while working part time. But it also means I've wasted 4 years of my life. But this is the strongest I have felt it yet.

I remember spouting some generic rubbish about wanting to help people in an interview. I don't want to help anyone anymore. I need to help myself first.

The whole day was shitty, right from the start to the end. Usually if I have a shitty day, it's just one thing that makes the whole day suck but today was just terrible.

2 shifts now, I've had to travel 3 hours return journey to another workplace because the boss said the S workplace was understaffed while we were overstaffed. I'm not even paid a single cent to travel there mind you, and not to mention, it has a reputation for being a dodgy area.

I had to juggle between an impatient/rude doctor and an impatient customer. And then the manager had to keep unloading jobs for me to do like take stock according to this list, can you serve this customer, can you go up to the tills, can you check if that man is alright, can you put this stock away, that needs to be double priced, extra stock can't just be stacked behind blah blah you get the gist. In short, my whole day after the stupid phone call was pretty much can you do this/that. And the doctor was just wth. I had to call like 3 times until I was finally able to speak to her only to find out she didn't know what was going on as well. Had to put the doctor on hold because who am I to make any decision and I had to check with my supervisor. And I suspect the doctor wasn't very happy because she put down the phone before I even "finished" per se. Like wth, it's your patient, get your shit right. All this shit. On my first day at this other workplace. WTH? I don't know anything and am doing things super slow because..surprise, it's my first time there?!! Why am I the one expected to run errands and do all the "chores". I even had to close shop today which involves rolling all the display stuff outside the shop or in the doorway of the shop inside. Myself. There were so many it was just wth. Felt like the biggest idiot today, running around like a headless chicken to fend for myself. Didn't help that customers came to ask me where things were when I served them (I had to serve them -.-) and all the disapproving looks I got when I didn't know where anything was. One does not simply learn where everything is in that kind of sized shop in 7.5 hours. NO WAY. Too slow? Well I'm fucking sorry, I've never worked there before.

I do sound like I'm whining huh. Got home, had a good long cry and now let's hope shit doesn't happen again when I go there next friday.






Have 10 minutes of my lunch break left and here I am blogging because..it's been a while.
Life has been crazy..it's like I've lost all freedom whatsoever. Had to cover someone at work yesterday because she was sick..so I lost 1 off day and am having fun coming to work 6 days this week. Ok granted on the weekend I do half day shifts. Getting home everyday with aching feet. Either I'm becoming a granny and also I need to get a new pair of shoes for work. Literally I get home and refuse to get up from any seat lol. Need work clothes too if not the laundry will never get done..

There are so many deliveries today at work that we need to mark off and then put away, but at least it's something to do.

I know I said I was going to post part 2 of the tassie adventures and it's not up yet..I've typed up half of that part 2 and realised it was going to be a lot longer than I initially thought. Ohwell we'll see how that goes..

These days it's just a cycle of work, go home, do some cross stitch, watch my kdrama(empress ki - it's good so far!). Not much of a life really. Sigh.



Having nothing to do is both a blessing yet detriment in disguise. At first, the freedom is great, and then it starts to feel like a lone ranger trudging in the desert. I feel like I need something to accomplish and yet I don't feel like wanting to start doing anything at all. Signs of becoming a bum. I don't miss the crazy studying and the crazy catching up on lectures, but now that I have the time, I have no idea where to start. Now that I've got what I set out to do, why is it that I feel so...empty? Sigh first world problems indeed.

I read this article today on "why we'll always be closest to the people who knew us when we were young and reckless" and I have to say it speaks a lot of truths. Back then, we were really crazy. Of course we still are now but nothing compared to our yesteryears. Back then, we had everything going on in our lives. Everything, except worry about what the future holds. It was fun back then.



Just finished applying to graduate.

Does it feel real?

No, not really.

After all, it was just a tiny online application that I just had to check the details of and make payment for. It has been 4 years. Already. 4 years of increasing madness as it moved toward the exams. I think it was no secret but I was expecting to fail or have a borderline pass for 2 of my subjects. God is good. By His grace, I passed both and did quite alright. I had never walked out of exams feeling the way I did with those 2 papers. It was a mixture of 'shit I failed that' and 'I don't care anymore'. It's been a long way coming. Every obstacle felt like an unwavering fortress. Am I ready for the workforce? Hmm, we'll see.

It was quite funny because the results were accidentally disclosed early. And then by the time I found out, they were disabled again (results are release online) so I had to play the waiting game. I was feeling surprisingly calm when the text was sent out last night, and then after that was just the joy that I didn't fail anything. So I wouldn't have to go crazy again, round 2. I will have more than enough on my plate next year tyvm.

Started watching 'Healer', next drama will probably be empress ki or maybe scholar who walks the night. I have a thing for medical dramas and historical dramas for some reason, but for now, Healer will do. It is getting more exciting at the part where I'm watching though. I'm just not hooked..yet. There are some dramas that you just NEED to keep watching. There are also others that I started and didn't finish, and I don't miss them at all. Haven't found one that has got me hooked for a while now, so will try my luck LOL.

Also, been dabbling in the creative side because I have to find something to do. Took out the brushes again and bought some crayola watercolour paints because..crayola is awesome. HAHA. Wanted to try watercolour modern calligraphy and it's definitely easier when I saw it on youtube..my hands have a mind of their own so we'll see how that turns out. Also tried this watercolour gem thing that's pretty cool and super easy to do, just that it requires a lot of patience. Found the idea on the net so why not just try it right.

Meanwhile, time for me to back into my crevice with my pringles and Healer :P








I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.



So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)



My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.



2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.



Productivity zero today.
No sense of urgency that's why. I was going to do some study for my last exam yesterday and this morning but nothing has happened until now and it's already so late now. At 5 I finally forced myself to sit at the table and study. 5.30, decided I couldn't do it anymore, went for a run. Had dinner, attempted to do some work again and one tiny bit got done. Feeling so unmotivated when I should be on top of my game right now. Everything else is so much more interesting and alluring.

Maybe it's because today's a public holiday so it feels somewhat like a weekend that I have been deprived of for more than a year now. Which really reminds me of how much I miss having my weekends back. It's different waking up to an empty house as compared to a full one.

Sigh. Okok back to work. Hopefully.



One down, 3 to go, and it's only going to go downhill from here.

Paper today was alright. I should pass, but whether or not I do well is a separate issue. After posting last night about not giving an eff about the exam, I actually slept pretty well last night. Didn't have any trouble falling asleep last night and actually slept in for an extra half hour because I literally didn't want to care anymore. But before that I was prepared to not have a good night at all so it was a nice surprise.

Was googling about how to sleep before exams, maybe some meds might help (oh the irony). So many options..just relax and go to sleep (does not happen very often), the occasional stress is actually good for you and improves brain function, do not try pills because you will be affected the next day and will get addicted, try valerian, melatonin works, avoid technology just before you sleep etc. and the list goes on. I think what worked/happened last night was that before deciding I wanted to go to sleep, I just put everything down, assured myself that I can finish everything up tomorrow morning and simply chilled and did nothing for 10-15 minutes before I slept. No reading, no using of the laptop or phone. A bit of packing for the exam and it worked..this one time. We'll see if it still works next week when I have 2 of the hardest exams on consecutive days.

Meanwhile, I should have done some studying for the last paper but argh, I can't. My brain is constantly switching itself off once I open the folder and see my notes. It's like an automatic switch off now but the day before exam, it will the thing that keeps me awake, knowing I haven't remembered or grasped every single concept or detail.

I keep telling myself doing well now doesn't mean that life will be smooth sailing in the future. Of course it is a bonus but you can be successful without doing well in school. I read an article about this. May decide to blog again another time about this when I have more time on my hands. But yea, I keep telling myself doing well isn't the only important thing but I can't help myself. Like I really want to finish uni on a good note. I've never got 2 HD's for 1 semester before and I'm hoping it may happen this time round. I think it's unlikely though, I walk into every exam saying pass is good enough for me when deep down I know I want better than that sigh. Expectations expectations.



First exam tomorrow morning and my brain is positively fried.
It's reached the point where I am saying I don't give an eff anymore but I won't be able to sleep later.
I feel like I know everything very vaguely but whether or not that "vaguely" will warrant a pass is a different story. As usual, definitely waking up early tomorrow to revise last minute but now, my brain is gone. Actively trying to remember stuff but I can't even sit still and read through the stuff it's driving me crazy. I'm at a loss. Should I just get up even earlier than I already planned and just go sleep now? Or should I stay up for a bit more and then wake up a bit later tomorrow. I must say I kinda deserve this panicking tonight because I wasted one day procrastinating when I could have started studying for this exam so that's my fault. But after that day, I seriously was rushing through everything like a madwoman. Hopefully I will known enough by the time I walk in. Sigh.

Goodnight. Happy studying.



The things that happen..seriously.
Woke up this morning, realised there was no electricity, thought the power tripped, and turns out they were replacing the power poles without informing us. WHAT. And it's no power until 3pm. And on a day where I do need internet. In the end I had to pack up my stuff and head to the library to use the power and internet. -.- Still at the library now..going to leave at 3. It's so noisy here right now with all the kids supposedly "studying for exams" and clearly the study is not getting done. On the bright side, since I was here pretty early, I had a short period of peace without the noisy school kids and the kids program (singing songs and stuff).  Managed to finish 4 lectures which is pretty good considering my low productivity yesterday. Aiming to finish 6 more when I get back home. WITH INTERNET. AND POWER. Of all days, it had to happen today. They even blocked off all the roads in the area. I was going to finish 1 more lecture but then I couldn't download the notes and print them because lack of internet. Plus, the library printing fees are no joke. Hence, I'm stuck with about half an hour with nothing better to do and thus this post. I seriously have no idea how I'm going to start studying for exams..there's so much to get through. Sigh.
Alright I shall start packing and leave nowwww.



"할 일은 더럽게 많은데
하고 싶은 건 하나도 없어"

Perfectly describes my procrastination valleys amidst the rare peaks of motivation. 

