또 시작이야

Again, it hits, disturbing the waters, starting the havoc among those on board. It is indeed the calm before a storm.

Yes, I don't understand why things can't be worked out. I don't understand why this has to happen again. If it happens, it isn't just about you anymore, it's about us.

Once again I'm blanking out. I thought it was over. I thought wrong.

I'm tired. Good night.



Quick one before I pass out in class tomorrow.

I finally completed this group assignment. Spend my entire Sunday evening/night until now, deleting irrelevant information because we have a word limit to keep to) and fixing up sentences that didn't make the least sense, that this other girl did. We were supposed to share the workload but yea, I don't think it really happened. Sharing workload doesn't equal me spending 2 days and staying up till 1am for the past 2 nights trying to work things out. Not that she didn't do work but the quality was hmm not the best.

Ok, enough ranting if not I'll really fall asleep in class tmr which I cannot afford D:



The morning is only half gone and already it has been crap.

Today has not started well at all.
This morning, I jerked awake panicking that my alarm hadn't rung and it was already so bright outside. So, headed off to school like usual. When I was getting off the train, I think I dropped my myki card somewhere. Being peak hour and having a test that I couldn't be late for, the chances of me not missing the tram to go back and look for my card amongst a streaming crowd was so low, I thought forget it, I'll just tell the people at the gantry that my card dropped somewhere. In the end, lucky me, even though I said I dropped my card and it's not that they didn't believe me, but I was "caught" without a valid myki and had to pay a fine. Couldn't risk missing the tram so I just paid the fine on the spot and rocketed off. And then came the test. It was a practical, so we were supposed to mix a cream. Some ingenious person put a bottle of the WRONG cream at the weighing machines, and being in a very frenzied hurry, I didn't even realise it was the wrong cream and I just used it. Only halfway through, I realised the cream that other people had was a totally different texture and realised I had used the wrong cream. Had to clean up and start out again and measure everything and start from scratch while everyone else was finishing off. The only good thing that happened was that I managed to finish in time. Everything bad that can happen is happening all in this short period of time. Nothing could get more wrong. Not in school, not at work/future work, not at home. Nothing is going right. NOTHING.

I'm just so tired of all this shit. But yet it's still my own crap that I have to take care off. So I lost $10 for my myki, and I lost another lump sum because of the fine. Haphazardly finished the practical that I will be graded on for the actual "method" and final product. So mad at myself and the whole crap situation.





I'm almost deaf.

It's silent on all fronts. Pity the weather is finally so nice.

My mind is blank and the blankness is like a growing tornado, tearing away my everything.

What should I do now? It's confronting and stupid and yet destructive in its path.

It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. Like this is all a lie. A mean joke.



Everything that I have ever known is falling down to the ground. 



Back again.

Didn't have a great day.

After spending a whole morning with people who did get the positions, I'm just honestly so tired.
I look at some of these people and results wise, I could probably beat them, yet they got it and I didn't. Where did I go wrong? Did I really mess up my interviews that badly? Do I look too young and unreliable for the job? Do I look incompetent? What is it exactly?

Today for the first time, the tears finally came, together with the rain.

I have a test tomorrow and am barely ready, yet my mind can't focus on what I have to do and learn.

The sense of being lost is so real right now, where do I go from here? What can I do from here?

All along, I studied my life away, sleeping 4 hours the night before exams, writing up all the notes and summaries even when on holiday, just hoping that my grades stand out because my personality doesn't. And it didn't work. Maybe all I'm good at is studying. Why have I studied so hard all this while when it has come to nothing. What have I studied for? Who have I studied for? Why have I studied this?

All these unanswered questions hurling around in my mind, occupying my brain like the stupid tumours we are learning about now; sucking up my concentration, my normal functioning brain. Why...?

Just to add on to this mess, I had a test today too, one that you can't really study for. It was hard. I had to find problems in a case and it was worth 10 marks but no way could I spot even 5 problems.

What is wrong with me? I told myself not to have high hopes but now it feels like everything has come crashing down, yet again. Plans for the future? What plans? I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I want to talk to someone and yet I don't. I want to be with someone but yet I want to be alone.

What have I done wrong? Why has He closed this door for me? What does He have planned for me now? Have I come onto the wrong path? Did I really just choose this path because I couldn't make it on to another one? What should I do now? What does He want me to do now?

난 몰라 진짜 몰라

They say the future is yours to create. What future can I speak of?

At times like these, it's so hard to give thanks for what has happened. I said 2 days ago that we should praise the Lord whatever the situation. But I'm so lost right now..



Maybe it was self denial after all. Not that I feel super disappointed, but now I feel very lost and distracted.

