It's been a month, exactly one month since my ahgong passed away, 24 Feb at 3.28pm

It was pretty sudden, still remember what we were going to eat for dinner, what I was wearing. It was just before dinner that my uncle called our home phone. My ahma was having a lot of trouble just taking after him because firstly, he has dementia. Secondly, he poos a lot around the house and doesn't realise and lastly, they weren't on good terms. So, a few weeks before his passing, my uncle sent him to a nursing home where there are people that can actually take good care of him and there were lots of problems, like my ahgong walking around in the middle of the night, making it impossible for other people to fall asleep etc. So my uncle took him back a few times and the last time he didn't eat for a few days. Nobody picked up that something was wrong. He was sent back to the nursing home and on that fateful morning he went to lie on his bed and the people there thought maybe he was taking a nap or something. Only about lunch time(Singapore time) that he was discovered to be somewhat unconscious and then sent to the hospital. It was a ruptured blood vessel in the stomach/intestines area. 

I didn't expect to cry at all because I wasn't exactly close to my ahgong. Yes, he's the only ahgong I've every known(my other ahgong passed away long before I was born) but I've never had a family relationship with him. He's had dementia for the past 2-3 years and he doesn't even remember who my dad is or any of us. I still remember we were planning to go out shopping or something after dinner that day and then this happened. I was just seriously thinking about it and was just stunned, stunned emotionless. And then it hit me. Just started tearing non-stop. My ahgong was a really smart man, the person I could never beat in checkers, the person who gave his grandchildren $100 angpows(not being money-minded here but..), the person who continuously asked me if I knew what bus to take to rv. And that person, does not even recognise me nor is he here anymore. While I was sitting on the toilet floor just crying all these thoughts just kept running through my mind. There aren't much memories that I have with him since we didn't live with him but these are the few that I remember. My dad immediately booked a flight that night for a flight the next day in the morning(so we arrived in the evening). Arrived and was quite fine about everything after sorting out my emotions and talking to a few people. First day, I admit, I didn't dare to look into the coffin. 

Second day of the wake, there was some buddhist/taoist monk doing those chanting things and all my ahgong's children and grandchildren had to stand in front supposedly following and 念经. It went on for..quite a while and I got lost in the book but that's not the important part. It hit me so hard that no matter how long these people 念经 and how much they say or how much incense they burn, there isn't any use. My ahgong didn't know Christ's name and he wouldn't end up in heaven regardless of how much effort these people put in. My ahgong's last years weren't easy for him. Everyone treated him like a burden and would just badmouth him when he wasn't there. I didn't take part in any of this but my mum told me this was going on. Was learning in a lecture about how social acceptance can affect one's health and well-being and my mind just drifted off to thoughts of my ahgong. No one provided him any form of acceptance at all. He was kept at home and gradually not allowed to get out of the house as he wouldn't remember how to go back home again, and the place he lived became his jail, his cage. He would eat first and forget he had eaten and come back for a second round when the rest of us were eating. It was just so..traumatising to see such a brilliant man being reduced to a person stuck in a cage known as home and becoming literally skin and bones. 

On the last day of the wake, I really want to thank Sarah, Evan, Clement and Coco for dropping by in the afternoon because you guys totally don't have to come at all but yes, I'm really thankful that you guys took the time to come. And also, Miriam for the letter and the encouraging verses. I thought I got over it already because I'm not really the kind of person that cries over the same thing twice. Even when I had to come down to Australia, I only cried once and that was it, I couldn't cry anymore after that one time, so I thought this would be no different. More rounds of chanting on the last night and they burnt a massive paper house and a lot of folded paper ingots. And again, all I thought was how this is all contributing to pollution and how it won't help my ahgong. Nothing can change the fact that he didn't accept/know Christ and have a relationship with him, and now,  he's in a world of eternal fire, regardless of how much paper and incense they burn for him. 

The next day(day of cremation) there was one last part where everyone(all the relatives) said their last words to my ahgong(like go to the coffin and talk to him). My ahma was there and it's the first time I've ever heard her use that tone to talk to him. Anyway, they separated the males and females(direct family - so the children and grandchildren) at the opposite end of a table and..I could see my dad crying/tearing. My uncle and my aunt were crying too. It's the second time I've seen my dad crying and the first time seeing my uncle and aunt crying and my tears just fell, I don't even know why. It was just..so sad. My dad probably felt the worst(I don't know) because we weren't even in Singapore, and the last time my dad saw him actually walking around was in october/november last year and there's nothing more that he could do. I saw my cousin(a guy a year older than me) sneaking a tissue to his eyes. I don't know why I'm mentioning this but, yes we openly cried for our ahgong that we didn't have a close relationship with. For me, I guess it was that feeling of loss. Even though we didn't have a close relationship he is still my ahgong, and my only ahgong that I know. This is the first time I've experienced a loss this close and it's just..until now, still shocking. After that the coffin was loaded onto the van(that was with glass) and we all had to walk behind the van as it drove to where we would catch the bus to the Mandai crematorium. When the coffin was headed slowly toward the furnace my dad suddenly said "say goodbye to ahgong, he's going already" and his voice quivered and he actually broke into tears again. People at the back were crying, my dad was the one making all the moaning/crying sounds and then, it was over. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust". We were meant to return to the earth, where we came from. 

Collected the bones the next day, went to a temple to put the picture and a columbarian for the ONG's. Burnt more stuff there and then left. 