GAH. I have exams in a week. Was "determined" to finish up 4 lectures over the weekend and it didn't happen..as usual. As of today, I've only really managed to finish ONE. And half the day is already gone. Considering I almost fell asleep listening to that one lecture, clearly today has not been very productive and it may not be looking up for the rest of the day either. Sigh, this week is going to go by so fast before I know it and I'll be crapping my pants the night before each exam in addition to insomnia. Motivation always hits rock bottom just before exams and then it gets to the point of oh crap I really need to study and by then, you just barge your way through all the information and not remember or retain very much of it all. 

To be honest, I just can't wait to go on holiday. I'll be going to Tasmania for a week with a friend the week right after exams and then off to Bali for a week in January. Can't wait to go. And travel. And enjoy life. And spend money (oops). Haven't even started earning and here I am blasting money. But hey, it's been a tough semester. Not even semester. The whole year has been difficult, I have no idea how I've made it through till now. This year while studying, I really hit the depths of hopelessness before tests and exams because it was just so full on, it's mind boggling. 

Also, finally settled my friend's birthday present (the Her Fashion Box subscription thingo). Finally had the time so I called them up, only to be sent to their voicemail. Decided that it couldn't wait anymore so I sent them a message on Facebook and also an offline message on their website. Finally managed to get a reply and also got a copy of the gift certificate so my friend can access her gift. LOL, moral of the story? Please contact Herfashionbox through Facebook or by the offline messaging system they have(after you log in). It's likely you'll get a quicker reply...from experience. Oh whatever, as long as I've got my reply and my friend has got the "gift", I've done my part. 

Alright, so now it's back to work for me and..enjoy the rest of the day for you! :P



At the start of the week I said this was going to be a crazy week, the craziest we've ever had it.
And finally it's all over. Last test, last assignment, last lecture.

Just spent close to 10 hours staring at tons of articles and statistics trying to come up with evidence to support what I had to write for the assignment. The word limit is really short too so while they want detail and justification for writing what you did, the word limit just doesn't allow for it. Had to cut down what I wrote by half. Hopefully it still makes some sense. It was due at 5 and at 3 I started panicking because I hadn't even started on the first part of the assignment but thankfully I got it done with legit 10 minutes till it was due. I've never started/completed an assignment this close to the due date before but you know circumstances..I'm just happy I managed to get it done because honestly before this morning, I hadn't even started on it while people were already submitting. Oh whatever, I'm so over it now.

Finally submitted this last assignment for the 4 years. Finally finished lectures for the last 4 years. Finally done the last test in the 4 years. Done with a Bachelor's.

I don't know..I think it hasn't hit me that I'm done. Done with all this. Done with the studying that has happened for the past..15 years. Nothing much is feeling real these days. Lecture, tests, assignments. It's like my brain has stopped working. This past year has been packed full with everything imaginable. The first half of the year killed us with having a million placements and then a mountain of lectures AND pre-recorded lectures. The second half of the year killed us because we had our last placement and then the job hunting started and then now we have to settle the ton of paperwork before we can start amongst the multitude of tests and assignments and catching up on lectures we skipped to catch up on the other stuff. It's been a vicious cycle after cycle. By God's grace I've made it this far. Who knows what will happen going forward. What I do know, is that I'm thankful for the people I've met and the things I've learnt.
It's not goodbye just yet with exams on the way.
Where has the 4 years gone?



Today has been such an eventful day, my heart is literally still racing from the adrenaline.

Anyway, starting from the top, I had a test this morning which didn't go super well..it will be good if I can pass....saw a lot of questions and went ASDKJDANF@ because I remembered reading it somewhere but I just couldn't recall the detail that the question required -.- Tbh, for this test I really took the heck care route. Not that I didn't study. I wrote notes, read them. But didn't absorb them. That's where the problem lies.

Moving on to more exciting interesting heart-pounding stuff, Bigbang finished their one and only show in melbourne, and concluded their tour in australia tonight. How was it? It was awesomely mind-blowing, like there is nothing like it. I've been to only 1 other concert a long time ago (2008) for fahrenheit and Bigbang is on a whole new level. The quality and their energy just radiates and they really feed off the crowd's energy. Melbourne, you were an amazing audience tonight and if like we promised 태양 , I hope we will still generate the same energy the next time they tour here again. Whether or not the money was worth it, it was 200% worth it. Initially they only had 1 sydney show and I was legit prepared to book flight tickets to syndey just for that one show. Would I go again? OF COURSE. Zero regrets whatsoever...even if I did crap for the test. Was so sweet when the crowd started chanting daesung's name. The people were crazy over GD and T.O.P..and also nyongtory. The live band was also really really good. Honourable mention about the cameras, super high quality so we can enjoy gushing over our 빅뱅 오빠들 in glorious HD. I don't know how my VIP heart survived. It was entertaining from start to end, and never a dull moment. In fact, time passed so quickly, it was surprising when they announced that they only had 1 song left. Ohyea, their fan service is awesome too. T.O.P with his wink and smirk and "you like" and his finger heart, seungri with his getting high himself (HAHA), GD with his sit on the edge of the stage really close to GA standing, tae yang and daesung with having fun with the audience and finger hearts. ARGH I KEHNUT. Had so much love from daesung in this concert ♥ - that was totally me the whole concert. May I just say, they sound terrific live and even better than the recordings (plus jumping and dancing around). Forget about MR removed, they can sing. And boy do they sing freaking well. I melted.
Ohhh Daesung was so funny, he had his fringe covering his eyes in the first talking break they had and he was like I can't see you guys tonight because of my hair so I want to hear you guys alright!! *Screams* Do you want to see my eyes? *Screams some more* Camera zooms in and he show us his eyes..super big HAHAHHA watch the big bang episode on Happy Together and you'll get what I mean. After the show, people were waiting around to wait for them to exit. Didn't manage to catch them leaving but I saw a whole ton of people waving ): We didn't have the same send-off event that some places in the US had so no chance of selfies..it was literally a whole ton of people looking down into a car park, hoping to catch them for the last time before they leave. Apparently GD was in Crown yesterday/earlier today and they ate lunch at oriental spoon HAHA. I understand why they want Korean food though. While my friends were saying they should go get a steak or something, I sort of get where they're coming from. They've been the touring the US, probably have not been back in Korea for a while, will continue touring within the next few weeks = no korean food. When you get the opportunity, why not right?!

Anyway, for the concert setlist, I think it was pretty much the same as the Sydney one. I DO NOT RMB THE ORDER GAH.
It was..
BANG BANG BANG
Tonight (English rap) - GD PLAYS THE ELECTRIC GUITAR LIKE A BOSS (it even had a green laser pointer on the end)
Stupid Liar
Haru Haru (acoustic)
Then the middle I don't rmb (Blue, If You, Bad Boy, Loser, Crooked, We Like 2 Party)
In terms of solo/duets we had Strong Baby, Doom DaDa, Wings, Crooked, Zutter, Good Boy, Eyes Nose Lips
Sober (plus daesung on drums)
Fantastic Baby
Encore: BANG BANG BANG, BAE BAE, We Like 2 Party

I had so much fun and really truly enjoyed myself. It was an excellent show and I really hope they come back again. I bought the ticket as a 21st birthday present to myself. I went alone and it was totally fine. (Actually I wanted to go alone so I can fangirl like crazy myself and not look...crazy) Did not regret going alone and anyone who's thinking of going but the price of tickets is putting you off, I say go for it. First concert I attended alone and it was AWESOME..even with a possible sore throat on the way for all that screaming. But, it was worth it. During the encore, someone even threw the national flag on the stage and Seungri took it and carried it off haha.
That's all the sneak peeks folks.
Goodnight ♥



If it's not obvious enough, yes I turn 21 today. 



Quick one again because I really feel like I need to vent.
Every year is seriously getting worse than the year before. This semester alone, each coming week has been worse than the last.
I have test on monday, group assignment due on monday, test on wednesday, concert on wednesday night, last day of uni(ever) on thursday, assignment (with research) due on friday.
Expecting little to no sleep at all this week fml.
So much for I'm-going-to-start-studying-early. I did start..but it wasn't specifically for these tests..
It's so ironic that I'm going mad and mentally pulling my hair out while I'm staring at my notes for psychoses. Yoohoo, I'm going to be the one starting to hear voices very soon -.- Mental overload and sleep deprivation, wait till you see me at the end of this week. So much for ending uni with a bang. I feel like I'm drowning..or already drowned. I really wanted to attend band today but now I'm really glad I didn't. If not, I wouldn't be here now and will be in my corner crying my heart out because I know I won't even finish studying for both of the tests. I don't even know how I will manage to finish the assignment by friday 5pm and still attend the last day of uni. So much motivation to  attend classes for the last time huh. And the group assignment..sigh, I've finished my part, and some of the others haven't really finished..and there's one person with unsatisfactory answers wtf. One does not simply give 4 short causes if the question asks for minimum of 4. One is expected to ELABORATE and do some RESEARCH. And it's not like it's the only question that they did that has a ridiculously short answer. Anyway..my group is not even finished yet. Some of the referencing is not done, some answers are all over the place, I have no idea how we're going to finish it by Monday 9am AND finish studying for that test. It's just an MCQ test but D: . Such a great way to celebrate turning 21. Gah my week. To top these, I still have got no reply regarding my friend's gift (inefficient company ahem) and to give them the benefit of doubt, maybe there might be something wrong with my friend's email but seriously, where is the correspondence?! If the gift subscription could be refunded, I would have cancelled the order when my friend hadn't received the email for a whole WEEK when apparently it was supposed to be "mailed out" by post literally, in 1-2 working days. Stress levels have blown past the roof. I better move to my table now instead of studying on my bed, if not I really won't fall asleep tonight due to poor sleep hygiene. Don't want to be a live zombie at work tmr...
KBYE.



It's one of those days I thought I should just sit down and be reflective. Actually I've been having a lot of these days and that's why I end up blogging instead of studying oops.

