Thursday, September 13, 20189:37 PM
I started this post at the start of August and interestingly enough, I still feel exactly the same way about things now. Maybe I am hitting the quarter-life crisis. Not knowing where all this is going, not knowing where I'm going.
Finally have had a breather since my manager got back from his 1-month holiday. Not complaining that he was away for a month he deserves, but more about the way it was handled. I was doing extra hours, extra responsibilities, more work for an entire month. In short, to be crude, I was doing more shit for the same pay. At least I know my manager has enough faith in me to keep the place running smoothly for an extended period of time. But lately I've been feeling very unappreciated and undervalued by the owner/boss of the business for what I have been doing/have done for his business. I discovered some issues with my pay and am honestly very unhappy that this has been going on since I've been registered(close to 2 years now). Did the math and if we go according to legal minimum rates, I should be getting a pretty decent payout. And the most disappointing bit is that my pay isn't even based on what I do, it's the legal base minimum rate plus a dollar or 2 more on top.
Honestly, hand on heart, I owe this place my entire current career, I would be nowhere without them. But right now, I'm not sure if being loyal and complacent is the best option for me now. I filled in for the manager for the month that he was away, completed some of his responsibilities on top of all of mine and "babysitting" and I have never been so stressed in my life. If that's what my career progression looks like then I have to get out. Fast.
I was playing with the idea of quitting before I went on my Europe trip but now I just want out. Travelling was me escaping from all this. Now I don't even have the desire to travel to get out. After all that happened during the month where I had to step up and the pay issues I uncovered just...it's enough. On top of that, I've had to take some work home and do it in my own personal time on occasion.
If I can't be appreciated for the work I do and the value I add to the business then either I'm doing something very wrong, or it's time to quit. I don't care if my pay is going to raised from 1 Jan next year. I don't believe I'm even being paid for my value NOW. Rather, I'm just another worker who needs to be paid the minimum legal wage with some candy on top to make the boss feel like he's being generous. To be fair, my boss is a very nice man, he would buy everyone coffee etc. but I don't think he knows how to be a good boss. Instead of a coffee treat, I prefer my work to be valued and hopefully rewarded equally. There is pretty much zero leadership and zero communication. All the staff aren't told what is going on or what the boss even wants. We're just running in circles everyday like mindless workers. My manager knows how hard I work for this place and right now, why do I even bother? It's not like he knows what I do exactly anyway.
Someone can argue that my pay is pretty good for someone still somewhat fresh out of school but considering it took 5 years of hard study and expensive registration exams to become a PROFESSIONAL, this is shit. I know people have to do overtime, work on the weekends, after-hours etc in the corporate world. But I'm paid by the hour. Not a packaged salary. I don't get any bonuses to speak of, what hours I work are literally what I'm paid for, no more no less. I could go work in retail or in the supermarket without having to study and be paid close to what I'm earning right now.
Just to compound the whole work issue, someone who I thought was a friend turns out to not be one at all. When she needed a favour, I always had her back. The one time I asked for help when I knew she had to capacity to, she "forgot to reply" my text, and in the end, the answer was no she couldn't help anyway. I'm just very disappointed and betrayed to be honest. I thought we were close. I thought I could count on her. Not long ago she took almost a month to reply my text asking if she wanted to catch up. Catch-up did not happen. This time it's been 4 days and counting. You know what, if I'm not important enough for you to even reply a text asking if you're free to meet up, you're not worth my time. And this said friend has been active on facebook and is always on her phone so, I don't think there's really any excuse other than I'm not important enough. It's disappointing, it hurts, but it's time to move on.
I've really gotten so isolated ever since I finished school. Because of work, I stopped going to church, the people I meet related to my work - none of them are my peers. The friend I always hung out with turns out to not really be a friend at all. I don't love my work. I'm just tired thinking about having to deal with people and playing mind games about who's better and doing what's socially acceptable/correct. I'm so tired just having to please everyone all the time. Simply put, it feels like I'm stuck in a rut.
I started reading The Bubz Guide to Being Unstoppable written by Lindy Tsang, or Bubzbeauty, a Youtuber I've been following since I moved Down Under. Started reading again because I just needed some inspiration/motivation to try and get a move on. So far it's been really good, a few interesting revelations and viewpoints that I would not have thought of. Meanwhile, trying to find..a passion. All those years of focussing on studying and then working have killed my personal life entirely. Ever since the move down under, on the surface it seems like I've got everything going for me but in truth, I've lost everything I treasured. It seems like everything I've built has once again fallen apart. It's just not the same. I don't know if it's because I've subconsciously built walls around me or I just can't relate with the culture here. I thought I made friends but it turns out I didn't. I thought I found a stable job but it turns out to be one I don't love.
To be fair, a lot of the unhappiness has had to do with me and my attitude toward all of this. Which is also the reason why I say I'm not ready for a relationship yet. If I'm not happy in who I am, I can't expect/rely on a partner to make me happy. That's how a relationship can break down. A healthy relationship is two independently happy people choosing to walk together. On that same thought, if I'm unhappy, and my partner is happy, I don't want to be dragging down someone else into a relationship that will ultimately end in a lot of resentment because of me. Only I have the power to make myself happy. And that's the journey. Work in progress.
