Sunday, February 25, 20182:52 AM
It's been a long night. Finally got some peace to myself.
Attended my friend's hen's party tonight and I realised how tired I am of spending time with strangers. Gets even more awkward when it comes to money.
If anyone reads this and cares to give me an opinion, please let me know if you think I'm over calculative, I would really like to know so I don't do it again in the future.
Dinner reservation was at 6, I only made it at 6.45 because of work commitments. A dish was pre-ordered for me by a friend and a bowl of rice. Dish $37, Rice $3. I ended up sharing that with another friend and legit had maybe 4-5 pieces of pork belly plus rice. Bill comes, someone splits it and suddenly we're meant to pay $50-60pp. I don't mind paying for the bride's share of things, but she can't have consumed at least $60-90 worth of food on her own. There were 14 people at the table, other people ordered drinks and a couple dishes to share etc. In my point of view, I literally had max 5 little pieces of pork belly and you want me to contribute $50-60..??? And then I got the weird look around the table amongst the people I don't actually know personally for mentioning that fact and for asking who I have to transfer money to. It's not like I had cash so it's not like I could spit up a single cent. It's not that I don't want to pay but first of all, why should I have to pay for your meal and drinks too when I don't even know you...?? There were other people throwing cash on the table that made me look even more like a miser but seriously..was I being too calculative? They probably just took the whole total and split it evenly which is what we would normally do if we actually shared ALL the food. But how can you demand 3 people who had one dish of pork belly to share, 2 bowls of rice and my poor friend had to eat all the leftovers, to pay $50-60pp for food and drinks we didn't even consume...?? We're not high rollers, we earn peanuts but that's beside the point. But was I being too calculative???
Actually honestly, I didn't really want to turn up when I saw the guest list. Usually I would just find some reason to avoid such a gathering but it's a good friend, I turned up for her because it's her night and she would like me to be there too.
And then after dinner and a short detour to dessert, we had a karaoke booking where no one wanted to sing. I mentioned it a couple times that no one was singing(and tried to encourage more participation) and this girl(I don't know her) remarked that she was singing with me - she didn't have the annoyed tone but I feel like maybe I did offend some of the people I didn't know...?
I don't know...this EQ thing is honestly tiring. I have to over-exert EQ at work, I'm pretty much dead the moment I get off work. Or have I just got mild social anxiety...? I don't think I have low self confidence/esteem but this sort of "handling people matters" business is really puzzling to me. And I really second guess everything I say after I go home. Guess who's not sleeping tonight because of all these thoughts....
Who am I kidding, I should just move to the mountains and be a hermit in solitude so I don't have to care about what other people think about what I said/did.
Monday, February 12, 201811:14 PM
Blogging because I've got a lot on my mind. It's been months and months since I've posted but in all honesty, I've stopped sharing because I don't want to be airing my private life for the world to see, and for it to maybe bite me from the back one day.
I wouldn't say I had an epiphany but I have learnt one thing about myself that I never really thought about. I am really capable of shutting people out of my life. I didn't have many from the start and I don't have many now and maybe that's where the problem is. As I've grown older, I've learnt to make small talk, I'm not as awkward with strangers as I used to be 8 years ago. But at the same time, I can't help but feel small talk is so...shallow and pointless? Making acquaintances are easy, making friends is difficult. Maybe it's because I see people I know getting married left and right, I'm looking for something more...solid? Or maybe it's just making me feel very...alone.
A good friend of mine is getting married in 3 weeks and we had a meeting with the bridal party to discuss what needs to be done, what little chores that need to be completed etc., and I had a thought. When I get married, who would I ask to help me with all these little things? I have amazing friends who I don't deserve. But yet at the same time, they're either thousands of miles away or their schedule is just too busy to put time aside for me. Who would I ask then? Although, the way things are going, I might not even get married at all and this would all just be a hypothetical mess. 😂
On the work front, dealing with people on the level that I have to, just isn't me. I can't stand being yelled at or blamed for things beyond my control. On the retail level, you have to be "customer first" and professional and all, but at the same time, they can be so demanding and dealing with all this day after day is honestly just exhausting for me. I get home not wanting to talk to a single soul or even get out of bed. The outside world thinks it's a great profession, from the insider here, this profession's going down. We don't get paid enough for the level of work we do and what other professional remuneration does this match? A cashier at the supermarket? A retail salesperson? I can't see myself doing this for another 10 years. For my own sanity. And to be able to support myself financially. Looking at moving to part time work and doing some locum-ing on the side since it pays much better. Save up some money and maybe start to appreciate the nice regular clientele we get. One of the reasons I'm not ready to just quit and go work somewhere else is the clientele we get and the staff I work with, because I know so many other places out there that may pay better but the environment is so much worse. Dilemma dilemma.
My dad suggested I do an MBA in the US, get into the top 10 at least, if not it isn't worth it. Seriously considering it. But the way things work, if you go to a reputable business school, you'll probably have a job before you're done, which means I might end up moving to the States?! I think moving continents once was enough, but then again, what do I have to lose? But the major concern is, if I do go to the US to do it, I won't be able to keep up my working hours and will lose my registration. Which means if I can't get a job after finishing the MBA, I can't even come back to this profession that easily. Although, like I said, what do I even lose by getting out? Doing it may be a step into having to start all over again, which I'm wary about. I don't know. I just need to get out. It's actually really sad that almost half of newly grads are trying to get out when they've barely started. Maybe it is time to leave the nest and make my own pearl in this insane oyster.
Probably wanting some time off too. Initially planned a trip to Greece, Croatia and a couple other place in Europe but those plans fell through and are not happening anymore. Currently looking at tours for solo-travellers because, I need some time off. Like I said, for my sanity. Have my eye on this central Europe tour, visiting Vienna, Krakow, Auschwitz Museum, Prague, Budapest etc. Might go see Croatia, Slovenia and Salzburg on my own and join the tour for the second half, taking about 4 weeks off work. If only spending so much money over such a short period of time wasn't so painful...
Actually, I would love to go to Greece and also Italy but I don't have the budget nor the guts to travel to those places alone. Got to save those up for when I get the lottery hahah. When I find someone willing to go with me lol.
Sigh, maybe it's time to re-prioritise my life.