Over the past few months, I've just been scrambling over opportunities I thought was best for me and then feeling so disappointed because nothing worked out. All the while I thought I could find a better opportunity and wasn't 100% happy with what I already had, and yesterday it finally hit me that I haven't been thankful for what I already have, and instead I was looking over the fence at opportunities other people were getting without realising I was standing in a green pasture myself. All I had to do was ask and it was given. I cannot be more thankful for this person who gave the chance first and has continued to give me opportunities. I was talking with a friend yesterday and she still hasn't secured a position this late in the year when most people have already got theirs and it was then that I really felt blessed for what I did have and finally understood why so much stuff happened 1-2 years back when I first started hunting around. I have been put in a place that I'm comfortable with by His grace and I shall stop looking back and around because I can safely say that I am happy. Anyone having a hard time, He has a plan for you. Throwback to 1-2 years ago, I was struggling to find a job. I didn't know anything, I had no job experience, no one wanted to employ me. I'm not sure if I posted about this before but for an extended amount of time, I was working about 3 hours a week for free at this place that said they would hire me but it never came to fruition until I was about to leave. Nevertheless, I was taken advantage of at that place and was genuinely not happy. I hated that I was doing it for free and yet I was learning nothing. I dreaded turning up for 3 hours every week and had to pretend to be confident and happy when inside I was tearing myself apart. The people were nice but I just felt so out of place, so dumb and yet I stuck with it for at least a whole semester. I was doing this without my parents knowledge and at the time I was really questioning why I was doing what I was doing. Again and again they gave me false hope and so I finally quit after I managed to secure a position elsewhere. It was a tough ride because on one hand my parents were not happy with me saying I didn't even bother looking for a job and on the other hand I was doing crap work (tills and cleaning) for free. But at the end of this, I got my experience, took it and left and am much happier where I am now.  I won't compare standards but I am so much happier where I am now and I don't dread turning up each week(although I do miss sleeping in on the weekends). Back then, would I have known this? Never. Things do work out, and He does have a plan for you.



Amazingly managed to stay awake till 2 last night catching up with lectures. Sadly, it's not happening tonight. Connection issues are not helping and I think it's just a sign that I should go sleep soon.

It's been a busy day. Had work in the morning, went for band late because I was caught up with transferring photos from the previous laptop and washing dishes. -.- Got home, went for a run for half an hour, came back and spent at least 2 hours transferring and organising more photos. I never knew there were so many photos on the laptop until I had to start transferring them so my brother can restore the old laptop to factory settings because it's running super slow. Gahh, first I buy my own laptop so he doesn't have to use a crap one, and now I even have to clear all the photos for him so he can reset it. It's not like he's even doing any work. I was honestly getting quite pissed because I spent so many hours trying to clear photos, and then I had to help with dinner and wash stupid pots and pans which made me late for band in the first place. AND, it's not like I would be chilling anyway, I have work to do, things to catch up on, tests to study for and assignments that are due. Why do I even bother..

Did a mental check of my deadlines and what I have to do and gahhh still have so much to do in so little time. I'm not at the super stressed stage yet but wait till you see me next weekend. Will be totally ready to bite heads off of whoever dares disturb me. The year has ended way too quickly, and yet I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

What am I even saying...sleepy mind = incoherent, delirious ranting.
Gdnight.



I feel like crap just happened.



Struggling to get my studying pace back.

Was doing very well and staying super motivated and had everything planned out at the end of last week and then once it lapsed on to this week, everything died down again. Have spent the whole week since monday just trying to get done with 1 mere lecture that I kept putting off and could not get on with any other work.

Instead of studying like I should be, I ended up watching Ponyo and Princess Mononoke. To be honest, I watched them out of interest for the music composed by Joe Hisaishi which was so beautiful. The animations were great but no comment about the storyline. I thought they were pretty alright, but princess mononoke did have a more engaging story I feel. Trying to refrain from starting a drama because then I'll end up spending whole days just doing a drama marathon. Knowing myself, it's better to not start than stop myself later on.

Spring is finally here! The sun's out again after a chilly day yesterday. Really want to go out and have fun but..I've got my work to do ): Although I must say..I think I really am developing hay fever which I never had when we first came here. Not a good thing to have because it renders you in tears and a runny nose that flows like a tap.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Back to work!!!!!



Suddenly had an urge to blog for some reason, even though I haven't been up to much.

Midsem break just ended and it's back to school life for the last 3 weeks before exams D:

I had a pretty chill holiday this time round and started going crazy toward the end because I was too chill at the start and got no work done-.- Seriously, holidays are meant for us to relax but instead we are catching up with lectures, starting assignments. So there I was, trying to finish catching up with lectures, attempting to start on assignments and attempted to try starting to study for exams...which did not happen. The only thing that did happen was some catching up with lectures. And...that's how I spent my midsem break.

OH, I finally decided to rip my pocket out to get my own laptop, a macbook pro retina. It's pretty fast, the screen resolution is sooooo good, I'm in love HAHAHAHA. Like the deluded apple fan that I am. It's a lot lighter than the pro and the shape is a bit flatter but overall..I better take good care of it LOL. I just got a tiffany blue keyboard cover that was delivered today which is really pretty too :DD Was trying to look for a vinyl skin for the exterior so it doesn't get scratches but nothing on eBay has really caught my eye and the ones elsewhere are like $30 for 1 sheet of sticker which is not including shipping cost either. -.-

Uni and life isn't giving anyone a break either, everything is just piling on. Study, work, eat, finish assignment.

On a side note, the weather has been AMAZING, super hot but finally not freezing anymore. Beautiful blue skies and hot hot sun. Michelle dropped by in melbourne for 2 days so I brought her to brighton beach to take pictures of the insta-worthy boathouse thingo's. So hot but it was fun haha.

Sarah noted I like to take pictures of the sky a lot and I realised I really do. Like there's something about the sky that I really love. The colour, the vastness, the inability of it to be captured fully in a painting or a photograph. I think the colours are the best part plus the clouds. No two sunsets are the same. I've attempted to paint the sky multiple times and I can never get the right colours or even the right...depiction of the sky. Ok, maybe because I'm not an artist/art-student and lack the artistic skill to do so but the colours you see in the sky and the different patterns are just something that is so difficult to recreate.

Alright, enough of me ranting about random happenings. Go be productive everyone! (:



또 시작이야

Again, it hits, disturbing the waters, starting the havoc among those on board. It is indeed the calm before a storm.

Yes, I don't understand why things can't be worked out. I don't understand why this has to happen again. If it happens, it isn't just about you anymore, it's about us.

Once again I'm blanking out. I thought it was over. I thought wrong.

I'm tired. Good night.



Quick one before I pass out in class tomorrow.

I finally completed this group assignment. Spend my entire Sunday evening/night until now, deleting irrelevant information because we have a word limit to keep to) and fixing up sentences that didn't make the least sense, that this other girl did. We were supposed to share the workload but yea, I don't think it really happened. Sharing workload doesn't equal me spending 2 days and staying up till 1am for the past 2 nights trying to work things out. Not that she didn't do work but the quality was hmm not the best.

Ok, enough ranting if not I'll really fall asleep in class tmr which I cannot afford D:



The morning is only half gone and already it has been crap.

Today has not started well at all.
This morning, I jerked awake panicking that my alarm hadn't rung and it was already so bright outside. So, headed off to school like usual. When I was getting off the train, I think I dropped my myki card somewhere. Being peak hour and having a test that I couldn't be late for, the chances of me not missing the tram to go back and look for my card amongst a streaming crowd was so low, I thought forget it, I'll just tell the people at the gantry that my card dropped somewhere. In the end, lucky me, even though I said I dropped my card and it's not that they didn't believe me, but I was "caught" without a valid myki and had to pay a fine. Couldn't risk missing the tram so I just paid the fine on the spot and rocketed off. And then came the test. It was a practical, so we were supposed to mix a cream. Some ingenious person put a bottle of the WRONG cream at the weighing machines, and being in a very frenzied hurry, I didn't even realise it was the wrong cream and I just used it. Only halfway through, I realised the cream that other people had was a totally different texture and realised I had used the wrong cream. Had to clean up and start out again and measure everything and start from scratch while everyone else was finishing off. The only good thing that happened was that I managed to finish in time. Everything bad that can happen is happening all in this short period of time. Nothing could get more wrong. Not in school, not at work/future work, not at home. Nothing is going right. NOTHING.

I'm just so tired of all this shit. But yet it's still my own crap that I have to take care off. So I lost $10 for my myki, and I lost another lump sum because of the fine. Haphazardly finished the practical that I will be graded on for the actual "method" and final product. So mad at myself and the whole crap situation.





I'm almost deaf.

It's silent on all fronts. Pity the weather is finally so nice.

My mind is blank and the blankness is like a growing tornado, tearing away my everything.

What should I do now? It's confronting and stupid and yet destructive in its path.

It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. Like this is all a lie. A mean joke.



Everything that I have ever known is falling down to the ground. 



Back again.

Didn't have a great day.

After spending a whole morning with people who did get the positions, I'm just honestly so tired.
I look at some of these people and results wise, I could probably beat them, yet they got it and I didn't. Where did I go wrong? Did I really mess up my interviews that badly? Do I look too young and unreliable for the job? Do I look incompetent? What is it exactly?

Today for the first time, the tears finally came, together with the rain.

I have a test tomorrow and am barely ready, yet my mind can't focus on what I have to do and learn.

The sense of being lost is so real right now, where do I go from here? What can I do from here?

All along, I studied my life away, sleeping 4 hours the night before exams, writing up all the notes and summaries even when on holiday, just hoping that my grades stand out because my personality doesn't. And it didn't work. Maybe all I'm good at is studying. Why have I studied so hard all this while when it has come to nothing. What have I studied for? Who have I studied for? Why have I studied this?

All these unanswered questions hurling around in my mind, occupying my brain like the stupid tumours we are learning about now; sucking up my concentration, my normal functioning brain. Why...?

Just to add on to this mess, I had a test today too, one that you can't really study for. It was hard. I had to find problems in a case and it was worth 10 marks but no way could I spot even 5 problems.

What is wrong with me? I told myself not to have high hopes but now it feels like everything has come crashing down, yet again. Plans for the future? What plans? I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I want to talk to someone and yet I don't. I want to be with someone but yet I want to be alone.

What have I done wrong? Why has He closed this door for me? What does He have planned for me now? Have I come onto the wrong path? Did I really just choose this path because I couldn't make it on to another one? What should I do now? What does He want me to do now?