I have a test tomorrow, a test on thursday, group assignment due monday morning, test next tuesday and another group assignment due the monday after. And on top of all of that I have to start reviewing my resume again and start deciding where I want to apply, if I am applying elsewhere. Stress is an understatement. But yet, I feel no kick. At first after the news yesterday I was determined to show them what they are missing out on and that I'm better than they think. But that translated haphazardly into my studying for the tests etc. In terms of studying, I'm behind schedule by at least 6 hours according to my planning and clearly there's not much time to waste but here I am blogging because I can't get my mind to focus and just remember and learn things. Time and time again, it has come down to overload of information and just overall stress about not being able to focus or remembering anything. Every time there's a test or an assignment I just feel like I can't stand all of this crap anymore. After what happened yesterday and thinking through a few options, I'm strongly querying my future in this profession because clearly I don't have a strong starting base in it at all. Maybe I should study something else? But after crashing through exam after exam, test after test in a zombie-like state, I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I'm just so tired. Studying isn't for me, work isn't for me, then what is?!! How many times have I been reduced to a dejected bundle the day/night before a test/exam. How many more times to I have to go through all of this.

Someone asked me if I would prefer to go back to high school again and I wasn't sure. But maybe now I can say yes. I didn't have to worry about anything else other than studying. The studying wasn't even the hard part to begin with. I didn't have to work part time, I didn't have to worry about finding a job in the future, didn't have to think about how to impress at an interview. With a million things on my mind now, how am I supposed to concentrate?! Human nature is a weird thing. The more you are supposed to do something, the more unlikely you are to wield to it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how procrastination happens.
ciao



I'm not sure if I have actually posted about this before and I really can't be bothered to check.
Well, throughout the past few weeks, something has been sitting in the deep dark corner at the back of my mind, that is applications for internship in a certain setting. We were supposed to know the outcome on wednesday but it seems that they were very efficient and most people got an email today and so here goes.

I didn't get it.

My first thought was OH. The disappointment didn't really hit and even now it hasn't hit yet. Instead, it's sort of a relief that I can stop thinking about it and I actually can start planning in a sense, about what I can start doing and start working out my options.

To be honest, I told myself to not have too high hopes because I know my personality doesn't glow, I don't exactly stand out from the crowd. I had two interviews, both I left feeling alright. Not great, but alright. It was only after I got home that I felt that I really bombed through both of the interviews and was really kicking myself for not saying this or for saying something stupid.

I made a promise with myself and with God. If it was His will that I would get it, then I would get it. If it wasn't, then move on. More than disappointment, it was just relief finding out. I won't say that I let myself down because I know I didn't. During the interviews, I tried my best and I was myself. For the first 2 official interviews I have had in my life, I think I didn't fail terribly even though I didn't get it. It's not self-denial, it's moving on. It was something I wanted to try despite knowing my chances, and finding out I didn't make the cut, it's good enough for now knowing that I at least tried.

After going through a whirlwind of events, I think the moral of the story is praise the Lord. Something goes well? Praise the Lord! If something doesn't work out, praise the Lord even more, for He will have better plans for you. If He cares for the sparrows outside, what more will He care for you?

Take Care! (:



Aloha! So, it's been quite a while since I last updated. But then again, I think I tend to post in random outbursts so here goes.
A lot of things have happened since my last post and even now there are so many things going on and yet so little is going on.
Not much happened in July, had holidays, went to gold coast, chilled around at home, did a little bit of extra shifts, then came august and I had placements in a location where I had to stay there for 3 weeks so I wan not at home and at the mercy of weak wifi. It was the best placement I had so far and I really enjoyed it..minus the sitting in the doorway to get wifi HAHA. and then 2 weeks of school and here we are now. Intern applications were open so there were interviews going around, preparation for those and then keeping up with school. School is no joke man, the number of assignments we have to do concurrently is crazy considering the amount of time and effort is needed to be put into it. Even now I'm busy catching up on lectures I skipped because I was preparing for other things and because I have a test this coming week D: . Bad bad bad. But, it's the least I can do. Not to best/ideal way to study for a midsem test but this is the way it's going to be. Every semester I start with the mindset of not being behind in terms of schoolwork and lectures but every time it happens. It's just so hard to keep up with everything when they're begging for your attention at the same time. A trip somewhere...anywhere really, would be so nice right now. Week 6 is over, 6 more weeks to go and technically I'm done with school..for now :O SO SOON. SO OLD.

On another note, I'm considering getting a macbook pro...maybe with retina. Sigh but spending such a huge amount of money at one go is really not something I do. The only other time I've spent a huge amount of money at one go was for school fees this year. I don't know, but it's probably a good idea to make use of my student status while I'm still one.

