I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.



So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)



My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.



2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.



Productivity zero today.
No sense of urgency that's why. I was going to do some study for my last exam yesterday and this morning but nothing has happened until now and it's already so late now. At 5 I finally forced myself to sit at the table and study. 5.30, decided I couldn't do it anymore, went for a run. Had dinner, attempted to do some work again and one tiny bit got done. Feeling so unmotivated when I should be on top of my game right now. Everything else is so much more interesting and alluring.

Maybe it's because today's a public holiday so it feels somewhat like a weekend that I have been deprived of for more than a year now. Which really reminds me of how much I miss having my weekends back. It's different waking up to an empty house as compared to a full one.

Sigh. Okok back to work. Hopefully.



One down, 3 to go, and it's only going to go downhill from here.

Paper today was alright. I should pass, but whether or not I do well is a separate issue. After posting last night about not giving an eff about the exam, I actually slept pretty well last night. Didn't have any trouble falling asleep last night and actually slept in for an extra half hour because I literally didn't want to care anymore. But before that I was prepared to not have a good night at all so it was a nice surprise.

Was googling about how to sleep before exams, maybe some meds might help (oh the irony). So many options..just relax and go to sleep (does not happen very often), the occasional stress is actually good for you and improves brain function, do not try pills because you will be affected the next day and will get addicted, try valerian, melatonin works, avoid technology just before you sleep etc. and the list goes on. I think what worked/happened last night was that before deciding I wanted to go to sleep, I just put everything down, assured myself that I can finish everything up tomorrow morning and simply chilled and did nothing for 10-15 minutes before I slept. No reading, no using of the laptop or phone. A bit of packing for the exam and it worked..this one time. We'll see if it still works next week when I have 2 of the hardest exams on consecutive days.

Meanwhile, I should have done some studying for the last paper but argh, I can't. My brain is constantly switching itself off once I open the folder and see my notes. It's like an automatic switch off now but the day before exam, it will the thing that keeps me awake, knowing I haven't remembered or grasped every single concept or detail.

I keep telling myself doing well now doesn't mean that life will be smooth sailing in the future. Of course it is a bonus but you can be successful without doing well in school. I read an article about this. May decide to blog again another time about this when I have more time on my hands. But yea, I keep telling myself doing well isn't the only important thing but I can't help myself. Like I really want to finish uni on a good note. I've never got 2 HD's for 1 semester before and I'm hoping it may happen this time round. I think it's unlikely though, I walk into every exam saying pass is good enough for me when deep down I know I want better than that sigh. Expectations expectations.



First exam tomorrow morning and my brain is positively fried.
It's reached the point where I am saying I don't give an eff anymore but I won't be able to sleep later.
I feel like I know everything very vaguely but whether or not that "vaguely" will warrant a pass is a different story. As usual, definitely waking up early tomorrow to revise last minute but now, my brain is gone. Actively trying to remember stuff but I can't even sit still and read through the stuff it's driving me crazy. I'm at a loss. Should I just get up even earlier than I already planned and just go sleep now? Or should I stay up for a bit more and then wake up a bit later tomorrow. I must say I kinda deserve this panicking tonight because I wasted one day procrastinating when I could have started studying for this exam so that's my fault. But after that day, I seriously was rushing through everything like a madwoman. Hopefully I will known enough by the time I walk in. Sigh.

Goodnight. Happy studying.

I was meant to study for my osce that's tomorrow but meh that can be done later..and by later I mean tonight...ahem

I met up with a friend last night for dinner because she wanted to talk about her breakup, which made me think about the whole friends vs significant other issue.

I have a few friends who are in a relationship. And of these few friends that are in a relationship, some become a totally different person. They become someone whose life revolves around the respective bf/gf and start to lose their own social circle. And when they do break up, they realise they've lost almost everything.

Having not had that relationship experience myself, yes I don't know how difficult it is to maintain a balance between friends and a bf/gf, but surely it is an important component. More than once, have I had a friend who had gotten so immersed in a relationship that they disappeared as a friend, and surely it is a more-than-common occurrence.

Every bf/gf will be "the one" when you are dating, and I get that. Your bf/gf is potentially someone you will spend the rest of your life with, and whom you should have a more intricate relationship with as compared to a friend. But if somehow, you realise your partner is not "the one" and you've become so socially isolated, where does that leave you?