난 몰라 진짜 몰라

They say the future is yours to create. What future can I speak of?

At times like these, it's so hard to give thanks for what has happened. I said 2 days ago that we should praise the Lord whatever the situation. But I'm so lost right now..



Maybe it was self denial after all. Not that I feel super disappointed, but now I feel very lost and distracted.

I have a test tomorrow, a test on thursday, group assignment due monday morning, test next tuesday and another group assignment due the monday after. And on top of all of that I have to start reviewing my resume again and start deciding where I want to apply, if I am applying elsewhere. Stress is an understatement. But yet, I feel no kick. At first after the news yesterday I was determined to show them what they are missing out on and that I'm better than they think. But that translated haphazardly into my studying for the tests etc. In terms of studying, I'm behind schedule by at least 6 hours according to my planning and clearly there's not much time to waste but here I am blogging because I can't get my mind to focus and just remember and learn things. Time and time again, it has come down to overload of information and just overall stress about not being able to focus or remembering anything. Every time there's a test or an assignment I just feel like I can't stand all of this crap anymore. After what happened yesterday and thinking through a few options, I'm strongly querying my future in this profession because clearly I don't have a strong starting base in it at all. Maybe I should study something else? But after crashing through exam after exam, test after test in a zombie-like state, I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I'm just so tired. Studying isn't for me, work isn't for me, then what is?!! How many times have I been reduced to a dejected bundle the day/night before a test/exam. How many more times to I have to go through all of this.

Someone asked me if I would prefer to go back to high school again and I wasn't sure. But maybe now I can say yes. I didn't have to worry about anything else other than studying. The studying wasn't even the hard part to begin with. I didn't have to work part time, I didn't have to worry about finding a job in the future, didn't have to think about how to impress at an interview. With a million things on my mind now, how am I supposed to concentrate?! Human nature is a weird thing. The more you are supposed to do something, the more unlikely you are to wield to it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how procrastination happens.
ciao



I'm not sure if I have actually posted about this before and I really can't be bothered to check.
Well, throughout the past few weeks, something has been sitting in the deep dark corner at the back of my mind, that is applications for internship in a certain setting. We were supposed to know the outcome on wednesday but it seems that they were very efficient and most people got an email today and so here goes.

I didn't get it.

My first thought was OH. The disappointment didn't really hit and even now it hasn't hit yet. Instead, it's sort of a relief that I can stop thinking about it and I actually can start planning in a sense, about what I can start doing and start working out my options.

To be honest, I told myself to not have too high hopes because I know my personality doesn't glow, I don't exactly stand out from the crowd. I had two interviews, both I left feeling alright. Not great, but alright. It was only after I got home that I felt that I really bombed through both of the interviews and was really kicking myself for not saying this or for saying something stupid.

I made a promise with myself and with God. If it was His will that I would get it, then I would get it. If it wasn't, then move on. More than disappointment, it was just relief finding out. I won't say that I let myself down because I know I didn't. During the interviews, I tried my best and I was myself. For the first 2 official interviews I have had in my life, I think I didn't fail terribly even though I didn't get it. It's not self-denial, it's moving on. It was something I wanted to try despite knowing my chances, and finding out I didn't make the cut, it's good enough for now knowing that I at least tried.

After going through a whirlwind of events, I think the moral of the story is praise the Lord. Something goes well? Praise the Lord! If something doesn't work out, praise the Lord even more, for He will have better plans for you. If He cares for the sparrows outside, what more will He care for you?

Take Care! (:

I'm not one of those "I just graduate, now unemployed"...not YET.

It was a super hectic and chaotic day in short. Everything was over so fast so quickly. I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep so I just woke up and chilled. My gown pickup time was from 2pm so I had the morning to basically do anything I needed to do. The makeup took way longer than I planned because the stupid eyelashes didn't want to stick. I found an ingenious way of sticking on false eyelashes on youtube. Instead of sticking them above your lashes, cut them up into smaller sections and stick them UNDER your real lashes. This way, it looks super natural and you don't even need mascara so no worries about smudging anything. Got super frustrated too because my mum used my gel eyeliner pencil to draw her eyebrows one morning when she was in a rush. It's not the auto kind so you actually have to buy a sharpener. I bought a sharpener in advance only to realise my pencil was too big to fit in the sharpener that I bought-.- Anyway, makeup took up too much time, luckily the hair was not a big mess so I didn't have to fiddle with it. Ended up getting to the place at 2.30pm. Was supposed to go together with the whole family but they were running late too, so I ended up going alone first. Got gowned up and everything, and then managed to find 2 other friends for pictures.

The ceremony itself felt a lot shorter than I expected! Didn't end up falling asleep so all was good. LOL when I went up on stage, when they call your name, you're meant to doff the hat. I tried to do it and couldn't find the top of the hat and was literally grasping thin air hahahahaha. All this on huge screens above the stage >< In the end I just gave up hahahahaha.

Anyway, my mum actually bought flowers for me, for the first time ever. AND THEN SOMEONE STOLE THEM. What happened was...flowers and gifts are not allowed to be taken into the hall. I'm not sure what the plan was but everything was left outside on a long table. After the ceremony, when my brother went to retrieve my flowers...it was gone D: The staff offered us a replacement bouquet instead so..we just made do. Ohwell, whoever stole my flowers...I wonder if they went home and realised they took someone else's. Shame on you. ): Actually looking back the photos, there wasn't even a proper photo of the bouquet my mum got for me ): Apparently she picked the flowers out herself ): Sigh.

The queue for professional photos was supersuper long after the ceremony so in the end I had no time to find my friends to do a group photo. It was just people everywhere and queues everywhere, it was just crazy. Had to rush to return the gown as well because there was a fine if you returned it late.

Rushed home to change and then had teppanyaki for dinner - it was so good!

Now that I've been through the ceremony, got my papers, taken my pictures, real life has resumed. It's like it never happened and yet it did.

Thank you God for the good weather, for my family especially my mum who have withstood my countless periods of tears, frustration and joy over the past 4 years. It wasn't the easiest journey but I've made it and I couldn't have made it without you. I've met amazing people along the way and had really enjoyable overseas trips that I never thought I would have had (bankok! sg! fiji! bali!).

This is it for now, but who knows, if I study again, there may be another round ;P

It's been a good week! 

Now that the exam is over, life has resumed to the usual, work, home, chill..and pretend to study(oops!)

About the exam..hm..fingers crossed I passed. The passing is very uncertain because it isn't based on your overall score but rather the category of questions. So there are a few categories and you have to get various scores in the various categories to pass. So if you fail in one category, you basically fail the whole paper. So yes, fingers tightly crossed everything goes fine :X

I was supposed to go get a haircut today so there's enough time for the hair to settle down before graduation but I got a text saying there was a blackout and I have to reschedule...In the end I decided to reschedule for Sunday with a different stylist because I don't want to risk cutting it less than a week before it. Gahhh this timing thing is not working out for me at all..The stylist that people raved about and that I booked with for today doesn't work on Sundays so I just decided to settle with whoever...hopefully it will be alright LOL. It made me start questioning if I really wanted to cut bangs again after the 2-3 years of having hair to flip HAHA. But I need shorter fringe so I can tie my hair properly for work...I don't know...now I have until Sunday to change my mind.

The weather has been CRAP this week. It started on Sunday (what a day) where apparently a cold front was hitting combined with the moisture in the air = rain ..said the weather forecast. So we have been stuck with gloomy gloomy skies ):

OH, my power button died on Sunday too (seriously, what a day...). I was saying I guess it's time to get a new phone. After all, I can't get any updates anymore because my phone model is "too old". I can't even download the new banking app because it isn't supported on my current iOS which..cannot be updated any further. But phone plans or phones are not as cheap anymore..it's at least $15 more per month I have to pay :/ Carefully considering what I should do...

Ciao!

This shall be a really quick one. 

Recently, it's all been just work work work work work (haha got the joke?)

Haha, it seems like every post begins with 'it's been a while'.

I guess it's way different from how in the past something interesting happened every so often and I could blog about it..back to the sec/high school days. Maybe because now things are not very interesting anymore? I mean, it's now pretty much work, home, study, chill. It's just hard to actively find something to blog about because I literally..don't do anything interesting on my days off, and if anything interesting happens at work, it's not exactly the most ethical thing to share or complain about.

Anyway, I just signed up for the first written exam which is in May..on a Sunday, bright and early - starts at 9am but have to be there at 8.15am. So for now till then, it's cram cram cram. May is going to be a super busy month it seems. I have 2 assignments due on the 2nd, graduation ceremony on the 24th, exam in between that, seminar at the end of May. It seems like I'll never get any peace LOL. I better study like crazy so I pass the exam on the first round, if not it's almost $600 down the drain D:

I went out to get some documents bound today so it would be easier to flip. It was so dumb of me because it's a 600+ page document and they had to come up with a new version last month and I already printed the previous edition. Had to print the whole thing over again. The first time I printed it, it was halfway through the index when the printer ran out of ink and I had to run out to buy toner. I've spent so much money just on printing the law and buying adhesive tabs and the references itself. This is working out to be a lot more expensive than anticipated...

Thankfully the one thing that has been good so far is the weather. We're heading toward winter soon but it's still 25 degrees with blue skies and sunny days. What not to be thankful for?

It seems I only blog on my off-days now..

It was my friend's birthday today..yesterday(it's past midnight now) so I decided to go surprise her. Bought a card and 2 small cakes and turned up at her doorstep randomly. Having a car around makes things possible!

Talking about car, I don't think I have mentioned this at all, but we got a new baby. A mazda3 maxx in deep crystal blue!! Technically it's not my car. It's a family car but at my disposal haha. Loving it very much still. The GPS is really good, it shows which lane you should keep too, what the signboards on the freeways say etc. Audio is fantastic, 3 speakers on the dashboard, perfect for blasting anything and everything. Driving-wise..it's pretty much the same as the next car on the street. The engine is a bit noisy though although they did channel a bit of a sports car sound to it..if that makes sense. I can't decide if choosing deep crystal blue was a mistake or not though. Saw another model in that colour at the dealership and fell in love. It's like a midnight blue-black colour..sometimes it looks black(especially under the shade) but it's blue too. It's..a complicated colour to explain. But my point was, the first time it rained and the car was parked outdoors, my heart broke LOL. Shattered by the millions of raindrops. It was once nice and shiny and beautiful and now it's quite...dirty. And visibly dirty at that, because of the colour of the paint D:

I've also been spending too much money online. It's a love-hate relationship...I'm terrible when shopping online, it's like my money rains down from the heavens or something. Is it normal for working people to calculate how much they're spending in work hours...like something costs XX, that's XX hours of work?!! Because I do it....all the time......CONTROL. Control..