또 시작이야

Again, it hits, disturbing the waters, starting the havoc among those on board. It is indeed the calm before a storm.

Yes, I don't understand why things can't be worked out. I don't understand why this has to happen again. If it happens, it isn't just about you anymore, it's about us.

Once again I'm blanking out. I thought it was over. I thought wrong.

I'm tired. Good night.

Quick one before I pass out in class tomorrow.

I finally completed this group assignment. Spend my entire Sunday evening/night until now, deleting irrelevant information because we have a word limit to keep to) and fixing up sentences that didn't make the least sense, that this other girl did. We were supposed to share the workload but yea, I don't think it really happened. Sharing workload doesn't equal me spending 2 days and staying up till 1am for the past 2 nights trying to work things out. Not that she didn't do work but the quality was hmm not the best.

Ok, enough ranting if not I'll really fall asleep in class tmr which I cannot afford D:

The morning is only half gone and already it has been crap.

Today has not started well at all.
This morning, I jerked awake panicking that my alarm hadn't rung and it was already so bright outside. So, headed off to school like usual. When I was getting off the train, I think I dropped my myki card somewhere. Being peak hour and having a test that I couldn't be late for, the chances of me not missing the tram to go back and look for my card amongst a streaming crowd was so low, I thought forget it, I'll just tell the people at the gantry that my card dropped somewhere. In the end, lucky me, even though I said I dropped my card and it's not that they didn't believe me, but I was "caught" without a valid myki and had to pay a fine. Couldn't risk missing the tram so I just paid the fine on the spot and rocketed off. And then came the test. It was a practical, so we were supposed to mix a cream. Some ingenious person put a bottle of the WRONG cream at the weighing machines, and being in a very frenzied hurry, I didn't even realise it was the wrong cream and I just used it. Only halfway through, I realised the cream that other people had was a totally different texture and realised I had used the wrong cream. Had to clean up and start out again and measure everything and start from scratch while everyone else was finishing off. The only good thing that happened was that I managed to finish in time. Everything bad that can happen is happening all in this short period of time. Nothing could get more wrong. Not in school, not at work/future work, not at home. Nothing is going right. NOTHING.

I'm just so tired of all this shit. But yet it's still my own crap that I have to take care off. So I lost $10 for my myki, and I lost another lump sum because of the fine. Haphazardly finished the practical that I will be graded on for the actual "method" and final product. So mad at myself and the whole crap situation.



I'm almost deaf.

It's silent on all fronts. Pity the weather is finally so nice.

My mind is blank and the blankness is like a growing tornado, tearing away my everything.

What should I do now? It's confronting and stupid and yet destructive in its path.

It feels like a dream. Like this isn't really happening. Like this is all a lie. A mean joke.

Everything that I have ever known is falling down to the ground. 

Back again.

Didn't have a great day.

After spending a whole morning with people who did get the positions, I'm just honestly so tired.
I look at some of these people and results wise, I could probably beat them, yet they got it and I didn't. Where did I go wrong? Did I really mess up my interviews that badly? Do I look too young and unreliable for the job? Do I look incompetent? What is it exactly?

Today for the first time, the tears finally came, together with the rain.

I have a test tomorrow and am barely ready, yet my mind can't focus on what I have to do and learn.

The sense of being lost is so real right now, where do I go from here? What can I do from here?

All along, I studied my life away, sleeping 4 hours the night before exams, writing up all the notes and summaries even when on holiday, just hoping that my grades stand out because my personality doesn't. And it didn't work. Maybe all I'm good at is studying. Why have I studied so hard all this while when it has come to nothing. What have I studied for? Who have I studied for? Why have I studied this?

All these unanswered questions hurling around in my mind, occupying my brain like the stupid tumours we are learning about now; sucking up my concentration, my normal functioning brain. Why...?

Just to add on to this mess, I had a test today too, one that you can't really study for. It was hard. I had to find problems in a case and it was worth 10 marks but no way could I spot even 5 problems.

What is wrong with me? I told myself not to have high hopes but now it feels like everything has come crashing down, yet again. Plans for the future? What plans? I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I want to talk to someone and yet I don't. I want to be with someone but yet I want to be alone.

What have I done wrong? Why has He closed this door for me? What does He have planned for me now? Have I come onto the wrong path? Did I really just choose this path because I couldn't make it on to another one? What should I do now? What does He want me to do now?

난 몰라 진짜 몰라

They say the future is yours to create. What future can I speak of?

At times like these, it's so hard to give thanks for what has happened. I said 2 days ago that we should praise the Lord whatever the situation. But I'm so lost right now..

Maybe it was self denial after all. Not that I feel super disappointed, but now I feel very lost and distracted.