While your friends will be there for you (talking about your true friends here), they have zero obligation to do so, especially if you've kicked them aside for the course of your relationship. If you're lucky enough, you would still have old friends willing to meet you and listen to your story or cheer you up. Not many people know who their true friends are. I'm lucky to know who mine are.

Moral of the story, life is about balance, and relationships are no different. Treasure your significant other, but make sure you don't immerse yourself so fully, that you neglect and lose your own social circle and who you are.

So...I officially finished my last written exam last friday and all I can say is, it was a terrible paper, I sincerely hope I pass although I really highly doubt it. I have never been so thrown off in an exam before because I simply felt so under-prepared. I went in knowing I had given up on some parts because the information was simply not going in. Started the paper and shiet happened. Even the stuff I thought I knew, I didn't actually know. And after stepping in, I completely forgot about certain mechanisms of action and got super confused over the symptoms for a couple of conditions. Hopefully what I did is enough.

Meanwhile, the world has gone mad. Literally. It's disgusting and horrifying that humans can subject other humans to these sorts of atrocities.

Oh, and I've finally finished planning the itinerary for my Tasmania trip next week. It feels so unreal that it's a grad trip before full time work kicks in. Shall talk about in another post another time. For now, it's bed time ;)

My brain/mind is so not into the books right now I might as well just break for a bit and do something else.
Sigh, not even halfway done for my exams on thursday or friday. Thursday and friday will be a mad rush of memorising everything. Have to try and finish as much as I can for Thursdays exam so I have time to revise everything again and actually try to remember stuff. Spent my whole day so far trying to get through one thick set of notes that are tbh, not very useful and require plain memorisation as does the other half of the subject. But surprisingly I'm super calm..like I really feel like idgaf anymore. I just can't wait to get out, go on holiday and get done with this crazy studying and memorising because I'm going to forget 80% of this stuff anyway..until next year starts at least. Why is there just so much content. It's not even like starting to study earlier will work because if I memorised it last week, chances are, this week I would have looooong forgotten about it already. I can definitely see why paying people to take your exams for you is becoming quite a thing now.

ARGH. FRUSTRATION.

2 down, 2 to go.

Honestly, I'm not very sure how the exam went today. Reading through 40 lit reviews in a frenzy paid off though. At first I thought I totally had it and then I realised because the paper was out of 45, every mark is ~2%...Should be able to pass I hope. Supposed to have started studying for my last paper today after I got home but who can be bothered right.

So many things going through my head now.
I would like to say I'm one of those people who don't care what people think about me but in reality I know I do. Like the things I say or the way I say things or behave..it just replays and rewinds in my head and it's really like a why-did-I-do-that thing or why-did-I-say-something-so-stupid. Because I was bored studying, I went an looked up old conversations or comments and is it weird that I hate the way I used to "talk" online?! Like the language and expressions were just very...I don't know. They feel very foreign and I have no recollection of ever typing that way. I look back and wonder how I had friends even with the things I said/did. I guess in a way I'm still the same person but I express myself differently now? Even looking back at my old blog posts back when this started make me cringe LOL. Maybe 5 years down the road, this very blog post will make me cringe, who knows.

It's only now that the "future" is coming into reality. It's that age/time where you start to think about life, in a serious way. I have 3 weeks left before starting work full time. 2 weeks till I finish everything uni-related. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive studying and working full time?

In a previous post I mentioned an article talking about how A's will not give you everything in life and it is now that I've really understood it. Children nowadays, especially with an Asian upbringing are taught that they need to do well in school. It's ingrained in them, it's their programmed wiring. Do we really love to study? I am no exception to this upbringing. Because of the way I was forced to study (because I "didn't care" and had "no drive"), I honestly hated studying. I didn't know how to study and just never got to the I should/need to study stage. I didn't pay attention in class, copied off homework because I didn't know half of what was going on and it just became a vicious cycle. It reached a point I was barely passing in a cohort that was way ahead of me while I had friends topping the cohort. It wasn't until uni that I really learnt to pick up my game. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the disappointment of not doing as well as I wanted to for VCE and getting into something I was just meh about. Or maybe I just grew up.