Contacted Apple yesterday too because when I applied online for replacement chargers (for the recall), I only received 1 out of 2 (I applied for those 2 separately), and now the status for both of them are marked as "closed". WHY. Started this online chat thing from their support site, the person asked me how can I help you, I replied, person disappeared-.- only to email me back not long after saying they've recorded the case and and happy to continue helping me when I contact them again. If not for the extra "safe" plus I got from the new mac I might have flipped. How hard can counting and posting according to serial numbers be so hard for an established organisation?!! If I can get a mac delivered to my house so quickly after ordering online, I don't see why it doesn't happen for the chargers. Surely there's a system in place, it can't be that hard to post according to what you receive. What's worse, I can't apply for another one using those serial numbers..because it's just not allowed-.- I honestly can't be bothered dropping in to an apple store because finding parking in that shopping centre is 100% nightmare, especially now where I think there still is some construction going on for more shops/parking.

Sigh. As for the study status. Well today's update on that is Nada. Zilch. Reading the law will do your head in if you're not reading it with a clear and alert mind. Seriously. It's written in such a roundabout way with so many unnecessary words that just makes comprehension even more challenging. Because having to sit down and read the law is not challenging enough. I'm not going to lie, it's interesting when you actually sit down and get into it but the actual task of having to get into it is so unappealing atm. The language used doesn't help increase it's charm either.

It's going to be a long day....




It's been quite a restful pseudo-weekend for me but the weather has been so unrelenting. Yesterday was so hot which meant last night was unbearable. Today it started cooling down and it looks like it could start raining any time soon.

Between watching videos and working on my cross-stitching project, I have managed to do zero study. Oops. I'm starting to think I was too ambitious when I bought that cross-stitching set on eBay..I wanted to do something big but I had no idea it would take me this long. It's been months and I haven't even finished a sixth of the whole thing haha. When I've finished a third of it, I'll post a celebratory picture LOL.

Had an extended chat with a friend about work and it seems she really has it bad. The people you work with really do play a big part in how happy you are at your job. It's quite surprising to see some people be so mean when years before, they had been in the exact same position, going through similar things. Isn't that just human nature..we just forget when we think we're all that. Hopefully things do improve for her though. You really get to know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the food chain in the crazy society. Life has so far gone study study study and now work work work.

Sigh.

I'm on a roll, or so it seems.
It's been a really long day. And it's so hot as well. Summer's almost over and yet today hit a top of 39 degrees I think?!! Like what....

Spent my day running between workplaces, plastering on the smile that I have just for work purposes. It took the longest time for me to get home today too. The jam was just UGH. It was weird that there even was a jam considering it wasn't peak hour and there weren't any accidents on the way at all.

There are those good days, where the smile I have on my face at work isn't an artificial one and I actually know what I'm doing/talking about. I got home around 8 today, had dinner, did the dishes, went straight to do my online discussion thing and then here I am blogging because I can't be bothered to find that 1 reference I can't seem to find. It's always when you're trying to find something then you can't find it. Murphy's law is real y'all. Nothing special is going on my life really, I guess this is what work life is like..LOL I could fall asleep in my chair right now. I must say though..I'm so sick of tuna and crackers for lunch. No joke, I just couldn't down my entire lunch today. Ate half and decided to chuck the rest. Or maybe I'm just fedup with going to that place. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm off to washup and then to bed it is :D

It's clearly not my day today..I should just go home and curl up into a ball.

It's only midday and already so much is not going my way fml.

For starters, I'm back "there" again. Yes, that place 1.5 hours away from home. This morning on the drive here, I got confused with the GPS and made a wrong turn. My ETA predicted would mean I was going to be late so I called in to inform them, only just to make ANOTHER wrong turn. When I finally got the car park and parked, the entrance from the basement to the shops was SEALED because they just painted the ground and it was still wet. So already late as I was I had to search for another entrance. When I got to the place, I was told I was meant to be in the other workplace and I had to bump into the lady boss as well. I pretty much spent my morning running errands between the 2 places -.- . Remind me again why I slogged for 4 years....

Back to the madness.
Ciao

It's back to...THAT place again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it.
After chatting with a senior (whose position I took over), the same thing happened to him too. Why send us all the way there to do stocktake or put stock away. If we were replacing someone higher up in position, why are we doing these menial tasks 1.5 hours away from the place we are supposed to be working at? Isn't it a bit of stretch to send us so far away just to put away stock or do stocktake? Like how is that even cost effective?!! The whole hierarchy of the place is just..weird. I don't understand why the manager there orders me around when technically I'm not shop staff. I mean, if you have a shortage of staff because you need someone to put stock away or count your stock then you need to go hire someone else. I didn't study 4 crazy years to put stock away. I wouldn't need a university degree to be able to do that. I don't have to be that smart to know I'm being exploited for cheap labour (although I'm pretty expensive to be putting away stock for hours on hand). I can't believe the manager could walk out smiling when she finished work before me. Like why am I even being rostered there when you don't even need me -.-

I've also found out my pet peeve of all time. I really really hate it when someone tells me to do something, I do it, and then the same person comes up to me and says THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S DONE, DO IT THIS OTHER WAY. And of course they could not have told me that in the first place. Of course not. Because I was supposed to read their minds and do things their way. Like I get there's some procedures or standard you have to follow but seriously, if you're not going to tell me what they are, then don't expect me to know what they are..like why even!?!?!?

A lot of things and people baffle me and piss me off to no end these days. I don't even know why I bother anymore.

Ok, I had to sit down and think really hard what the itinerary was for the last half of the trip and here goes.









Tired is an understatement.

Just had another shitty day.

And I think it's been enough to put me off this profession. I always knew I didn't want to stay but in my mind it was always "come on, only x years to go". Am I happy? Not in the least.
I'm so sick of the facade I have to put on, in front of customers, in front of the other people I work with. Tired of having to smile and pretend I'm feeling great when I'm feeling shit inside. I'm tired of it all. I feel like I've been sucked so dry my mind is like the desert. Empty. Desolate. Lost.

And it's at this point I'm thinking, I'm done with this profession. That's it. On the train ride back today I was seriously considering just quitting right now and just going to study something else or take the year off to think about what I want while working part time. But it also means I've wasted 4 years of my life. But this is the strongest I have felt it yet.

I remember spouting some generic rubbish about wanting to help people in an interview. I don't want to help anyone anymore. I need to help myself first.

The whole day was shitty, right from the start to the end. Usually if I have a shitty day, it's just one thing that makes the whole day suck but today was just terrible.

2 shifts now, I've had to travel 3 hours return journey to another workplace because the boss said the S workplace was understaffed while we were overstaffed. I'm not even paid a single cent to travel there mind you, and not to mention, it has a reputation for being a dodgy area.

I had to juggle between an impatient/rude doctor and an impatient customer. And then the manager had to keep unloading jobs for me to do like take stock according to this list, can you serve this customer, can you go up to the tills, can you check if that man is alright, can you put this stock away, that needs to be double priced, extra stock can't just be stacked behind blah blah you get the gist. In short, my whole day after the stupid phone call was pretty much can you do this/that. And the doctor was just wth. I had to call like 3 times until I was finally able to speak to her only to find out she didn't know what was going on as well. Had to put the doctor on hold because who am I to make any decision and I had to check with my supervisor. And I suspect the doctor wasn't very happy because she put down the phone before I even "finished" per se. Like wth, it's your patient, get your shit right. All this shit. On my first day at this other workplace. WTH? I don't know anything and am doing things super slow because..surprise, it's my first time there?!! Why am I the one expected to run errands and do all the "chores". I even had to close shop today which involves rolling all the display stuff outside the shop or in the doorway of the shop inside. Myself. There were so many it was just wth. Felt like the biggest idiot today, running around like a headless chicken to fend for myself. Didn't help that customers came to ask me where things were when I served them (I had to serve them -.-) and all the disapproving looks I got when I didn't know where anything was. One does not simply learn where everything is in that kind of sized shop in 7.5 hours. NO WAY. Too slow? Well I'm fucking sorry, I've never worked there before.

I do sound like I'm whining huh. Got home, had a good long cry and now let's hope shit doesn't happen again when I go there next friday.




Have 10 minutes of my lunch break left and here I am blogging because..it's been a while.
Life has been crazy..it's like I've lost all freedom whatsoever. Had to cover someone at work yesterday because she was sick..so I lost 1 off day and am having fun coming to work 6 days this week. Ok granted on the weekend I do half day shifts. Getting home everyday with aching feet. Either I'm becoming a granny and also I need to get a new pair of shoes for work. Literally I get home and refuse to get up from any seat lol. Need work clothes too if not the laundry will never get done..

There are so many deliveries today at work that we need to mark off and then put away, but at least it's something to do.

I know I said I was going to post part 2 of the tassie adventures and it's not up yet..I've typed up half of that part 2 and realised it was going to be a lot longer than I initially thought. Ohwell we'll see how that goes..

These days it's just a cycle of work, go home, do some cross stitch, watch my kdrama(empress ki - it's good so far!). Not much of a life really. Sigh.

Having nothing to do is both a blessing yet detriment in disguise. At first, the freedom is great, and then it starts to feel like a lone ranger trudging in the desert. I feel like I need something to accomplish and yet I don't feel like wanting to start doing anything at all. Signs of becoming a bum. I don't miss the crazy studying and the crazy catching up on lectures, but now that I have the time, I have no idea where to start. Now that I've got what I set out to do, why is it that I feel so...empty? Sigh first world problems indeed.