It's been a month, exactly one month since my ahgong passed away, 24 Feb at 3.28pm

It was pretty sudden, still remember what we were going to eat for dinner, what I was wearing. It was just before dinner that my uncle called our home phone. My ahma was having a lot of trouble just taking after him because firstly, he has dementia. Secondly, he poos a lot around the house and doesn't realise and lastly, they weren't on good terms. So, a few weeks before his passing, my uncle sent him to a nursing home where there are people that can actually take good care of him and there were lots of problems, like my ahgong walking around in the middle of the night, making it impossible for other people to fall asleep etc. So my uncle took him back a few times and the last time he didn't eat for a few days. Nobody picked up that something was wrong. He was sent back to the nursing home and on that fateful morning he went to lie on his bed and the people there thought maybe he was taking a nap or something. Only about lunch time(Singapore time) that he was discovered to be somewhat unconscious and then sent to the hospital. It was a ruptured blood vessel in the stomach/intestines area. 

I didn't expect to cry at all because I wasn't exactly close to my ahgong. Yes, he's the only ahgong I've every known(my other ahgong passed away long before I was born) but I've never had a family relationship with him. He's had dementia for the past 2-3 years and he doesn't even remember who my dad is or any of us. I still remember we were planning to go out shopping or something after dinner that day and then this happened. I was just seriously thinking about it and was just stunned, stunned emotionless. And then it hit me. Just started tearing non-stop. My ahgong was a really smart man, the person I could never beat in checkers, the person who gave his grandchildren $100 angpows(not being money-minded here but..), the person who continuously asked me if I knew what bus to take to rv. And that person, does not even recognise me nor is he here anymore. While I was sitting on the toilet floor just crying all these thoughts just kept running through my mind. There aren't much memories that I have with him since we didn't live with him but these are the few that I remember. My dad immediately booked a flight that night for a flight the next day in the morning(so we arrived in the evening). Arrived and was quite fine about everything after sorting out my emotions and talking to a few people. First day, I admit, I didn't dare to look into the coffin. 

Second day of the wake, there was some buddhist/taoist monk doing those chanting things and all my ahgong's children and grandchildren had to stand in front supposedly following and 念经. It went on for..quite a while and I got lost in the book but that's not the important part. It hit me so hard that no matter how long these people 念经 and how much they say or how much incense they burn, there isn't any use. My ahgong didn't know Christ's name and he wouldn't end up in heaven regardless of how much effort these people put in. My ahgong's last years weren't easy for him. Everyone treated him like a burden and would just badmouth him when he wasn't there. I didn't take part in any of this but my mum told me this was going on. Was learning in a lecture about how social acceptance can affect one's health and well-being and my mind just drifted off to thoughts of my ahgong. No one provided him any form of acceptance at all. He was kept at home and gradually not allowed to get out of the house as he wouldn't remember how to go back home again, and the place he lived became his jail, his cage. He would eat first and forget he had eaten and come back for a second round when the rest of us were eating. It was just so..traumatising to see such a brilliant man being reduced to a person stuck in a cage known as home and becoming literally skin and bones. 

On the last day of the wake, I really want to thank Sarah, Evan, Clement and Coco for dropping by in the afternoon because you guys totally don't have to come at all but yes, I'm really thankful that you guys took the time to come. And also, Miriam for the letter and the encouraging verses. I thought I got over it already because I'm not really the kind of person that cries over the same thing twice. Even when I had to come down to Australia, I only cried once and that was it, I couldn't cry anymore after that one time, so I thought this would be no different. More rounds of chanting on the last night and they burnt a massive paper house and a lot of folded paper ingots. And again, all I thought was how this is all contributing to pollution and how it won't help my ahgong. Nothing can change the fact that he didn't accept/know Christ and have a relationship with him, and now,  he's in a world of eternal fire, regardless of how much paper and incense they burn for him. 

The next day(day of cremation) there was one last part where everyone(all the relatives) said their last words to my ahgong(like go to the coffin and talk to him). My ahma was there and it's the first time I've ever heard her use that tone to talk to him. Anyway, they separated the males and females(direct family - so the children and grandchildren) at the opposite end of a table and..I could see my dad crying/tearing. My uncle and my aunt were crying too. It's the second time I've seen my dad crying and the first time seeing my uncle and aunt crying and my tears just fell, I don't even know why. It was just..so sad. My dad probably felt the worst(I don't know) because we weren't even in Singapore, and the last time my dad saw him actually walking around was in october/november last year and there's nothing more that he could do. I saw my cousin(a guy a year older than me) sneaking a tissue to his eyes. I don't know why I'm mentioning this but, yes we openly cried for our ahgong that we didn't have a close relationship with. For me, I guess it was that feeling of loss. Even though we didn't have a close relationship he is still my ahgong, and my only ahgong that I know. This is the first time I've experienced a loss this close and it's just..until now, still shocking. After that the coffin was loaded onto the van(that was with glass) and we all had to walk behind the van as it drove to where we would catch the bus to the Mandai crematorium. When the coffin was headed slowly toward the furnace my dad suddenly said "say goodbye to ahgong, he's going already" and his voice quivered and he actually broke into tears again. People at the back were crying, my dad was the one making all the moaning/crying sounds and then, it was over. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust". We were meant to return to the earth, where we came from. 

Collected the bones the next day, went to a temple to put the picture and a columbarian for the ONG's. Burnt more stuff there and then left.