Anyway, I got my game back together and did pretty alright, only to realise I'm only the average or slightly above average. And you know, it is discouraging because I'm in the midst of a cohort that is a whole year older than me, they have a year's extra maturity to deal with problems. I used to think it was a mistake trying to skip a year instead of doing it the "proper" way. Uni has been increasingly tough. I've mentioned this a couple of times, lamenting about how much work I have to get through, how much sleep I've been losing etc. At the end of the day, I am raking in pretty good scores. And here's where A's don't matter. I didn't get something I tried for and really wanted at the time.

Was I crushed? Of course I was. I even started questioning my future and I still am.

Doing well doesn't guarantee you anything. It gives you a better shot but it isn't your 100% guarantee. Life doesn't end after you get your A's and your GPA 4's. How well you do or how smart you are does not fully dictate your future. Your future is there for you to mould. What happened in school, stays in school. The society is a different world. Don't blindly put your 100% into A's, they don't mean the world. They will put you a step ahead but the world's more than just a step.

Productivity zero today.
No sense of urgency that's why. I was going to do some study for my last exam yesterday and this morning but nothing has happened until now and it's already so late now. At 5 I finally forced myself to sit at the table and study. 5.30, decided I couldn't do it anymore, went for a run. Had dinner, attempted to do some work again and one tiny bit got done. Feeling so unmotivated when I should be on top of my game right now. Everything else is so much more interesting and alluring.

Maybe it's because today's a public holiday so it feels somewhat like a weekend that I have been deprived of for more than a year now. Which really reminds me of how much I miss having my weekends back. It's different waking up to an empty house as compared to a full one.

Sigh. Okok back to work. Hopefully.

One down, 3 to go, and it's only going to go downhill from here.

Paper today was alright. I should pass, but whether or not I do well is a separate issue. After posting last night about not giving an eff about the exam, I actually slept pretty well last night. Didn't have any trouble falling asleep last night and actually slept in for an extra half hour because I literally didn't want to care anymore. But before that I was prepared to not have a good night at all so it was a nice surprise.

Was googling about how to sleep before exams, maybe some meds might help (oh the irony). So many options..just relax and go to sleep (does not happen very often), the occasional stress is actually good for you and improves brain function, do not try pills because you will be affected the next day and will get addicted, try valerian, melatonin works, avoid technology just before you sleep etc. and the list goes on. I think what worked/happened last night was that before deciding I wanted to go to sleep, I just put everything down, assured myself that I can finish everything up tomorrow morning and simply chilled and did nothing for 10-15 minutes before I slept. No reading, no using of the laptop or phone. A bit of packing for the exam and it worked..this one time. We'll see if it still works next week when I have 2 of the hardest exams on consecutive days.

Meanwhile, I should have done some studying for the last paper but argh, I can't. My brain is constantly switching itself off once I open the folder and see my notes. It's like an automatic switch off now but the day before exam, it will the thing that keeps me awake, knowing I haven't remembered or grasped every single concept or detail.

I keep telling myself doing well now doesn't mean that life will be smooth sailing in the future. Of course it is a bonus but you can be successful without doing well in school. I read an article about this. May decide to blog again another time about this when I have more time on my hands. But yea, I keep telling myself doing well isn't the only important thing but I can't help myself. Like I really want to finish uni on a good note. I've never got 2 HD's for 1 semester before and I'm hoping it may happen this time round. I think it's unlikely though, I walk into every exam saying pass is good enough for me when deep down I know I want better than that sigh. Expectations expectations.

First exam tomorrow morning and my brain is positively fried.
It's reached the point where I am saying I don't give an eff anymore but I won't be able to sleep later.
I feel like I know everything very vaguely but whether or not that "vaguely" will warrant a pass is a different story. As usual, definitely waking up early tomorrow to revise last minute but now, my brain is gone. Actively trying to remember stuff but I can't even sit still and read through the stuff it's driving me crazy. I'm at a loss. Should I just get up even earlier than I already planned and just go sleep now? Or should I stay up for a bit more and then wake up a bit later tomorrow. I must say I kinda deserve this panicking tonight because I wasted one day procrastinating when I could have started studying for this exam so that's my fault. But after that day, I seriously was rushing through everything like a madwoman. Hopefully I will known enough by the time I walk in. Sigh.

Goodnight. Happy studying.

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