I read this article today on "why we'll always be closest to the people who knew us when we were young and reckless" and I have to say it speaks a lot of truths. Back then, we were really crazy. Of course we still are now but nothing compared to our yesteryears. Back then, we had everything going on in our lives. Everything, except worry about what the future holds. It was fun back then.

Just finished applying to graduate.

Does it feel real?

No, not really.

After all, it was just a tiny online application that I just had to check the details of and make payment for. It has been 4 years. Already. 4 years of increasing madness as it moved toward the exams. I think it was no secret but I was expecting to fail or have a borderline pass for 2 of my subjects. God is good. By His grace, I passed both and did quite alright. I had never walked out of exams feeling the way I did with those 2 papers. It was a mixture of 'shit I failed that' and 'I don't care anymore'. It's been a long way coming. Every obstacle felt like an unwavering fortress. Am I ready for the workforce? Hmm, we'll see.

It was quite funny because the results were accidentally disclosed early. And then by the time I found out, they were disabled again (results are release online) so I had to play the waiting game. I was feeling surprisingly calm when the text was sent out last night, and then after that was just the joy that I didn't fail anything. So I wouldn't have to go crazy again, round 2. I will have more than enough on my plate next year tyvm.

Started watching 'Healer', next drama will probably be empress ki or maybe scholar who walks the night. I have a thing for medical dramas and historical dramas for some reason, but for now, Healer will do. It is getting more exciting at the part where I'm watching though. I'm just not hooked..yet. There are some dramas that you just NEED to keep watching. There are also others that I started and didn't finish, and I don't miss them at all. Haven't found one that has got me hooked for a while now, so will try my luck LOL.

Also, been dabbling in the creative side because I have to find something to do. Took out the brushes again and bought some crayola watercolour paints because..crayola is awesome. HAHA. Wanted to try watercolour modern calligraphy and it's definitely easier when I saw it on youtube..my hands have a mind of their own so we'll see how that turns out. Also tried this watercolour gem thing that's pretty cool and super easy to do, just that it requires a lot of patience. Found the idea on the net so why not just try it right.

Meanwhile, time for me to back into my crevice with my pringles and Healer :P




I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.

So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)

My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.

2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.

Productivity zero today.
No sense of urgency that's why. I was going to do some study for my last exam yesterday and this morning but nothing has happened until now and it's already so late now. At 5 I finally forced myself to sit at the table and study. 5.30, decided I couldn't do it anymore, went for a run. Had dinner, attempted to do some work again and one tiny bit got done. Feeling so unmotivated when I should be on top of my game right now. Everything else is so much more interesting and alluring.

Maybe it's because today's a public holiday so it feels somewhat like a weekend that I have been deprived of for more than a year now. Which really reminds me of how much I miss having my weekends back. It's different waking up to an empty house as compared to a full one.

Sigh. Okok back to work. Hopefully.

One down, 3 to go, and it's only going to go downhill from here.

Paper today was alright. I should pass, but whether or not I do well is a separate issue. After posting last night about not giving an eff about the exam, I actually slept pretty well last night. Didn't have any trouble falling asleep last night and actually slept in for an extra half hour because I literally didn't want to care anymore. But before that I was prepared to not have a good night at all so it was a nice surprise.

Was googling about how to sleep before exams, maybe some meds might help (oh the irony). So many options..just relax and go to sleep (does not happen very often), the occasional stress is actually good for you and improves brain function, do not try pills because you will be affected the next day and will get addicted, try valerian, melatonin works, avoid technology just before you sleep etc. and the list goes on. I think what worked/happened last night was that before deciding I wanted to go to sleep, I just put everything down, assured myself that I can finish everything up tomorrow morning and simply chilled and did nothing for 10-15 minutes before I slept. No reading, no using of the laptop or phone. A bit of packing for the exam and it worked..this one time. We'll see if it still works next week when I have 2 of the hardest exams on consecutive days.

Meanwhile, I should have done some studying for the last paper but argh, I can't. My brain is constantly switching itself off once I open the folder and see my notes. It's like an automatic switch off now but the day before exam, it will the thing that keeps me awake, knowing I haven't remembered or grasped every single concept or detail.

I keep telling myself doing well now doesn't mean that life will be smooth sailing in the future. Of course it is a bonus but you can be successful without doing well in school. I read an article about this. May decide to blog again another time about this when I have more time on my hands. But yea, I keep telling myself doing well isn't the only important thing but I can't help myself. Like I really want to finish uni on a good note. I've never got 2 HD's for 1 semester before and I'm hoping it may happen this time round. I think it's unlikely though, I walk into every exam saying pass is good enough for me when deep down I know I want better than that sigh. Expectations expectations.

First exam tomorrow morning and my brain is positively fried.
It's reached the point where I am saying I don't give an eff anymore but I won't be able to sleep later.
I feel like I know everything very vaguely but whether or not that "vaguely" will warrant a pass is a different story. As usual, definitely waking up early tomorrow to revise last minute but now, my brain is gone. Actively trying to remember stuff but I can't even sit still and read through the stuff it's driving me crazy. I'm at a loss. Should I just get up even earlier than I already planned and just go sleep now? Or should I stay up for a bit more and then wake up a bit later tomorrow. I must say I kinda deserve this panicking tonight because I wasted one day procrastinating when I could have started studying for this exam so that's my fault. But after that day, I seriously was rushing through everything like a madwoman. Hopefully I will known enough by the time I walk in. Sigh.

Goodnight. Happy studying.

The things that happen..seriously.
Woke up this morning, realised there was no electricity, thought the power tripped, and turns out they were replacing the power poles without informing us. WHAT. And it's no power until 3pm. And on a day where I do need internet. In the end I had to pack up my stuff and head to the library to use the power and internet. -.- Still at the library now..going to leave at 3. It's so noisy here right now with all the kids supposedly "studying for exams" and clearly the study is not getting done. On the bright side, since I was here pretty early, I had a short period of peace without the noisy school kids and the kids program (singing songs and stuff).  Managed to finish 4 lectures which is pretty good considering my low productivity yesterday. Aiming to finish 6 more when I get back home. WITH INTERNET. AND POWER. Of all days, it had to happen today. They even blocked off all the roads in the area. I was going to finish 1 more lecture but then I couldn't download the notes and print them because lack of internet. Plus, the library printing fees are no joke. Hence, I'm stuck with about half an hour with nothing better to do and thus this post. I seriously have no idea how I'm going to start studying for exams..there's so much to get through. Sigh.
Alright I shall start packing and leave nowwww.

"할 일은 더럽게 많은데
하고 싶은 건 하나도 없어"

Perfectly describes my procrastination valleys amidst the rare peaks of motivation. 

GAH. I have exams in a week. Was "determined" to finish up 4 lectures over the weekend and it didn't happen..as usual. As of today, I've only really managed to finish ONE. And half the day is already gone. Considering I almost fell asleep listening to that one lecture, clearly today has not been very productive and it may not be looking up for the rest of the day either. Sigh, this week is going to go by so fast before I know it and I'll be crapping my pants the night before each exam in addition to insomnia. Motivation always hits rock bottom just before exams and then it gets to the point of oh crap I really need to study and by then, you just barge your way through all the information and not remember or retain very much of it all. 

To be honest, I just can't wait to go on holiday. I'll be going to Tasmania for a week with a friend the week right after exams and then off to Bali for a week in January. Can't wait to go. And travel. And enjoy life. And spend money (oops). Haven't even started earning and here I am blasting money. But hey, it's been a tough semester. Not even semester. The whole year has been difficult, I have no idea how I've made it through till now. This year while studying, I really hit the depths of hopelessness before tests and exams because it was just so full on, it's mind boggling. 

Also, finally settled my friend's birthday present (the Her Fashion Box subscription thingo). Finally had the time so I called them up, only to be sent to their voicemail. Decided that it couldn't wait anymore so I sent them a message on Facebook and also an offline message on their website. Finally managed to get a reply and also got a copy of the gift certificate so my friend can access her gift. LOL, moral of the story? Please contact Herfashionbox through Facebook or by the offline messaging system they have(after you log in). It's likely you'll get a quicker reply...from experience. Oh whatever, as long as I've got my reply and my friend has got the "gift", I've done my part. 

Alright, so now it's back to work for me and..enjoy the rest of the day for you! :P

At the start of the week I said this was going to be a crazy week, the craziest we've ever had it.
And finally it's all over. Last test, last assignment, last lecture.

Just spent close to 10 hours staring at tons of articles and statistics trying to come up with evidence to support what I had to write for the assignment. The word limit is really short too so while they want detail and justification for writing what you did, the word limit just doesn't allow for it. Had to cut down what I wrote by half. Hopefully it still makes some sense. It was due at 5 and at 3 I started panicking because I hadn't even started on the first part of the assignment but thankfully I got it done with legit 10 minutes till it was due. I've never started/completed an assignment this close to the due date before but you know circumstances..I'm just happy I managed to get it done because honestly before this morning, I hadn't even started on it while people were already submitting. Oh whatever, I'm so over it now.

Finally submitted this last assignment for the 4 years. Finally finished lectures for the last 4 years. Finally done the last test in the 4 years. Done with a Bachelor's.

I don't know..I think it hasn't hit me that I'm done. Done with all this. Done with the studying that has happened for the past..15 years. Nothing much is feeling real these days. Lecture, tests, assignments. It's like my brain has stopped working. This past year has been packed full with everything imaginable. The first half of the year killed us with having a million placements and then a mountain of lectures AND pre-recorded lectures. The second half of the year killed us because we had our last placement and then the job hunting started and then now we have to settle the ton of paperwork before we can start amongst the multitude of tests and assignments and catching up on lectures we skipped to catch up on the other stuff. It's been a vicious cycle after cycle. By God's grace I've made it this far. Who knows what will happen going forward. What I do know, is that I'm thankful for the people I've met and the things I've learnt.
It's not goodbye just yet with exams on the way.
Where has the 4 years gone?

Today has been such an eventful day, my heart is literally still racing from the adrenaline.

Anyway, starting from the top, I had a test this morning which didn't go super well..it will be good if I can pass....saw a lot of questions and went ASDKJDANF@ because I remembered reading it somewhere but I just couldn't recall the detail that the question required -.- Tbh, for this test I really took the heck care route. Not that I didn't study. I wrote notes, read them. But didn't absorb them. That's where the problem lies.