I have a test tomorrow, a test on thursday, group assignment due monday morning, test next tuesday and another group assignment due the monday after. And on top of all of that I have to start reviewing my resume again and start deciding where I want to apply, if I am applying elsewhere. Stress is an understatement. But yet, I feel no kick. At first after the news yesterday I was determined to show them what they are missing out on and that I'm better than they think. But that translated haphazardly into my studying for the tests etc. In terms of studying, I'm behind schedule by at least 6 hours according to my planning and clearly there's not much time to waste but here I am blogging because I can't get my mind to focus and just remember and learn things. Time and time again, it has come down to overload of information and just overall stress about not being able to focus or remembering anything. Every time there's a test or an assignment I just feel like I can't stand all of this crap anymore. After what happened yesterday and thinking through a few options, I'm strongly querying my future in this profession because clearly I don't have a strong starting base in it at all. Maybe I should study something else? But after crashing through exam after exam, test after test in a zombie-like state, I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I'm just so tired. Studying isn't for me, work isn't for me, then what is?!! How many times have I been reduced to a dejected bundle the day/night before a test/exam. How many more times to I have to go through all of this.

Someone asked me if I would prefer to go back to high school again and I wasn't sure. But maybe now I can say yes. I didn't have to worry about anything else other than studying. The studying wasn't even the hard part to begin with. I didn't have to work part time, I didn't have to worry about finding a job in the future, didn't have to think about how to impress at an interview. With a million things on my mind now, how am I supposed to concentrate?! Human nature is a weird thing. The more you are supposed to do something, the more unlikely you are to wield to it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how procrastination happens.
ciao

I'm not sure if I have actually posted about this before and I really can't be bothered to check.
Well, throughout the past few weeks, something has been sitting in the deep dark corner at the back of my mind, that is applications for internship in a certain setting. We were supposed to know the outcome on wednesday but it seems that they were very efficient and most people got an email today and so here goes.

I didn't get it.

My first thought was OH. The disappointment didn't really hit and even now it hasn't hit yet. Instead, it's sort of a relief that I can stop thinking about it and I actually can start planning in a sense, about what I can start doing and start working out my options.

To be honest, I told myself to not have too high hopes because I know my personality doesn't glow, I don't exactly stand out from the crowd. I had two interviews, both I left feeling alright. Not great, but alright. It was only after I got home that I felt that I really bombed through both of the interviews and was really kicking myself for not saying this or for saying something stupid.

I made a promise with myself and with God. If it was His will that I would get it, then I would get it. If it wasn't, then move on. More than disappointment, it was just relief finding out. I won't say that I let myself down because I know I didn't. During the interviews, I tried my best and I was myself. For the first 2 official interviews I have had in my life, I think I didn't fail terribly even though I didn't get it. It's not self-denial, it's moving on. It was something I wanted to try despite knowing my chances, and finding out I didn't make the cut, it's good enough for now knowing that I at least tried.

After going through a whirlwind of events, I think the moral of the story is praise the Lord. Something goes well? Praise the Lord! If something doesn't work out, praise the Lord even more, for He will have better plans for you. If He cares for the sparrows outside, what more will He care for you?

Take Care! (:

Aloha! So, it's been quite a while since I last updated. But then again, I think I tend to post in random outbursts so here goes.
A lot of things have happened since my last post and even now there are so many things going on and yet so little is going on.
Not much happened in July, had holidays, went to gold coast, chilled around at home, did a little bit of extra shifts, then came august and I had placements in a location where I had to stay there for 3 weeks so I wan not at home and at the mercy of weak wifi. It was the best placement I had so far and I really enjoyed it..minus the sitting in the doorway to get wifi HAHA. and then 2 weeks of school and here we are now. Intern applications were open so there were interviews going around, preparation for those and then keeping up with school. School is no joke man, the number of assignments we have to do concurrently is crazy considering the amount of time and effort is needed to be put into it. Even now I'm busy catching up on lectures I skipped because I was preparing for other things and because I have a test this coming week D: . Bad bad bad. But, it's the least I can do. Not to best/ideal way to study for a midsem test but this is the way it's going to be. Every semester I start with the mindset of not being behind in terms of schoolwork and lectures but every time it happens. It's just so hard to keep up with everything when they're begging for your attention at the same time. A trip somewhere...anywhere really, would be so nice right now. Week 6 is over, 6 more weeks to go and technically I'm done with school..for now :O SO SOON. SO OLD.

On another note, I'm considering getting a macbook pro...maybe with retina. Sigh but spending such a huge amount of money at one go is really not something I do. The only other time I've spent a huge amount of money at one go was for school fees this year. I don't know, but it's probably a good idea to make use of my student status while I'm still one.

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