Moving on to more exciting interesting heart-pounding stuff, Bigbang finished their one and only show in melbourne, and concluded their tour in australia tonight. How was it? It was awesomely mind-blowing, like there is nothing like it. I've been to only 1 other concert a long time ago (2008) for fahrenheit and Bigbang is on a whole new level. The quality and their energy just radiates and they really feed off the crowd's energy. Melbourne, you were an amazing audience tonight and if like we promised 태양 , I hope we will still generate the same energy the next time they tour here again. Whether or not the money was worth it, it was 200% worth it. Initially they only had 1 sydney show and I was legit prepared to book flight tickets to syndey just for that one show. Would I go again? OF COURSE. Zero regrets whatsoever...even if I did crap for the test. Was so sweet when the crowd started chanting daesung's name. The people were crazy over GD and T.O.P..and also nyongtory. The live band was also really really good. Honourable mention about the cameras, super high quality so we can enjoy gushing over our 빅뱅 오빠들 in glorious HD. I don't know how my VIP heart survived. It was entertaining from start to end, and never a dull moment. In fact, time passed so quickly, it was surprising when they announced that they only had 1 song left. Ohyea, their fan service is awesome too. T.O.P with his wink and smirk and "you like" and his finger heart, seungri with his getting high himself (HAHA), GD with his sit on the edge of the stage really close to GA standing, tae yang and daesung with having fun with the audience and finger hearts. ARGH I KEHNUT. Had so much love from daesung in this concert ♥ - that was totally me the whole concert. May I just say, they sound terrific live and even better than the recordings (plus jumping and dancing around). Forget about MR removed, they can sing. And boy do they sing freaking well. I melted.
Ohhh Daesung was so funny, he had his fringe covering his eyes in the first talking break they had and he was like I can't see you guys tonight because of my hair so I want to hear you guys alright!! *Screams* Do you want to see my eyes? *Screams some more* Camera zooms in and he show us his eyes..super big HAHAHHA watch the big bang episode on Happy Together and you'll get what I mean. After the show, people were waiting around to wait for them to exit. Didn't manage to catch them leaving but I saw a whole ton of people waving ): We didn't have the same send-off event that some places in the US had so no chance of selfies..it was literally a whole ton of people looking down into a car park, hoping to catch them for the last time before they leave. Apparently GD was in Crown yesterday/earlier today and they ate lunch at oriental spoon HAHA. I understand why they want Korean food though. While my friends were saying they should go get a steak or something, I sort of get where they're coming from. They've been the touring the US, probably have not been back in Korea for a while, will continue touring within the next few weeks = no korean food. When you get the opportunity, why not right?!

Anyway, for the concert setlist, I think it was pretty much the same as the Sydney one. I DO NOT RMB THE ORDER GAH.
It was..
BANG BANG BANG
Tonight (English rap) - GD PLAYS THE ELECTRIC GUITAR LIKE A BOSS (it even had a green laser pointer on the end)
Stupid Liar
Haru Haru (acoustic)
Then the middle I don't rmb (Blue, If You, Bad Boy, Loser, Crooked, We Like 2 Party)
In terms of solo/duets we had Strong Baby, Doom DaDa, Wings, Crooked, Zutter, Good Boy, Eyes Nose Lips
Sober (plus daesung on drums)
Fantastic Baby
Encore: BANG BANG BANG, BAE BAE, We Like 2 Party

I had so much fun and really truly enjoyed myself. It was an excellent show and I really hope they come back again. I bought the ticket as a 21st birthday present to myself. I went alone and it was totally fine. (Actually I wanted to go alone so I can fangirl like crazy myself and not look...crazy) Did not regret going alone and anyone who's thinking of going but the price of tickets is putting you off, I say go for it. First concert I attended alone and it was AWESOME..even with a possible sore throat on the way for all that screaming. But, it was worth it. During the encore, someone even threw the national flag on the stage and Seungri took it and carried it off haha.
That's all the sneak peeks folks.
Goodnight ♥

If it's not obvious enough, yes I turn 21 today. 

Quick one again because I really feel like I need to vent.
Every year is seriously getting worse than the year before. This semester alone, each coming week has been worse than the last.
I have test on monday, group assignment due on monday, test on wednesday, concert on wednesday night, last day of uni(ever) on thursday, assignment (with research) due on friday.
Expecting little to no sleep at all this week fml.
So much for I'm-going-to-start-studying-early. I did start..but it wasn't specifically for these tests..
It's so ironic that I'm going mad and mentally pulling my hair out while I'm staring at my notes for psychoses. Yoohoo, I'm going to be the one starting to hear voices very soon -.- Mental overload and sleep deprivation, wait till you see me at the end of this week. So much for ending uni with a bang. I feel like I'm drowning..or already drowned. I really wanted to attend band today but now I'm really glad I didn't. If not, I wouldn't be here now and will be in my corner crying my heart out because I know I won't even finish studying for both of the tests. I don't even know how I will manage to finish the assignment by friday 5pm and still attend the last day of uni. So much motivation to  attend classes for the last time huh. And the group assignment..sigh, I've finished my part, and some of the others haven't really finished..and there's one person with unsatisfactory answers wtf. One does not simply give 4 short causes if the question asks for minimum of 4. One is expected to ELABORATE and do some RESEARCH. And it's not like it's the only question that they did that has a ridiculously short answer. Anyway..my group is not even finished yet. Some of the referencing is not done, some answers are all over the place, I have no idea how we're going to finish it by Monday 9am AND finish studying for that test. It's just an MCQ test but D: . Such a great way to celebrate turning 21. Gah my week. To top these, I still have got no reply regarding my friend's gift (inefficient company ahem) and to give them the benefit of doubt, maybe there might be something wrong with my friend's email but seriously, where is the correspondence?! If the gift subscription could be refunded, I would have cancelled the order when my friend hadn't received the email for a whole WEEK when apparently it was supposed to be "mailed out" by post literally, in 1-2 working days. Stress levels have blown past the roof. I better move to my table now instead of studying on my bed, if not I really won't fall asleep tonight due to poor sleep hygiene. Don't want to be a live zombie at work tmr...
KBYE.

It's one of those days I thought I should just sit down and be reflective. Actually I've been having a lot of these days and that's why I end up blogging instead of studying oops.

Over the past few months, I've just been scrambling over opportunities I thought was best for me and then feeling so disappointed because nothing worked out. All the while I thought I could find a better opportunity and wasn't 100% happy with what I already had, and yesterday it finally hit me that I haven't been thankful for what I already have, and instead I was looking over the fence at opportunities other people were getting without realising I was standing in a green pasture myself. All I had to do was ask and it was given. I cannot be more thankful for this person who gave the chance first and has continued to give me opportunities. I was talking with a friend yesterday and she still hasn't secured a position this late in the year when most people have already got theirs and it was then that I really felt blessed for what I did have and finally understood why so much stuff happened 1-2 years back when I first started hunting around. I have been put in a place that I'm comfortable with by His grace and I shall stop looking back and around because I can safely say that I am happy. Anyone having a hard time, He has a plan for you. Throwback to 1-2 years ago, I was struggling to find a job. I didn't know anything, I had no job experience, no one wanted to employ me. I'm not sure if I posted about this before but for an extended amount of time, I was working about 3 hours a week for free at this place that said they would hire me but it never came to fruition until I was about to leave. Nevertheless, I was taken advantage of at that place and was genuinely not happy. I hated that I was doing it for free and yet I was learning nothing. I dreaded turning up for 3 hours every week and had to pretend to be confident and happy when inside I was tearing myself apart. The people were nice but I just felt so out of place, so dumb and yet I stuck with it for at least a whole semester. I was doing this without my parents knowledge and at the time I was really questioning why I was doing what I was doing. Again and again they gave me false hope and so I finally quit after I managed to secure a position elsewhere. It was a tough ride because on one hand my parents were not happy with me saying I didn't even bother looking for a job and on the other hand I was doing crap work (tills and cleaning) for free. But at the end of this, I got my experience, took it and left and am much happier where I am now.  I won't compare standards but I am so much happier where I am now and I don't dread turning up each week(although I do miss sleeping in on the weekends). Back then, would I have known this? Never. Things do work out, and He does have a plan for you.

Amazingly managed to stay awake till 2 last night catching up with lectures. Sadly, it's not happening tonight. Connection issues are not helping and I think it's just a sign that I should go sleep soon.

It's been a busy day. Had work in the morning, went for band late because I was caught up with transferring photos from the previous laptop and washing dishes. -.- Got home, went for a run for half an hour, came back and spent at least 2 hours transferring and organising more photos. I never knew there were so many photos on the laptop until I had to start transferring them so my brother can restore the old laptop to factory settings because it's running super slow. Gahh, first I buy my own laptop so he doesn't have to use a crap one, and now I even have to clear all the photos for him so he can reset it. It's not like he's even doing any work. I was honestly getting quite pissed because I spent so many hours trying to clear photos, and then I had to help with dinner and wash stupid pots and pans which made me late for band in the first place. AND, it's not like I would be chilling anyway, I have work to do, things to catch up on, tests to study for and assignments that are due. Why do I even bother..

Did a mental check of my deadlines and what I have to do and gahhh still have so much to do in so little time. I'm not at the super stressed stage yet but wait till you see me next weekend. Will be totally ready to bite heads off of whoever dares disturb me. The year has ended way too quickly, and yet I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

What am I even saying...sleepy mind = incoherent, delirious ranting.
Gdnight.

I feel like crap just happened.

Struggling to get my studying pace back.

Was doing very well and staying super motivated and had everything planned out at the end of last week and then once it lapsed on to this week, everything died down again. Have spent the whole week since monday just trying to get done with 1 mere lecture that I kept putting off and could not get on with any other work.

Instead of studying like I should be, I ended up watching Ponyo and Princess Mononoke. To be honest, I watched them out of interest for the music composed by Joe Hisaishi which was so beautiful. The animations were great but no comment about the storyline. I thought they were pretty alright, but princess mononoke did have a more engaging story I feel. Trying to refrain from starting a drama because then I'll end up spending whole days just doing a drama marathon. Knowing myself, it's better to not start than stop myself later on.

Spring is finally here! The sun's out again after a chilly day yesterday. Really want to go out and have fun but..I've got my work to do ): Although I must say..I think I really am developing hay fever which I never had when we first came here. Not a good thing to have because it renders you in tears and a runny nose that flows like a tap.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Back to work!!!!!

Suddenly had an urge to blog for some reason, even though I haven't been up to much.

Midsem break just ended and it's back to school life for the last 3 weeks before exams D:

I had a pretty chill holiday this time round and started going crazy toward the end because I was too chill at the start and got no work done-.- Seriously, holidays are meant for us to relax but instead we are catching up with lectures, starting assignments. So there I was, trying to finish catching up with lectures, attempting to start on assignments and attempted to try starting to study for exams...which did not happen. The only thing that did happen was some catching up with lectures. And...that's how I spent my midsem break.

OH, I finally decided to rip my pocket out to get my own laptop, a macbook pro retina. It's pretty fast, the screen resolution is sooooo good, I'm in love HAHAHAHA. Like the deluded apple fan that I am. It's a lot lighter than the pro and the shape is a bit flatter but overall..I better take good care of it LOL. I just got a tiffany blue keyboard cover that was delivered today which is really pretty too :DD Was trying to look for a vinyl skin for the exterior so it doesn't get scratches but nothing on eBay has really caught my eye and the ones elsewhere are like $30 for 1 sheet of sticker which is not including shipping cost either. -.-

Uni and life isn't giving anyone a break either, everything is just piling on. Study, work, eat, finish assignment.

On a side note, the weather has been AMAZING, super hot but finally not freezing anymore. Beautiful blue skies and hot hot sun. Michelle dropped by in melbourne for 2 days so I brought her to brighton beach to take pictures of the insta-worthy boathouse thingo's. So hot but it was fun haha.

Sarah noted I like to take pictures of the sky a lot and I realised I really do. Like there's something about the sky that I really love. The colour, the vastness, the inability of it to be captured fully in a painting or a photograph. I think the colours are the best part plus the clouds. No two sunsets are the same. I've attempted to paint the sky multiple times and I can never get the right colours or even the right...depiction of the sky. Ok, maybe because I'm not an artist/art-student and lack the artistic skill to do so but the colours you see in the sky and the different patterns are just something that is so difficult to recreate.

Alright, enough of me ranting about random happenings. Go be productive everyone! (:

또 시작이야

Again, it hits, disturbing the waters, starting the havoc among those on board. It is indeed the calm before a storm.

Yes, I don't understand why things can't be worked out. I don't understand why this has to happen again. If it happens, it isn't just about you anymore, it's about us.

Once again I'm blanking out. I thought it was over. I thought wrong.

I'm tired. Good night.

Quick one before I pass out in class tomorrow.

I finally completed this group assignment. Spend my entire Sunday evening/night until now, deleting irrelevant information because we have a word limit to keep to) and fixing up sentences that didn't make the least sense, that this other girl did. We were supposed to share the workload but yea, I don't think it really happened. Sharing workload doesn't equal me spending 2 days and staying up till 1am for the past 2 nights trying to work things out. Not that she didn't do work but the quality was hmm not the best.

Ok, enough ranting if not I'll really fall asleep in class tmr which I cannot afford D:

The morning is only half gone and already it has been crap.

Today has not started well at all.
This morning, I jerked awake panicking that my alarm hadn't rung and it was already so bright outside. So, headed off to school like usual. When I was getting off the train, I think I dropped my myki card somewhere. Being peak hour and having a test that I couldn't be late for, the chances of me not missing the tram to go back and look for my card amongst a streaming crowd was so low, I thought forget it, I'll just tell the people at the gantry that my card dropped somewhere. In the end, lucky me, even though I said I dropped my card and it's not that they didn't believe me, but I was "caught" without a valid myki and had to pay a fine. Couldn't risk missing the tram so I just paid the fine on the spot and rocketed off. And then came the test. It was a practical, so we were supposed to mix a cream. Some ingenious person put a bottle of the WRONG cream at the weighing machines, and being in a very frenzied hurry, I didn't even realise it was the wrong cream and I just used it. Only halfway through, I realised the cream that other people had was a totally different texture and realised I had used the wrong cream. Had to clean up and start out again and measure everything and start from scratch while everyone else was finishing off. The only good thing that happened was that I managed to finish in time. Everything bad that can happen is happening all in this short period of time. Nothing could get more wrong. Not in school, not at work/future work, not at home. Nothing is going right. NOTHING.

I'm just so tired of all this shit. But yet it's still my own crap that I have to take care off. So I lost $10 for my myki, and I lost another lump sum because of the fine. Haphazardly finished the practical that I will be graded on for the actual "method" and final product. So mad at myself and the whole crap situation.



I'm almost deaf.

It's silent on all fronts. Pity the weather is finally so nice.

My mind is blank and the blankness is like a growing tornado, tearing away my everything.

What should I do now? It's confronting and stupid and yet destructive in its path.

It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. Like this is all a lie. A mean joke.

Everything that I have ever known is falling down to the ground. 

Back again.

Didn't have a great day.

After spending a whole morning with people who did get the positions, I'm just honestly so tired.
I look at some of these people and results wise, I could probably beat them, yet they got it and I didn't. Where did I go wrong? Did I really mess up my interviews that badly? Do I look too young and unreliable for the job? Do I look incompetent? What is it exactly?

Today for the first time, the tears finally came, together with the rain.

I have a test tomorrow and am barely ready, yet my mind can't focus on what I have to do and learn.

The sense of being lost is so real right now, where do I go from here? What can I do from here?

All along, I studied my life away, sleeping 4 hours the night before exams, writing up all the notes and summaries even when on holiday, just hoping that my grades stand out because my personality doesn't. And it didn't work. Maybe all I'm good at is studying. Why have I studied so hard all this while when it has come to nothing. What have I studied for? Who have I studied for? Why have I studied this?

All these unanswered questions hurling around in my mind, occupying my brain like the stupid tumours we are learning about now; sucking up my concentration, my normal functioning brain. Why...?

Just to add on to this mess, I had a test today too, one that you can't really study for. It was hard. I had to find problems in a case and it was worth 10 marks but no way could I spot even 5 problems.

What is wrong with me? I told myself not to have high hopes but now it feels like everything has come crashing down, yet again. Plans for the future? What plans? I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I want to talk to someone and yet I don't. I want to be with someone but yet I want to be alone.

What have I done wrong? Why has He closed this door for me? What does He have planned for me now? Have I come onto the wrong path? Did I really just choose this path because I couldn't make it on to another one? What should I do now? What does He want me to do now?

난 몰라 진짜 몰라

They say the future is yours to create. What future can I speak of?

At times like these, it's so hard to give thanks for what has happened. I said 2 days ago that we should praise the Lord whatever the situation. But I'm so lost right now..

Maybe it was self denial after all. Not that I feel super disappointed, but now I feel very lost and distracted.

I have a test tomorrow, a test on thursday, group assignment due monday morning, test next tuesday and another group assignment due the monday after. And on top of all of that I have to start reviewing my resume again and start deciding where I want to apply, if I am applying elsewhere. Stress is an understatement. But yet, I feel no kick. At first after the news yesterday I was determined to show them what they are missing out on and that I'm better than they think. But that translated haphazardly into my studying for the tests etc. In terms of studying, I'm behind schedule by at least 6 hours according to my planning and clearly there's not much time to waste but here I am blogging because I can't get my mind to focus and just remember and learn things. Time and time again, it has come down to overload of information and just overall stress about not being able to focus or remembering anything. Every time there's a test or an assignment I just feel like I can't stand all of this crap anymore. After what happened yesterday and thinking through a few options, I'm strongly querying my future in this profession because clearly I don't have a strong starting base in it at all. Maybe I should study something else? But after crashing through exam after exam, test after test in a zombie-like state, I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I'm just so tired. Studying isn't for me, work isn't for me, then what is?!! How many times have I been reduced to a dejected bundle the day/night before a test/exam. How many more times to I have to go through all of this.

Someone asked me if I would prefer to go back to high school again and I wasn't sure. But maybe now I can say yes. I didn't have to worry about anything else other than studying. The studying wasn't even the hard part to begin with. I didn't have to work part time, I didn't have to worry about finding a job in the future, didn't have to think about how to impress at an interview. With a million things on my mind now, how am I supposed to concentrate?! Human nature is a weird thing. The more you are supposed to do something, the more unlikely you are to wield to it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how procrastination happens.
ciao

I'm not sure if I have actually posted about this before and I really can't be bothered to check.
Well, throughout the past few weeks, something has been sitting in the deep dark corner at the back of my mind, that is applications for internship in a certain setting. We were supposed to know the outcome on wednesday but it seems that they were very efficient and most people got an email today and so here goes.

I didn't get it.

My first thought was OH. The disappointment didn't really hit and even now it hasn't hit yet. Instead, it's sort of a relief that I can stop thinking about it and I actually can start planning in a sense, about what I can start doing and start working out my options.

To be honest, I told myself to not have too high hopes because I know my personality doesn't glow, I don't exactly stand out from the crowd. I had two interviews, both I left feeling alright. Not great, but alright. It was only after I got home that I felt that I really bombed through both of the interviews and was really kicking myself for not saying this or for saying something stupid.

I made a promise with myself and with God. If it was His will that I would get it, then I would get it. If it wasn't, then move on. More than disappointment, it was just relief finding out. I won't say that I let myself down because I know I didn't. During the interviews, I tried my best and I was myself. For the first 2 official interviews I have had in my life, I think I didn't fail terribly even though I didn't get it. It's not self-denial, it's moving on. It was something I wanted to try despite knowing my chances, and finding out I didn't make the cut, it's good enough for now knowing that I at least tried.

After going through a whirlwind of events, I think the moral of the story is praise the Lord. Something goes well? Praise the Lord! If something doesn't work out, praise the Lord even more, for He will have better plans for you. If He cares for the sparrows outside, what more will He care for you?

Take Care! (:

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